[Whisper of help]

I understand that people are different and everybody has their own unique thresholds, but hopefully I can get some advice from people with similar experiences. I'm only 19, and I'm still a bit new to the dating world proper, so I've still got a lot of mistakes to make before I can learn from them xD

My relationship with my ex has been very complicated. After dating for about two months, she withdrew from me. We were both busy with college courses, and she had a much heavier schedule than me, so at first I was understanding and it didn't get to me, but every week it was the same story. I'd try to make some plan for the two of us to go out, be it for a movie, dinner, or just come over and see each other, and she would turn me down by saying she had too much planned already. She was going to spend the day with some of her friends, or she was going out with her family, or she had a project that needed doing. For three months, the most I would see of her would be an hour or two at lunch, surrounded by a group of mutual friends. Even then, she would position herself away from me, keeping the table between us and sitting further down. It felt as though she was trying to avoid me as much as possible, and it was a horrible feeling. When I finally asked to talk to her alone, she agreed to talk, and when we met she told me that she was dealing with a lot of problems and that it would be best if we put things on hold and stepped back. She and I had been good friends for several months before we started dating, and she simply wanted to return to that for now. For a month that worked out very well. She opened up more around me and we felt closer than we had been for most of the time we had dated, which was both happy and painful for me, and kept alive the hope that we would get back together soon. In fact, though we weren't dating, I felt as though we had a stronger emotional connection than ever. It felt like the colloquial "friendzone," and when I couldn't take it anymore, I talked to her again. It was then that she explained how everything she'd been dealing with (Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and a severe hormonal imbalance) prevented her from enjoying the relationship with me, and that it was actually adding to the stress and pressure. She also told me that she was asexual, which is the thing that's haunting me more than anything else. While we never had a sexual relationship, I'm a romantic to the extreme, and none of my antics did anything for her. Little things like telling her to close her eyes before I gave her her Valentine's gift, and sneaking a kiss before I handed her the present. I don't care if her asexuality means that we would never have sex, but if she actually has no romantic interest at all, then the thought still breaks my heart.

It's been a month and a half since that final talk, and I'm still reeling somewhat. The breakup happened almost three months ago, but my last hope of a quick make-up died a month and a half ago. I'm no longer crying at the drop of a hat, but I still think about her every day, and I can't spend more than a couple of hours with her or her family without sinking back into a depressive episode. I've decided that I can't move on without getting some space, and I'm going to step away from not only her, but her mother and brother as well, because they can bring up the pain just as quickly as she can.

When I decided to get away from my ex girlfriend and her family, I realized that I needed a new "default" group of friends to hang out with. Until now, the three of them were my closest friends, almost like a second family even before we started dating. One of the friends I started making more plans with was a girl I'd shared a class with, whom I couldn't help but notice I had a lot in common with. The thought even crossed my mind on multiple occasions that, had I not been in a relationship at the time, I would have liked to ask her. Now we're talking a lot more, and as I learn more about her the thought of a relationship seems more and more appealing. We've been joking around, and occasionally it's turned flirty. I know I'm interested, I'm fairly certain she is as well, but I keep going back and forth in my mind. Do I want this relationship because of her? Or am I just trying to cover up the pain of my last girlfriend by putting somebody else in her place?

The fact that I have to think so hard about it tells me that I'm not ready yet. I would definitely like to see where this goes, but right now I just keep questioning my intentions.

[Whisper of help]

My apologies for the massive wall of text. I seem to do this quite a bit.

[popgoestheweasel]

Hey Whisper.

Like you I'm still having my ex on my mind after the breakup. One thing I can suggest is that you take more time into getting to know this new girl. As you get to know her more perhaps the answers to your thoughts will be revealed. Don't rush, as I can see that you're still in the process of healing from your previous relationship. Other than that I can't really say much as I'm fairly new to this dating game myself, and yeah I think of my ex everyday as well.

[Whisper of help]

Well, that's one problem solved. The girl I was talking about is in fact a lesbian. What I took to be flirting was just more humor. I didn't get very emotionally invested in any kind of hope for a relationship, so aside from a slight disappointment I'm actually grateful that my affairs aren't as complicated as they could be. I'm single, I'm not out looking for anybody, and the one person that could have tied me up in conflicting emotions isn't even interested in what I have to offer. It's like a weight off of my shoulders, actually. Plus, even though I may have lost a potential girlfriend, I gained a lesbian best friend. I think I may have even gotten the better end of the deal

Originally Posted by Whisper of help

Well, that's one problem solved.

lol - Not making light of your situation, just had to say you are witty and made me laugh when I read this sentence.

On a more serious note - I'm happy for you that you have a new friend.