I love her but I don't know if we are right for eachother

I love my girlfriend of 4 years and she is fully supporting me right now while I am unemployed but I sometimes wonder if we are together only because I have settled. She is a smoker and I am not. I hate cigarettes. I am an open and honest person and she is extremely private and quiet and closed off. Before we got together I was very sexually active but now we have not had sex for months. Even before I was jobless and depressed we only had sex once every few months or so. It's not just her either, I don't think either of us want to do it. I don't think she will ever break up with me because I am pretty sure she is fine with our relationship the way that it is, but I'm not and I don't want to have any extra stress in my life right now so I don't think I will ever break up with her. What should I do?

Sounds like a normal relationship to me. Don't be fooled by Hollywood movies. There is no fairy tale love. The best you can hope for is someone you're willing to put up with. Plus you've been together 4 years and you still have sex every couple months. Sounds like heaven to me!

I hate cigarettes with passion, react to second hand smoke by having a migraine attack (second hand smoke is a common trigger of migraine headaches), and used to have incessant upper respiratory infections when I was a child/teen and lived with my chain-smoking dad. I can only function in a completely smoke-free environment (and I no longer have upper respiratory infections). I hate that part of traveling to Europe - their restaurants have a "smoke-free" area but air travels just fine between smoking and smoke-free areas so it is like a stupid joke. I was once on a plane, many years ago before uniform rules on smoke-free flights. I was flying from Canada to Europe. I was put in the very last row of the "smoke-free" part of the aircraft. Guys behind me smoked non-stop for over 8 hours. It was so horrible that I do not know how I survived that flight. Thankfully, modern day planes are all smoke-free.

I do not know how you can live with a smoking gf if you hate cigarettes.

HardToBeHappy, it sounds like you guys may have other issues and the sex is just one part of it. My wife and I have sex more often than that after being married 13 years with kids chewing up our time.

You might try to talk to a therapist about the depression and you might both consider having a good talk or maybe even couples counseling.

I don't allow her to smoke anywhere near me and never in the house or car. She wont even kiss me because she knows her breath smells. I love to kiss so that is hard and makes the times when we do have sex less than romantic.

I have thought about the counseling but I can't even afford proper medication for my depression right now, so that isn't exactly an option.

While trying to fall asleep last night I was daydreaming about a romantic interlude with a fantasy version of someone I know. This person and I used to have heated political and religious debates on facebook that always got me really turned on. It would never work out with this person but I am still very sexually attracted to them. I had dreams about them all night and woke up in a relatively good mood. I realized that I need more passion in my life and as soon as I can support myself again I will have to address this issue with my girlfriend. It's just so hard because I love her and she has been so supportive of me the last 4 years. She never complains and is happy to take care of me. It makes me feel like a real jerk.

Can you get the insurance offered by unemployment? AD's, aren't that expensive, overall.

Do your gf and yourself, not have heated discussions? Have you both communicated, how much is too little, as far as sex goes?

Months, in between, when it used to be more frequent? Sometimes, talking, helps rebuild the intimacy.

That's the thing, we don't talk about anything beyond the superficial "how was your day?" She tells me about her troubles with co workers and then snuggles up with her dog. I think we both love our dogs more than each other. She doesn't like to talk about anything controversial. When I try she tells me to "keep that stuff between me and those people who like to talk about it online, I don't want to talk about it". In fact she never tells me anything about how she "feels" about anything. I should also mention that she has a drug use problem. It's just pot, but she can't go without it for even a few hours. I used to smoke with her just as much, but since I need a job, I quit and make her go outside to do it but it feels like all the money we do have goes into her lungs and that stresses me out quite a bit. I, personally, have nothing against the plant but it controls most aspects of our life and she is not willing to stop. She tells me she would rather quit smoking cigarettes but she never does. All of my friends smoke too so it's hard to reach out to anyone. I do have one friend who can keep her smoking down to once a week or so and she seems to have her **** together and has reached out to me and I love her for that. I just don't want to disappoint her if I fail at my efforts for change. I know it takes effort to help pull someones head above water and I don't want her efforts to be wasted.

It sounds like you were ready to kick a habit that she isn't ready to do. Will she talk if you asked her you wanted to talk about where she wants the relationship to go in the next year?

That way you are asking her where ,if anywhere, the two of you are heading. Make her feel like you what to be there and not online. I mean I don't know your Internet usage but sounds like she might also have a problem with how much time she thinks you spend online.

healingme, I didn't know unemployment offered insurance. I will look into that too.

That is probably true. Our problems are multidimensional. I do spend a lot of time on the internet. Partly because I enjoy it and maybe have an addiction, and partly because she bores me and using the internet is much more interesting than sitting in the same room watching tv with someone who doesn't have anything to say. I am just as guilty of not putting forth much effort, but at the same time I don't feel like she has much to put forth either. I think she is fine with our relationship the way it is. I am afraid to bring any of this up with her at the moment because, like I said, I have no way of supporting myself at the moment and I need her financially, but I don't like feeling like I'm using her either. I have an interview tomorrow. I really hope it pans out.

I hope you win the interview. You will gain financial independence and won't be stuck at home watching tv with her. Obviously the internet is more enjoyable than tv - it is interactive!

YES!!! I totally agree hamster. And the interview went well but it was only for a temp service so now I just need to sit around and wait for them to call me with a "perfect fit". I will still be looking around obviously.

Any updates, HTBH?

I have been EXACTLY where you two are, except I was the one supporting him. He was a smoker and was unemployed. It seems like to me you do love her especially if you are putting up with her smoking. But I wasnt with him for as long as you both are. But you do need passion in life, even after 4 years. I wouldn't wait to talk to her. talk to her now about it because if you dont you are going to seem as if you are juust using her to support you (im sure you arent) but these are the things you should be able to talk to her about.