Find it hard to trust

I find it hard to make friends because I don't really trust people. I've had people talk behind my back before and found out later. I don't trust that people really like me at all. I'm not sure I can ever learn to really trust people again I don't want to risk being betrayed again.

Betrayal is the worst thing i've ever experienced myself, people talking behind my back and I hate vindictivism.

I can make friends easily.... but it doesn't mean I trust them.

I can say that I have 4 friends that I currently trust, with a 5th one on the way. Out of those friends - the one I'm STARTING to trust lives in my city and the other 4 do not. The one I have the least contact with and who lives furthest away is the one whom I fully believe will not ever betray my trust. Out of the other 3? 1 of them I trust a great deal, but the other two I trust them right now... but I don't know if they'll always be around.

I can still be friends with people without actively trusting them. I even confide in them to various extents - but I rarely talk about whatever is CURRENTLY bothering me - that's for the people I'm reallllly trying to actually trust or do trust at the time.

I don't like talking to people I don't trust so I don't bother with friends I don't trust.

You really shouldn't trust people. People are generally untrustworthy. I agree with what was said before that you just need to learn how to be friends with people you don't trust or at least don't trust completely. You should at least trust them not to try to kill you. I think that's the basic level of trust you should require from your friends, then build from there.

Yeah, I usually trust people not to kill me. I'm not too worried about that.

Fair enough - but that definitely makes for a lonelier life! I can hang out with loads of different people whom I don't trust... but can still have a good time with them.

Unless you're just meaning that you don't talk about anything too personal with people you don't trust - which is totally fair! I've got my own set of "things I'll talk about with anyone" "things that seem personal that don't really matter to me anymore so I can share them" "things that aren't currently an issue but can be issues so I'll share this when I'm starting/trying to trust someone" and "things I'm probably not going to share at all and will only share if I DO trust someone".

haha. I think I'm a bit odd.

No, you're right. It does make life really lonely.

I guess I'm super paranoid in a way. I'm on my toes the moment someone starts talking to me. I feel like they're already my enemy the moment we've met. I already think they're up to something bad.

Aww Poppy that makes me feel sad for you. I think like that when someone hits on me, but I'm alright when it's just a conversation.

I do fully expect that anyone I befriend will bail on me.

I think Red Panda is on to something with her levels of trust.

1.Things I'll talk with anyone. And things that seem personal that don't really matter to me anymore so I can share them.

2.Things things that aren't currently an issue but can be issues. Share this when starting or trying to trust someone.

3. Things I'm probably not going to share at all and will only share if I DO trust someone.

Having levels of trust shows strong boundaries. There are those who trust no one and on the other side there are those that freely share anything. Are trusting none and sharing with all can be a sign of being fearful of relationships. If you trust no one, then you are without a sounding board or someone to turn to in a crisis.

The one that shares all could be fearful as well. There is generally a way to share something and still hold out on the most intimate portions. Perhaps putting all their "stuff" right out there will let them see who turns away from a "mess". Putting it all out there is a screening for friends. If they can't handle it, then you know there will be no friendship there. If they seem supportive, then perhaps friendship will develop.

I also think that in most cases a friendship develops and as it does trust grows.

riotgrrl wrote very well about it, but I cannot find the thread. It was recent, though. Riotgrrl?

If I can try to recap what she said in one sentence, it would be this:

"Why on Earth do you think that people - who are, in general, busy with their lives, preoccupied with their problems, behind on their schedules, frazzled by competing demands on their time - BOTHER to start talking to you unless they liked you enough???"

Poppy Princess, you live in the woods, though...

riotgrrl is in London and I am in Silicon Valley - high population density+high stress locales. If somebody contacts me, either they like me or they need something from me. Yeah, some people might be out to hurt, but most people fall into those two basic buckets - they either are interested in me or have some kind of a need that I might be able to address.

It might be different in your area.

hamster: I like the image of buckets. haha. I'm gonna drop people into buckets!

My neighbores are very conservative and dont like me cause I'm a lesbian. They used to think my partner was my sister and were nice back then. They came to realize and stopped talking to me.

That shows that they're horrible people - if they stopped talking to you it has nothing to do with WHO you are - it has everything to do with their f***** up viewpoints.

Drop them right into the bucket that you should label "Idiots".

They aren't out to get you, or out to hurt you. They're just plain and simple idiots who are hateful towards a huge chunk of the population.

I agree with this. I like what Muppy says about the two polar opposites of those that share nothing or too much. Sums it up well, from what I have observed in life. Thanks for putting it, like that.

Let's see, they were nice to you, up until they realized how your sexuality is?

What a bunch of hypocrites!!

sad, but look - they STOPPED TALKING to you.

Earlier, you said that people who DO TALK TO you raise your suspicions.

Two different stories.

I wasn't talking about my neighbors. I only mention them because you were talking about my local area and because I think it's why I suspect people. After that, I felt like everyone didn't really like me for some reason or another.

that does not seem to be paranoia - it is just the experience of being a member of a marginalized group. Makes sense. You are not suspecting out of the blue and without reason, so - not paranoid. Plus, since people tend to congregate in certain areas, there might be other conservative people in your area - objectively so. So you are justified.

Yeah, I don't think I'm a genuine case of paranoia.