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#1
Jul 20, 2013, 05:16 AM
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Dear all
I was hoping someone could help me with problems with my husband. We have been married for a year and long term travelling together in asia for about six months now. I believe he has low self esteem and I hope that I may be able to help by learning how to manage the way this affects our relationship without either pandering to him or, being too insensitive. The reoccurring problems seem to stem from a lack of communication. I think that he finds it difficult to express what he wants if he thinks it will conflict with what i want. he also finds it hard to tell me when he thinks that I have said or done to hurt him. Usually he stays quiet and then once several things have built up he will bring them all up at the same time. Perhaps I'm too assertive or impatient with his fears of saying what he thinks or wants. The frequent, almost daily, scenarios are: If we are trying to find a hotel to stay in on restaurant to eat in, he will not give his opinion or choose. If the place ends up being a disappointment, he will then say "I thought it would be no good but I didn't want to say anything" If I socialise with other travellers he will feel that I am neglecting him. He prefers not too make an effort to talk to new people (unless its to exchange information). If I tease him or make a small harmless joke at his expense, nothing harsh, he will be hurt about it inside and start to think that I'm getting tired of him If I suggest that we spend a day apart persuing different interests (we have been together 24 hours aday for almost 6 months) he feels that I am bored of him, or getting tired of being with him. Initially, I used to try to adapt myself to try to mAke him feel more secure, ie, stopped talking to others and allowed it to be just the two of us, stopped joking too much to avoid offence, and didnt take offence if he complained yet again about a bad decision I had made. But it has not helped. For one, he complained that I had become "a shadow of my former self", and secondly, I really don't think now that I am the problem. I have stopped holding myself back now and I try to talk to him about things that he worries or is upset about. Unfortunately, probably on my frustrated part, this cumulates into an argument as I don't understand why he can't trust me to talk frankly and he cannot under stand why I am not more patient with him. He seemed very confident before we started travelling. He is from France but moved to London with me when we were married. He had a well paid job and he was charismatic and fun. He did not have many friends however, or atleast not close relationships. But he is a perfectionist. Eg, he will not start his own company (a dream of his) as it may not be mind blowingly successful. Or he is very criticising of his and my physiques as we have fallen out of shape since travelling. I remember when we were planning our wedding, he did not invite his friends as he assumed that they would not come. I'm now at my wits end as when we talk or argue about these issues, he accepts that he does not think much of himself and he has asked me to help him change his attitude towards himself and how he feels. I remember having low confidence when I was a younger person. He and I both come from a similar cultural and social background. We have parents that were strict and working class. They focused solely on formal education and extracurricular or social activity were not really encouraged. We did not have much expressed affection from our parents, although we were well looked after. I do remember working on trying to change the way I felt about myself in my early 20s, not good enough not capable etc,, and today I feel as though I am as good as any other person and I work hard at keeping my close relationships in tact. Im very far from perfect but Because of this, he feels that I am capable of helping him resolve his issues. Does this sound like low self esteem to you? On his, or even both our parts. I have downloaded a book called the self esteem workbook. I wanted to also find something that will allow me to help him work through his constant negative feelings about himself. I fond one called the guide to your mates self esteem but it is not available electronically. Any help with relevant reading or workbooks would really be appreciated. Sorry for the long post! Regards Chick abroad xxx |
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#2
Jul 20, 2013, 11:39 AM
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Low self-esteem? More like journey to hell. He's trying to use you!
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 hamster-bamster
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#3
Jul 20, 2013, 02:55 PM
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Quote:
Instead of downloading books on self-help, you should make a rule that either he participates in decision-making, or, he shuts up forever and does not comment on disappointments the way he has been doing, because it must be extremely annoying to you. Also, if he wants to criticize physiques, he should criticize his, but not yours. He can criticize his physique until cows come home, as long as he does not criticize yours. |
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#4
Jul 20, 2013, 03:14 PM
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Quote:
The rest was your making concessions. You should be able to talk to others and you should not be the target of his complaints. The puzzling thing is not his behavior but yours. Do you not see that if you stop making him the target of your harmless jokes, you should at least stop being the target of his incessant complaints? |
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