Am I wrong for wanting to get away from my parents?

My entire life my parents have been nothing but good to me. They've given me just about anything I wanted, spoiled me, even. But now all of a sudden I have this intense desire to move away from them for good and start being more independent.

I'm not sure why exactly I feel so strongly about this all of a sudden. I'm about to start my junior year of college, and even in my first 2 years of college I remained pretty close to them. I was only about 30 minutes away from home so even though I lived in the dorms I went home about every other weekend, and some weekends they'd come to see me. I'd been going through some depression at school though, and ultimately decided that transferring to a different school was the best option, to shake things up a bit, get a new start in a new environment.

The school I'm transferring to is about 2 1/2 hours away. I'm moving into my apartment tomorrow, and my parents are acting like I'm moving halfway across the planet never to be seen again. They are so clingy, it drives me insane sometimes. They keep asking me how often I'm going to visit, how often they want me to visit them. The truth is, I think I'd be perfectly okay with seeing them only a few times a year. But I know I'm going to get so much grief if I don't visit more often, I don't know what to do.

I love my parents. I really do. But I feel like they hold me back in a lot of ways. I want a chance to really start making my own life, going out on my own. And I feel like I need to distance myself from them a bit in order to truly do that. But I know they'll miss me a lot and will make me feel really bad for not wanting to visit often. What am I supposed to do?

I think that it's good that you're moving away and starting your life independently. Ultimately it's for the best because you have to grow up and your mom and dad will understand that. They just want to make sure you're okay. No parent wants to see their child go off into this big ole world all by themselves. Their biggest concern is that they wont be within earshot of you so they can't run to your rescue if you need them to. I know I have three children and my daughter starts headstart in two weeks and it's scaring the hell out of me. They'll get over it once they see the amazing daughter they raised can handle things on her own without their help.

They're still paying for everything at this point and this is only for the school year, so I'm not truly "independent" quite yet. Gonna work on that though, try and find a job, and at least start paying for my own food. Hopefully you're right, though. I guess it's to be expected since I went home so often my first two years of school. Hopefully they'll mellow down a bit once they see that I'm alright when I'm away from them.

One problem is that they ask me why I want to get away from them. I say that it's because that's what kids are supposed to do when they grow up, then they ask why I want it so badly and why I want it right now. What am I supposed to say to that?

Tell them that you want it so badly because you are hard at work at your individuation! And, self-actualization, too!



Nothing like long words that end in "tion" when you talk to the empty nester parents!

On a more serious note, be careful with part-time jobs. On the plus side, they provide money in the short term. On the opposite side, studying more may give you options to make more money in the long term. Be careful with this decision.

There's nothing wrong with it at all.

Why not explain to them that it's a transition and that you're trying to help both yourself AND them get used to it? Because clearly, they're having a loooot of trouble letting you grow up and be indepedent. It's best for them to start getting used to it now, so that when you graduate and hopefully find a job, and then move away... well... then it won't come as such a shock to them.

Explain that you want to learn how to manage things on your own, because right now, while you're at school, if you run into trouble you've got a lot of other people in the same situation, and you know that it'll be easy to turn to them or your parents for help if you need it. But once you're out working, you can't just bail out or stuff.

Your desire to be independent is okay.

Healthy parents, want their kids to also be healthy, independent and self sufficient.

Therefore, the deeper question is ... Why wouldn't your parents want to see you achieve that?

It's not healthy for a parent to try to hold onto their kids forever.

You're not wrong. In fact, you're on the right track. You may make mistakes on the way, get into trouble, but in the end, if you succeed, as you will, your parents will ultimately be happy about the decision you made and will be proud of you. You'll have to prepare yourself for some serious hard work though. Letting your parents down will seriously cause them to worry and they probably won't let you go off the second time, so don't let them down! It's good you love your parents so much. You seem nice and capable, and just remember if the depression issues come back when you're independent, you're always free to leave me a PM or talk about it at PC.

I agree with everyone else, you definitely need to move away and start living life on your own. It'll be a great experience for you, just make sure you explain it you your parents well.

Whatever your parents are like, it's normal and healthy to want to strike out on your own. In fact some people have theorised that teenagers become rebellious so they will naturally start to move away from parental attachment and make their own way in the world.

Thank you for the responses, everyone I'm moved in to my apartment now, and I could tell it was really tough for my parents to leave me =/ Haven't had any contact with them since they left after helping move me in (Was only yesterday afternoon, though). Hopefully they start to mellow down a bit as the year goes on. I'm confident that I'll do just fine here even though I'm further away from them. I just hope they're okay, too.

I was 18 when I moved out. It was hard especially for my Mother because we are such a close family. I too have had feelings like yours and they are natural. You have a desire to leave to "nest" just like most other late teen early 20's individuals.

Your parents are probably attached because they love you. They want to make decisions for you to make sure you have a great life. They are going to miss you and will probably be scared and worried because YOU have to make the choices.

Prove to them you are strong and you can make it. They will be proud.

Sounds like you're right on track to me. Junior year in college tends to be when parental contact gets much more infrequent and you really start building your own life. Thankfully, the entire time I was in college, my parents still had other children living at home, so they weren't as clingy to me. My sister is the youngest and thus the last to leave the home, and she definitely got to deal with all that. I don't know your parents' specific situation, but a lot of time, parents have spent most of their adult lives raising their child/children and are not quite sure how to move on with their own lives after that is done, so they try to prolong the parenting process.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empty_nest_syndrome

How about Skype? I guess it's the answer to your problem.
They will 'see' you, briefly, every day at the beginning.
Then someday you'll be too 'busy' but the following day you'll be there.
Then the calls will be every other day and they will slowly try and digest your separation.

I have friends, who have left their teens long long time ago, that still HAVE TO call their parents every day. If they are abroad they must spend all the money it takes to call them every day, or the parents will get anxious.
I educated my parents to expect my phone call saying that I had arrived and everything was ok and maybe another call if the trip was quite long. And there was no skype yet.

Parents do concentrate very much in their kids and sometimes kids became the best of their life, that's why they were so unwilling to let you go.
But you were right to go away: you need to establish a different relationship with them now. You are no more the kitty who needed to be cared of in every way but a young adult that needs to confront with them on ideas, desires, problems and perspectives.

That is why I would encourage you to gradually shift the calls from the missing / loving part to exchanging information about what you and they do in your time. What makes you feel good and what is troubling you. And ask them too what are they doing, encourage them to be pro-active and fill your absence with things to do that they like and that maybe they never had the time for.

Separations of all kinds are very painful if we just sit and mourn. But if we get up and get involved in doing things, the pain is less and in time it will go away.

In your situation, you not only did good in feeling that you needed time and space of your own, but you can help them to change the relationship from adult - child, to adult - adult.
Best of luck and keep up the good work