[tesseract49]

I should state that I have asperger's syndrome and grew up with virtually no friends and was bullied as a child. I have never had a girlfriend.

I have found that in recent years I have felt lonely and empty, but talking to others doesn't help. I feel like I need more than just conversation to feel happy.

I have this constant need for a hug. I sleep hugging my pillow and at many points during the day I hug my pillow. I have wanted to hug my closest friends before and have often wanted to snuggle up to them and or sleep with them.

Another thing that might relate to this. I get this euphoric feeling when I recieve sympathy or compliments from others and usually flood them with compliments and loving statements back. I have this feeling where I always want to be told that everything will be ok and that they are there for me. I really want to feel loved, but I find that I don't feel loved. I feel like I don't have the confidence to live alone and I feel unsafe.

[Cactus Le Sam]

Hey

I can say that I am aware of how it feels to grow up with no friends and be bullied. I was thrown into private school at 8 years old and it just happened to be full of stuck up selfish rich brats that had everything given to them on gold plates. Coming from a family that works for money and not inheriting it I had little in common with any of them and not being the most social person I was an easy target. I can say that the pillow hugging isn't exactly strange as I've woken up many times hugging my pillow. The feeling of wanting to be loved as in getting compliments and sympathy I sort of feel like that most of the time. I won't tell you to go out and get a girlfriend as its not the easiest thing to do and I honestly can't bring myself to ask, and it's not one of my stronger subjects, relationships in general are not my thing. Everything will be alright though it always gets better, every single time. Just keep your chin up and look forward. If you can find a hobby it will help as well, for me it is building models and gaming the crap out of my xbox. Hope your future gets brighter.

[manwithnofriends]

Do you know why you were bullied as a child? Also, have you been bullied only very recently? From what you "say", the effects are probably still lingering.

[ptangptang]

I can relate very much to what you say. I had few friends at school and some of them turned against me and took half the class with them. I put up with what i would call mental bullying for about 4 years. That and other things made my school life miserable. I also feel lonely and empty to the point where i wonder if it's really worth carrying on. I think we all need physical contact with other people be it sexual, familial, social or whatever. I've never had much and that has largely contributed to my low self esteem, self image and self worth and feelings of worthlessness. I tend to be over affectionate ( not physically but in words but that backfired recently so i'm trying to be more circumspect now) Dont be over complementary to people, dont get carried away by compliments made to you. Be nice to people, be true to yourself. Tell yourself every day that you are a great guy/girl and a nice and good person and if people don't like you it's them that are missing out. Drop negative thoughts and influences and switch them to poaitive. I joined a local camera club recently to get out, meet people and take pictures. do something similar. Listen to those links under this every day. That advert ' I'm worth it' is true. I'M WORTH IT AND SO ARE YOU. Good luck. tc

[tesseract49]

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

Do you know why you were bullied as a child? Also, have you been bullied only very recently? From what you "say", the effects are probably still lingering.

I was bullied for most of my childhood because I was very weird. I used to isolate myself from others and sit alone at school in the library, even when it was closed. I used to find it really hard to open up to others. I am still not very sociable now, but in company of one or two very close friends, I tend to be overly clingy and my friend who also has asperger's thinks that I may have comfort problems of some kind. I don't know anyone else like me. I tend to constantly talk to people about myself and how I feel, I think I annoy them because they feel that I'm too dependant on them. I have this fear of being rejected and I find myself being really paranoid about whether my friends like me or not. I am certain that they do like me though.

[tesseract49]

I should actually state that I never used to feel like this. It has only been since I broke up with a very close friend recently. I did something to him without realising that it would upset him. Now he won't speak to me. This was 6 months ago and I still can't get over him. I have done all kinds of crazy things to get him back. I even felt suicidal for a short while and couldn't eat or sleep.

[sonnenschein]

I can definitely relate to you a lot! I was emotionally abused by my mom for years and even though I've always had friends, hearing that I was worthless and that "no-one would ever love me" sort of stuck more than I wanted it to.

As clichèd as it sounds, the only bit that has helped me so far is to try and love myself. I suppose it's easier in my case because I was kicked out from home and came to realize that my mom would never love me for who I was, no matter how hard I tried. I've made it my axiom that I am lovable, that I have the ability to form positive relationships and care for others and myself. Well, I'm still struggling with the last bit (I don't have much self-esteem), but I try.

Can you try and find some sort of (fun) activity that you do alone that helps you feel better about yourself that you can do by yourself? Like going to the library and finding new books once a week (if you like to read), or going for a walk or just treating yourself to a fancy tea/coffee/ice cream somewhere not invaded by couples (book optional). Sort of like you'd hang out with a friend, just by yourself. Bonus points if you leave the house, or if it's something outside of your normal routine. The point is not to replace your friends, but to have your own positive activities so that you're a little less dependent on them and can give them space if they need it.

I guess you've probably already apologized to your friend. This sounds harsh, but you can't "get him back" unless he changes his mind. Whatever crazy things you do will only hurt you more. I'm going to go out on a limb and say your friend cared about you, and if he did, I'm sure he wanted you to be well. Whatever may have happened, you can only go forward and try to heal yourself. I don't know if you're the writing type, but I wrote letters when my mother kicked me out. Not to send- just kind of like all the things that I never got around to saying, the good and the bad, just to get it all out and help me get some form of closure. Maybe that can help you too.

I promise you are stronger than you think. A few years ago, I thought of a nightmare scenario for my future and figured that if things ever really got that bad, I could kill myself because I'd have nothing left to live for. The future (currently the now) turned out much worse than I'd imagined, but somehow I'm still here, living alone, still highly functioning and actually less depressed. The confidence thing is kind of a catch-22 but I can vouch for your ability to survive alone.

((Okay, fine, I haven't really figured out the laundry yet but give me time. Besides, no-one can prove I didn't totally want to bleach all those shirts. ))