Texting and Sexting and Getting burned...

Hi-I need your advice. Apologize for long post... First let me say I am 59 years old, have been married twice and the ink just dried on #2 divorce. It seems that mostly younger people post here but your age doesn't matter to me. My now 23 year old daughter, has given me excellent advice over the years. I look younger for my age, dress younger but age appropriate (I love fashion and trends), I love alternative music, etc. This is who I am and what people tell me they perceive of me, not my own opinion (like conceit). I am an artist and very bohemian. 420.

The Situation: I considered myself single the moment the police escorted my husband out of the door and the divorce started. I don't have many friends in this area, (we moved from Philly to Florida), but I'm making more slowly. I've been all over the world, (airline employee), and I have become independent as I used to be before marriage. When I have to, I eat alone in restaurants with no problems, go to clubs, events, etc.

So I met this man, at a bar, where I go regularly to listen to live music jams. I drive myself so I don't even drink-if you call club soda a drink. He's reputable, my age, and earns a lot of money as a funeral director. (I posted about feeling a little weird about that in the beginning). He is a widower. He married again and divorced 6 years later (I confirmed both from an independent source). I don't want to get involved with married guys. And his income doesn't matter to me---I have my own $.

April-(1st date)-We go to a Comedy Club, dancing afterwards, then late night dinner at an elegant restaurant.
2 weeks later-We dine at a nice restaurant.
3 weeks later-We go to a casual place by the water with a live band, etc.
So 3 dates. And he was fun and interesting and I liked him (a lot).

This guy came on like a hot fire from the very 1st time we met. Compliments, paying full attention to me, acting gentlemanly, etc. I was starting to get swept up---any woman knows what I'm talking about here...(As I said, until I REALLY know and trust someone, I drive my own car to wherever we agree to meet). On the last date when leaving we made out about 10 minutes outside my car and then I left.

He then began texting me. After a week or so it became sexting (without pics). The sexting got more and more intimate. I won't lie to you. I had never done it and I was enjoying it too. What it came down to was sexy good mornings, and hot sexting before bed, sometimes earlier. Occasionally we'd speak of work, or hectic schedules etc. But it was 85-100% sexting.

His parents WERE in the hospital (both at same time). He flew north to them a week. Then his Aunt died and he spent a week-end in another state with family and funeral arrangements. This was all over his FB with sympathy comments etc., so it was true. He was busy with major family issues. About 2 weeks go by...

He comes home. We start sexting. I fully expected him to ask me out but he didn't and I didn't push it. Then in one text, (on a Saturday), he tell 's me he's going 'boat shopping this week-end." (Well I thought, that sounded like something where I could have gone along and we could hang out and have fun.). No invitation. Sexting later.

During my divorce proceedings I found myself "downtown" at my lawyers office frequently. His business was a few blocks away. I never stopped there. I would text in the morning, say I was going downtown, "would u like to meet for coffee?" He'd say "Yes, but txt me later". When I did that (on 2 different occasions) he always had a reason (excuse?) he couldn't make it, work, Picking up something, on the road, etc. Then one time he was supposed to meet me at the bar where we met and he again, (after I was there), txt'd a lame excuse as to why he wasn't coming.

During all these things, sexting was happening pretty much daily.

I have never been ******* stood up. I was insulted and hurt. I got p****d off. I stopped answering , and I blocked him on FB. During this time he would text "R u OK?" daily. This went on 5 days.

So I caved. I just told him I was going through some stuff, (which I was divorce-wise), and I told him I was p****d off in general and didn't want to socialize in that mood.

Again the texting started. Last week-end he was away helping his son. Yesterday he told me he was traveling this weekend to a wedding (he did name the city). Oh well, I thought, more time expires without seeing him in person or going out with him.

Yesterday it seemed he started playing "mind games" with me more boldly in his texts. He asked me if I was going to the bar where we met (for the weekly music jam). I said "yes. R u?" He said "maybe". Next text was "maybe not". So I said (beginning to boil), " I'm getting a little bored with that club. I may go elsewhere. So if I'm there I'll see ya'.

A few hours go by and I'm parking at the club. He texts "Did you go to the club?" I text," Just arrived. why?" Him: "I was just wondering..."

Fast forward, I am having a good time but everytime I sit down there's another text from him. Why he might be able to get there... That he's TRYING to get there... That he WON'T be able to make it...

Finally when I got home I had it. That afternoon my therapist had been saying, (after several months of sessions), "Why do you think you de-value yourself? Why are you putting yourself on a Dollar Store shelf when you should be in the window at Tiffany's?" I thought about that and other things we shared.

So when I got home from the club, I decided NO MORE GAMES, Tiffany's here I come! I don't like to lie, so I told him, ( in several messages), the following:

"If we are unable to see each other in person please stop ANY communication with me. It's your decision. I am too wrapped up in this. I won't be a sexting booty call. Just can't do it anymore. I know you'll understand. I'm hurt that you can't find face-to-face time for me. Even the President makes time for people he cares about so truth is,you aren't really into me. Damn shame it didn't work out (his name). I thought we'd be good together and for each other. Know my affection for you was genuine because I value authenticity. If I see you I'll say "Hello" to be friendly and that's where it will stop. I don't want any drama. Life goes on."

So what do you think? I should have wised up sooner shouldn't I? Is this guy a jerk or am I a bitter and angry divorcee who had a "rebound" experience? Is sexting just part of relationships now? (Hey, I haven't been out for 20 years!) Did I react too strongly? Are there men who just toss you around like a cat playing with a mouse and get off on it?

Any of your responses and/or insight appreciated. Don't mince words with me. Call me out if I deserve it. I want you're insight and experience as it's difficult to be objective. Thanks.

my own personal opinion....if this was me ...I wouldnt even text him that if we cant see each other stuff. I just would have deleted his texts without even opening to see what was in them. let him waste /run up his texting /cell phone bill all he wants eventually when no answer comes he would stop. if not theres always the police department and lodging a harassment report. even if the harassment report doesnt amount to much for me its there to help the next person who may have this same problem with him.

thats what I would do anyway. mainly because if I had wrote this kind of thing letting someone know something like I'm too wrapped up in this" as you say just tells the psychological abuser they can continue doing what they want because nothing will be done, kind of like I wouldnt tell someone who back handed me to stop and then say I was too into it. nothing like giving a perp the mixed message of no means yes.

my suggestion just move on with your life, and let him have his and if he wants to continue texting you, you dont.....have .....to open those texts. you can go on without reading what he writes.

(disclaimer, hun, I'm 38) It was new, it was exciting, 'wise up' sooner? Really hard to say. I feel you wised up, at a reasonable rate! I absolutely love what you wrote to him, as your final farewell! I, am divorced, three years, and frankly, I had back to back to back relationships into marriage, that added up to 19 years worth of time spent.
I did have an e-mail emotional friendship, after marriage, perhaps, my own 'rebound'. And, myself, I felt a little sore from that, no sexting, texting, but I did feel like I'd wasted my time, so to speak. (Or did either one of us really waste any time? Live to Learn, right? )

You asked not to mince words? Something to learn from this experience, and we call all learn from, initially, when this new beau started asking what's wrong, next time, would be to not say, nothing, just angry at the world, would be to be able to immediately, or near immediately what is troublesome. Otherwise, You got that post-marriage rebound out of the way.

Dating, in this new world, isn't easy to navigate. If you sense, they are emotionally unavailable in any way(may not be marriage, could be another friendship or relationship or even just not in an emotional frame of mind to give of themselves freely) would be to hone in on that, express your concerns and proceed from there

Happy 'fishing' (er, um, shopping at Tiffany's)

Like healingme4me, I believe that you wised up on the right timeline (so to speak). I also think that your T's Tiffany metaphor was pretty darn good. I think you did the right thing recapping the situation in your text to him. I hope better things happen to you soon!