[questionableowl]

Long post; please help!

So, I'll give you the full story. My boyfriend dated his first love for just a little over two years (from 2009-2011). She lived in Houston, which is about 4 hours from where we live. He used to drive down any chance he could depending on his financial situation. It was the typical long distance relationship; emails, letters, gifts, various surprises, yada yada. They were both attending college, and were even making plans to be near each other and eventually get married, although my boyfriend was more invested in the relationship than she was. Mind you this was both of their first relationships. They had very similiar backgrounds: homeschooled, same religion, same views, and very many of the same interests. I guess distance and disapproval of him by her parents is what caused her to one day break up with him over the phone. He says that she never gave him a reason why or told her what was wrong, but he thinks it was distance and parents.

So, he was very depressed afterwards. He and I had known each other from college for about a year. I had feelings for him, but he never knew. About a month after their breakup, he started dating another girl. Essentially, she was the rebound. They broke up within the same month, and he was single for the next few months. He then dated another girl long distance because she moved out of the country. They lasted about 6 months, but they weren't romantically invested in each other because he had a hard time trusting and opening up to her. I imagine because he still wasn't over the first love. She too broke up with him via phone.

Now, he found out I had feelings for him about 3 months before the last gf broke up with him. We were best friends, and did virtually everything together. His gf was very jealous, but neither of us flirted or acted anything more than friends. In fact, it turns out that he had had feelings for another one of our friends, but he never acted on them. About 2 months after his last breakup, he all of a sudden had feelings for me, and asked me out. About two months after we started dating, his first ex gf showed up at our church, and he avoided all contact and afterwards smoked 3-4 cigarettes. He said it was a very stressful situation; he doesn't smoke.

We took things very slow. It was frustrating at times because I knew that he wasn't as invested as I was: It was months before he held my hand on a regular basis or went out of his way to do things for me. He only mentioned things about past gf a couple of time. Usually things he hated about them. 5 months in he told me he loved me. About 8 months in I got baptized in his religion, but not just for him (I had been going to that particular church for a year).

Now here's where it gets weird. About two days after my baptism, which coincidentally was a few days before we were scheduled to leave to go to Houston to help his sister fix up a house, he had a mental breakdown and was crying, saying he was a horrible person, and he's been so full of hatred. He told me he needed to know that I loved him, and that I would never leave him. He also said that when he saw me baptized he knew he wanted to marry me, and that I was his rock. I don't know where this came from, but I think it was the whole, going-back-to-Houston-bad-memories-of-past-gf. (first time he'd been back since the breakup) While there he refused to go to the same denomination church there because his ex goes there.

We've been together for 1 year and 3 months. We talk about our future together constantly; marriage, family, religious views, etc. We are not sexually active, and are waiting until marriage. Recently, we went on vacation with my family, and it just so happens that we had to drive thru Houston. Any mention of Houston, and he gets an, "I hate that place attitude." The car ride was very tense, being that he barely talked at all. The vacation was great, but he seemed someplace else. We are very open so we allow each other to read emails or whatever, but I read a few texts that he had sent to a friend while we were on vacation, his responds were as follows:

"I know, but I'm not really a fan of Houston for sanity's sake."

"My first gf lives there and there are a lot of not-so-nice-to remember-memories there."

"It's one of those things where you get over it, but you're never really OVER over it."

"I'm over it, but Houston brings it all back."

My concern is, it's been 3 years since they broke up! Why does Houston bother him so much? And why does it still hurt him so much if he's over her and happy with me? If he's over it, then why does it all come back? I'm OVER over my first bf. Should these be statements coming from a man who's saying he wants to marry me and have a future with me? Does it seem to you like he still has feelings for her? I'm worried they are stronger than he will ever feel for me. What do you make of this? I am actually quite disturbed about these statements he made. Should I confront him? Is it normal to feel this way? I don't understand.

Another thing...he still has journals from the time he dated her, and some of her letters and gifts to him. They are in boxes, but still...why did he keep them?

Please help!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by questionableowl

1) I guess distance and disapproval of him by her parents is what caused her to one day break up with him over the phone. He says that she never gave him a reason why or told her what was wrong, but he thinks it was distance and parents.
...
My concern is, it's been 3 years since they broke up! Why does Houston bother him so much? And why does it still hurt him so much if he's over her and happy with me? If he's over it, then why does it all come back? I'm OVER over my first bf. Should these be statements coming from a man who's saying he wants to marry me and have a future with me? Does it seem to you like he still has feelings for her? I'm worried they are stronger than he will ever feel for me. What do you make of this? I am actually quite disturbed about these statements he made. Should I confront him? Is it normal to feel this way? I don't understand.

2)
Another thing...he still has journals from the time he dated her, and some of her letters and gifts to him. They are in boxes, but still...why did he keep them?

1) re-read Romeo and Juliet. A great book. really, a great book. See the ballet by Prokofiev if you ever have one performed in your area - the ballet is great, too.

What would you learn from Romeo and Juliet? You would learn that parental disapproval and distance (in their case, not the geographical distance, but the inability to see one another due to the feud between the parents) are the very best ingredients in creating a tragic first love story: the very best. In the case of your bf and his former gf, there was no bilateral feud - only unilateral disproval on the side of her parents. But still - such things add motivation, challenge, and edge. And here you are, a nice girl who shares so much with him that she even got baptized into his religion and whose parents FAIL TO PROVIDE THAT ADDITIONAL MOTIVATION, CHALLENGE, and EDGE the way her parents did. OK? It is not a level playing field - there is not enough challenge in your case vis-a-vis her case. Your relationship with him is too placid. He is not being kept on his toes. Plus, you are not at all enigmatic to him, while she is - she broke up with him without stating her reasons, so now he can spend the rest of his life pondering what the reasons might have been - this makes an enigma out of her.

2) He keeps the mementos because they remind him of a period of his life. Since he probably values the fact that he has been given the gift of life, he might, by extension, value the things that remind of him of how he used that gift in the past.

[psychmajortwenty2]

Originally Posted by questionableowl

Long post; please help!

So, I'll give you the full story. My boyfriend dated his first love for just a little over two years (from 2009-2011). She lived in Houston, which is about 4 hours from where we live. He used to drive down any chance he could depending on his financial situation. It was the typical long distance relationship; emails, letters, gifts, various surprises, yada yada. They were both attending college, and were even making plans to be near each other and eventually get married, although my boyfriend was more invested in the relationship than she was. Mind you this was both of their first relationships. They had very similiar backgrounds: homeschooled, same religion, same views, and very many of the same interests. I guess distance and disapproval of him by her parents is what caused her to one day break up with him over the phone. He says that she never gave him a reason why or told her what was wrong, but he thinks it was distance and parents.

So, he was very depressed afterwards. He and I had known each other from college for about a year. I had feelings for him, but he never knew. About a month after their breakup, he started dating another girl. Essentially, she was the rebound. They broke up within the same month, and he was single for the next few months. He then dated another girl long distance because she moved out of the country. They lasted about 6 months, but they weren't romantically invested in each other because he had a hard time trusting and opening up to her. I imagine because he still wasn't over the first love. She too broke up with him via phone.

Now, he found out I had feelings for him about 3 months before the last gf broke up with him. We were best friends, and did virtually everything together. His gf was very jealous, but neither of us flirted or acted anything more than friends. In fact, it turns out that he had had feelings for another one of our friends, but he never acted on them. About 2 months after his last breakup, he all of a sudden had feelings for me, and asked me out. About two months after we started dating, his first ex gf showed up at our church, and he avoided all contact and afterwards smoked 3-4 cigarettes. He said it was a very stressful situation; he doesn't smoke.

We took things very slow. It was frustrating at times because I knew that he wasn't as invested as I was: It was months before he held my hand on a regular basis or went out of his way to do things for me. He only mentioned things about past gf a couple of time. Usually things he hated about them. 5 months in he told me he loved me. About 8 months in I got baptized in his religion, but not just for him (I had been going to that particular church for a year).

Now here's where it gets weird. About two days after my baptism, which coincidentally was a few days before we were scheduled to leave to go to Houston to help his sister fix up a house, he had a mental breakdown and was crying, saying he was a horrible person, and he's been so full of hatred. He told me he needed to know that I loved him, and that I would never leave him. He also said that when he saw me baptized he knew he wanted to marry me, and that I was his rock. I don't know where this came from, but I think it was the whole, going-back-to-Houston-bad-memories-of-past-gf. (first time he'd been back since the breakup) While there he refused to go to the same denomination church there because his ex goes there.

We've been together for 1 year and 3 months. We talk about our future together constantly; marriage, family, religious views, etc. We are not sexually active, and are waiting until marriage. Recently, we went on vacation with my family, and it just so happens that we had to drive thru Houston. Any mention of Houston, and he gets an, "I hate that place attitude." The car ride was very tense, being that he barely talked at all. The vacation was great, but he seemed someplace else. We are very open so we allow each other to read emails or whatever, but I read a few texts that he had sent to a friend while we were on vacation, his responds were as follows:

"I know, but I'm not really a fan of Houston for sanity's sake."

"My first gf lives there and there are a lot of not-so-nice-to remember-memories there."

"It's one of those things where you get over it, but you're never really OVER over it."

"I'm over it, but Houston brings it all back."

My concern is, it's been 3 years since they broke up! Why does Houston bother him so much? And why does it still hurt him so much if he's over her and happy with me? If he's over it, then why does it all come back? I'm OVER over my first bf. Should these be statements coming from a man who's saying he wants to marry me and have a future with me? Does it seem to you like he still has feelings for her? I'm worried they are stronger than he will ever feel for me. What do you make of this? I am actually quite disturbed about these statements he made. Should I confront him? Is it normal to feel this way? I don't understand.

Another thing...he still has journals from the time he dated her, and some of her letters and gifts to him. They are in boxes, but still...why did he keep them?

Please help!

I don't know about this exactly.... but it sounds to me like you guys have a pretty awesome relationship going. I have never even HEARD of a guy letting his girlfriend read all his texts and emails. It sounds like he's letting you see all of himself. And you guys love each other enough to wait until marriage before having sex?! Like that is incredible!

I guess you have to ask yourself: Are you happy with the relationship? YOU, not him. If you are, but you're just worried about feelings with his ex-gf.. you should bring it up. Acknowledge that maybe you could be jealous or whatever, don't make it into an argument where you're accusing him of anything, but simply a discussion. If you're not happy with the relationship, maybe it's time for you to decide to move on and find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved and not having you keep questioning yourself. I find relationships that keep you asking questions are not the most healthy.

Whatever it is.. Don't settle. Figure out how you really feel. If you really think you deserve/need better, go for it. Otherwise, I guess keep having the open communication going that you guys seem to have going.

[Cactus Le Sam]

Relationships are not my thing really, but I can say that locations like music can really hold memories forever. My first real relationship, not the you know cutesy 10 year old kiss on the cheek thing, but a serious relationship, lasted for just about 5ish months. She only lived about 10 mins away from me yet even though its been 4ish years i still avoid going through her area of the city like its radioactive and has the plague, it just holds to many memories that i try to shove out of my head. I can remember listening to a bunch of The Doors songs with her and they were my favorite band and now I rarely listen to them as it just brings up memories. I can also remember being 3 or 4 and playing sonic on my sega and being happy and each time i hear the sound of the rings being collected or the music it provokes happiness even though i havent played sonic since i was about 8. What he feels, I dont think is weird as i still feel pissy and angry if someone tries to get me to go somewhere and drives through that part of town. I just wouldnt worry about it too much unless it gets completely out of hand. Also i agree with hamster's point of why he keeps momentos, that really is the way a lot of guys handle things I even keep the nazi stamp she bought me even though its a fake (I am sort of a novice collector) as it is just enough reminder that there was a high point in my life. That part really isnt anything to worry about. I do hope that everything works out in a positive manner for everyone. Best of luck.