[elchacha]

Hi!
So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2yrs and about 5 months ago I wanted to talk about the future and at that time he said he needed time to think and would get back to me. Well he never did and we continued as normal for about 5 months but deep down it was eating me alive not knowing what he was thinking because I could only see my life with him and wanted to start moving forward with the future...moving in together, engaged.(we're older- I'm 33 and he's 36) so last week I brought it up again and once again he said he didnt know what he wanted from the future but he does love me and care about me deeply. For whatever reason he thought that his answer was good enough for me and assumed we would continue as usual. But I can't continue if he doesnt see himself marrying me and having children because those are things I want. I understand he is pursuing one of his dreams of opening his own brewery with his friend in addition to working full time and has alot on his plate. But I can't continue supporting him with his dream if he doesnt share the same ideas for the future. So I told him we needed to take a break so he could think about what he wants because I can't continue this way. I love him but need to love myself more. He was shocked by my response and left and then texted me he understood my feelings and position even if he didnt like it. So this all happened 2 weeks ago. This has been one of the hardest weeks for me.

1 week ago he asked to talk so we met & he said he missed me & does want a future together & wants to live together. But because of the brewery(new business venture) he is uncertain of the timeline for marriage & children. He said I might as well get a sperm donor because that's what he would be in the next few yrs between opening the business & working full time. I see his point of view but I am still so torn. I am 34 next month & not sure how long I am willing to wait to have children. It was a good talk & great to see him. I have some peace in my heart but now it is up to me to decide if what he can give me right now is enough.

So we took a few days apart but then I asked to talk because I needed clarification on some things because I was so caught off guard by this conversation and didnt ask much. So he came over and we had dinner thursday night and caught up and talked again. It was wonderful seeing him and it felt like weeks not 4 days. So he said he wants to live together for now and if we are doing well and the brewery does well when it opens (hopefully october/november) then marriage is an option. But he doesnt want to tell me any of these things will happen because of all the uncertainty he has with this buisness venture and newly acquired debt. When I questioned him why he was suddenly uncertain about children he said it is not that he doesnt want children but once again the uncertainty makes him hesitant and he wouldnt want to have a child if he couldnt afford it or be there for him/her. It's not that he doesnt want kids he's just not as passionate about it as me. He says he needs to follow his head not his heart and that has never steered him the wrong way in life. So yes I see what he is saying but It doesnt change what I want in life. So what do I do??

1)Do I stay with him for another 6 months/1year and then reassess based on how we are doing as a couple living together and see how the brewery/working full time in addition affects our relationship? And then break up if things arent working out? And at 34 1/2 or 35 be single again and start over or get pregnant alone?

2) Do I break up with him and move on and possibly never love anyone like I love him/never meet anyone and always have regrets?

3) Do I break up with him and move on and meet a great guy who wants what I want sooner then later?

I am so torn on what to do. I know there is never any guarantees in life but I just dont want to regret my decision and this is a big life changing one. I just know 2 friends who were in a similar situation and 1 moved on with another guy and has kids but regrets not waiting for the guy she truly loved and she always wonders what if. My other friend stayed and things worked out. All situations are alittle different and different personalities and dreams. How do I know what the right thing is?

We havent seen each other since and he has been texting me but I'm not sure what to do should I ask for time apart to sort out my heart from my head???

I dont want to invest more if we wont get married and have children. But I dont want to walk away because are getting hard and I will wonder and regret. I am so torn on what to do. I've talked with friends and I am getting mixed advice. I know at the end of the day it is my decision to make because it is my life. HELP!!

[Kanyon]

Watch his actions!!! Don't listen to his words... No parent is ever financially ready for children. If his brewery fails will he not be able to support you and his kids some other way? Money is there if you want it. Thats a poor excuse! I married my high school sweet heart because I got her pregnant when we were 17 and 18. I made $5 an hour and we made it on a lot of Kool Aid and Hot Dogs. Best wishes to you

[elchacha]

Thank Kanyon- nice to hear a guy's perspective on this. I've only chatted with 2 female friends because at the end of the day I don't want others to think differently about him/us if we do work out. I know there will never be an ideal time for children...

[bellanorine]

Originally Posted by elchacha

Hi!
So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2yrs and about 5 months ago I wanted to talk about the future and at that time he said he needed time to think and would get back to me. Well he never did and we continued as normal for about 5 months but deep down it was eating me alive not knowing what he was thinking because I could only see my life with him and wanted to start moving forward with the future...moving in together, engaged.(we're older- I'm 33 and he's 36) so last week I brought it up again and once again he said he didnt know what he wanted from the future but he does love me and care about me deeply. For whatever reason he thought that his answer was good enough for me and assumed we would continue as usual. But I can't continue if he doesnt see himself marrying me and having children because those are things I want. I understand he is pursuing one of his dreams of opening his own brewery with his friend in addition to working full time and has alot on his plate. But I can't continue supporting him with his dream if he doesnt share the same ideas for the future. So I told him we needed to take a break so he could think about what he wants because I can't continue this way. I love him but need to love myself more. He was shocked by my response and left and then texted me he understood my feelings and position even if he didnt like it. So this all happened 2 weeks ago. This has been one of the hardest weeks for me.

1 week ago he asked to talk so we met & he said he missed me & does want a future together & wants to live together. But because of the brewery(new business venture) he is uncertain of the timeline for marriage & children. He said I might as well get a sperm donor because that's what he would be in the next few yrs between opening the business & working full time. I see his point of view but I am still so torn. I am 34 next month & not sure how long I am willing to wait to have children. It was a good talk & great to see him. I have some peace in my heart but now it is up to me to decide if what he can give me right now is enough.

So we took a few days apart but then I asked to talk because I needed clarification on some things because I was so caught off guard by this conversation and didnt ask much. So he came over and we had dinner thursday night and caught up and talked again. It was wonderful seeing him and it felt like weeks not 4 days. So he said he wants to live together for now and if we are doing well and the brewery does well when it opens (hopefully october/november) then marriage is an option. But he doesnt want to tell me any of these things will happen because of all the uncertainty he has with this buisness venture and newly acquired debt. When I questioned him why he was suddenly uncertain about children he said it is not that he doesnt want children but once again the uncertainty makes him hesitant and he wouldnt want to have a child if he couldnt afford it or be there for him/her. It's not that he doesnt want kids he's just not as passionate about it as me. He says he needs to follow his head not his heart and that has never steered him the wrong way in life. So yes I see what he is saying but It doesnt change what I want in life. So what do I do??

1)Do I stay with him for another 6 months/1year and then reassess based on how we are doing as a couple living together and see how the brewery/working full time in addition affects our relationship? And then break up if things arent working out? And at 34 1/2 or 35 be single again and start over or get pregnant alone?

2) Do I break up with him and move on and possibly never love anyone like I love him/never meet anyone and always have regrets?

3) Do I break up with him and move on and meet a great guy who wants what I want sooner then later?

I am so torn on what to do. I know there is never any guarantees in life but I just dont want to regret my decision and this is a big life changing one. I just know 2 friends who were in a similar situation and 1 moved on with another guy and has kids but regrets not waiting for the guy she truly loved and she always wonders what if. My other friend stayed and things worked out. All situations are alittle different and different personalities and dreams. How do I know what the right thing is?

We havent seen each other since and he has been texting me but I'm not sure what to do should I ask for time apart to sort out my heart from my head???

I dont want to invest more if we wont get married and have children. But I dont want to walk away because are getting hard and I will wonder and regret. I am so torn on what to do. I've talked with friends and I am getting mixed advice. I know at the end of the day it is my decision to make because it is my life. HELP!!

There are several things you really need to consider. You stated he had a job now while he is trying to start his brewery. If the new project does not work could you live off what he makes at his current job.

Do you work and could you support yourself and a baby, I assume you think so or you would not have said anything about having a child single.

The red flag that I see is that "he said you might as well consider him a sperm donor".
because he wouldn't have anytime etc. I would think about what this means to you when he is predicting his future involvement with a baby when he has no idea what his financial future will be.

If I were you and really, want to have a baby, (make sure you know what a huge responsibility this is) you could stay with him and have a baby, and look at the situation as if you were single with a baby. Then if the business does well that will be an extra bonus.
Leave him and have a baby alone, or leave and start dating to find someone else.

This person sounds much more committed to his brewery than he does to you or your future together.

If it were me which it is not I would leave the situation immediately due to the fact he cannot tell you that he wants to get married and have a baby.

Marriage and having a baby are hard enough when both parties are excited and cant wait to start their life together. When only one person is committed to the idea of marriage and children, sounds impossible.

[Arwen_78]

Originally Posted by elchacha

Hi!
So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2yrs and about 5 months ago I wanted to talk about the future and at that time he said he needed time to think and would get back to me. Well he never did and we continued as normal for about 5 months but deep down it was eating me alive not knowing what he was thinking because I could only see my life with him and wanted to start moving forward with the future...moving in together, engaged.(we're older- I'm 33 and he's 36) so last week I brought it up again and once again he said he didnt know what he wanted from the future but he does love me and care about me deeply. For whatever reason he thought that his answer was good enough for me and assumed we would continue as usual. But I can't continue if he doesnt see himself marrying me and having children because those are things I want. I understand he is pursuing one of his dreams of opening his own brewery with his friend in addition to working full time and has alot on his plate. But I can't continue supporting him with his dream if he doesnt share the same ideas for the future. So I told him we needed to take a break so he could think about what he wants because I can't continue this way. I love him but need to love myself more. He was shocked by my response and left and then texted me he understood my feelings and position even if he didnt like it. So this all happened 2 weeks ago. This has been one of the hardest weeks for me.

1 week ago he asked to talk so we met & he said he missed me & does want a future together & wants to live together. But because of the brewery(new business venture) he is uncertain of the timeline for marriage & children. He said I might as well get a sperm donor because that's what he would be in the next few yrs between opening the business & working full time. I see his point of view but I am still so torn. I am 34 next month & not sure how long I am willing to wait to have children. It was a good talk & great to see him. I have some peace in my heart but now it is up to me to decide if what he can give me right now is enough.

So we took a few days apart but then I asked to talk because I needed clarification on some things because I was so caught off guard by this conversation and didnt ask much. So he came over and we had dinner thursday night and caught up and talked again. It was wonderful seeing him and it felt like weeks not 4 days. So he said he wants to live together for now and if we are doing well and the brewery does well when it opens (hopefully october/november) then marriage is an option. But he doesnt want to tell me any of these things will happen because of all the uncertainty he has with this buisness venture and newly acquired debt. When I questioned him why he was suddenly uncertain about children he said it is not that he doesnt want children but once again the uncertainty makes him hesitant and he wouldnt want to have a child if he couldnt afford it or be there for him/her. It's not that he doesnt want kids he's just not as passionate about it as me. He says he needs to follow his head not his heart and that has never steered him the wrong way in life. So yes I see what he is saying but It doesnt change what I want in life. So what do I do??

1)Do I stay with him for another 6 months/1year and then reassess based on how we are doing as a couple living together and see how the brewery/working full time in addition affects our relationship? And then break up if things arent working out? And at 34 1/2 or 35 be single again and start over or get pregnant alone?

2) Do I break up with him and move on and possibly never love anyone like I love him/never meet anyone and always have regrets?

3) Do I break up with him and move on and meet a great guy who wants what I want sooner then later?

I am so torn on what to do. I know there is never any guarantees in life but I just dont want to regret my decision and this is a big life changing one. I just know 2 friends who were in a similar situation and 1 moved on with another guy and has kids but regrets not waiting for the guy she truly loved and she always wonders what if. My other friend stayed and things worked out. All situations are alittle different and different personalities and dreams. How do I know what the right thing is?

We havent seen each other since and he has been texting me but I'm not sure what to do should I ask for time apart to sort out my heart from my head???

I dont want to invest more if we wont get married and have children. But I dont want to walk away because are getting hard and I will wonder and regret. I am so torn on what to do. I've talked with friends and I am getting mixed advice. I know at the end of the day it is my decision to make because it is my life. HELP!!

I guess what I get from this is it's really down to if you might or might not have kids at all.

1.) Can you picture life without him because he might not be able to give you children?

2.) He sounds like a great guy and I can see where he is coming from. He needs to think about his business but at the same time is trying to show you that you mean a lot.

You could end up not meeting a great guy? Plus, you have at least 6-10 more years that you can't have kids. Even if it's only 1. It's a change worth going for I think. Love don't happen everyday.