[jmd7c9]

I've been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for over 5 years (I'm 28 and he's a bit older). I will admit that I sometimes have issues communicating but when it's just one-on-one between him and I, I sometimes feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. He may casually acknowledge that I've said something but he's not really listening. Then, when something comes up and I tell him that I told him, he swears that I didn't and that I have the worst communication skills. There are so many times that he never tells me things but thinks he did when he really has told someone else but it still gets turned around to be my fault somehow. He deals with a lot of people on a daily basis and between his kids, his friends, and his work, we never really have a normal conversation.

I get nervous around large groups of people, especially if I don't know them and when I open my mouth, stupid falls out. My conversation is like short spurts that don't make sense so I just choose to not really say much and just listen to everyone else. I don't have any friends so the majority of the people we go to functions with are his friends and I really don't have a lot in common with them but I just try to stay neutral and be kind. I'm a nerdy person that knows a lot about things people don't really care about and no one really goes out of their way to say hi to me and I feel like I don't fit in. After everything is over, he will ask me why I just stand there and not socialize with anyone. I tell him that the only reason that someone may say hi to me is because he is there.

I can rehearse conversations in my head about things and everything seems to flow and make sense but when I get in front of people, I'm like Raj with a girl and no alcohol (the Big Bang Theory). I don't like to be the center of attention and when I get into a conversation with someone, I start to get nervous and I use "umm" and "like" a lot and I hate that. I have no problems speaking to a crowd about a topic that I know about (like giving a presentation) but everyday life is hell. Any suggestions?

[hamster-bamster]

You are reporting two distinct and unrelated issues, it seems.

In the first paragraph, you are reporting the issue of the boyfriend's claiming not having heard you, and, going on to accuse you of having the worst communication skills. This issue is easily and fully solved by writing. If you say something important, just back your oral delivery up with an email. If he later swears that you did not say it, you retrieve the email and point him to the email. After a few occasions, the problem should be solved.

In the second and third paragraphs, you report disliking small talk, narrowly. You like giving presentations to crowds as long as you are a subject matter expert on the topic, but you dislike small talk. Per se, disliking small talk is a non-issue as long as you yourself do not view yourself as inadequate for being unable or unwilling to engage in small talk.

Blimey, you've written just how my other half was - and can still be.

And yeah, Hamster I think is spot on, there's two issues here. The email idea is great, and I wish I'd thought of it! My other half doesn't listen much to me, and he also swears blind he's told me something, even tho it may be he thought he told me. Annoying for sure, but I do not think this is a communication problem with you, more of a listening problem on his behalf.

And your small-talk stuff. Agreed again, this is an issue only if you think it is one, and/or want things to be different. I do get the impression with your wording that you get nervous, nerdy, and something stupid falls out. These are again the things my partner says. I think it's a self-esteem issue for sure. My partner went to therapy, and one thing said to him when he told her about how he lived in fear of saying something stupid, or that everyone is looking at him is 'who made you the center of the universe?'. It made him aware that people are not really looking, and those who do, so what? Same to be said about saying something stupid - most folk are not really even aware that something stupid was said, and probably care even less. People too may be reading your body language, and that will find it harder for people to approach you and then you feel worse? My partner used to be mute in a large crowd, arms closed over his chest and he looked very closed or a face like thunder (because he really didn't want to be there). This is hard to approach! I to draw him into conversations, look out for him knowing he felt nervous and that's helped a lot too. Does he help you out at all?

Hugs

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by jmd7c9

I don't like to be the center of attention and when I get into a conversation with someone, I start to get nervous and I use "umm" and "like" a lot and I hate that. I have no problems speaking to a crowd about a topic that I know about (like giving a presentation) but everyday life is hell. Any suggestions?

It seems to me that the difference has to do with what/who is the focus of communication.

When you speak to a crowd (you realize that it is not straightforward or trivial for most people to speak to a crowd, right? it requires poise, confidence, presence of mind, etc. Sometimes people get stage fright even though they are not normally socially anxious)...

...about the topic you are a subject matter expert on, the focus is...

on the TOPIC...

...and not on YOU... (caveat: not ONLY on YOU)

So you are Ok and you feel comfortable and even enjoy it.

But in informal one-on-ones, you dislike being the center of attention.

It seems to me that if you can think of TOPICS for small talk, so that the focus is shifted from YOU onto SOMETHING OF GENERAL INTEREST, you might be able to tolerate small talk as well.