Losing my marriage, irrecoverable? Help

Kirby,

90-days, in theory. It is going to drag out since she is stalling (she wants temporary alimony/maintenance). There won't likely be permanent maintenance since we were only married 3 years. From the moment of separation, I will pay temporary maintenance through at least permanent orders, if not 90-days after. Each of those steps can be 1-2 months (file, status hearing, temp orders, perm orders). It was 5 weeks from when I filed for legal separation until our status hearing. My attorney thinks by year's end. I think she is being optimistic.

We dated a year, but I can DISTINCTLY remember feelings of "this isn't right" that I ignored. I was too afraid of being alone, and stayed. We had a lot of GOOD things that made that easy (travel, nice things, money, etc.). In retrospect, I lost a lot of my close friends by choosing her. That should also have been a HUGE warning sign...

After the first year of dating, I bought the ring, proposed in a grandiose way, and off we wed a year later (1yr dating, 1yr engaged, 3yrs married).

I gave half of my 30s to this woman, and my entire 20s to my first dx BPD ex wife...

Key things re: BPD that jump out to me now - mirroring. She loved what I loved (my motorcycle, got her all of the gear, she has ridden 2x, backpacking, bought her all the gear, finally returned it 2yrs later, camping -- we went 2x, guns -- she has gone 3 times?). I never saw the flip flop from white to black on a regular basis with me. In many ways I felt idolized in one sense while emotionally empty (and still leaking) on another.

It is primary people she has "painted black" -- things I knew about -- that should have been my warning sign. a) her family is one of the most dysfunctional I know. b) she "cuts people off" when they wrong her -- for good. She doesn't talk to her own mother, one of her brothers, and she DOES go black/white with her other brother and his wife.

She has an "I'm better than everyone" attitude, and a MAJOR sense of entitlement. This is why I think it is somewhere between (or a blend) of BPD/NPD. Knowing what sort of environment she grew up in, I get it.

I am just hoping my boys don't spend a significant time with her family (out of state). Previously, she said she didn't want them to, but now she has painted my family black too (for talking with me and supporting me), and wants to get out to her family (1800 miles away).

I may need to join a BPD support forum that I utilized heavily during my first divorce.

Sitting in my 80% empty house, waiting for my real estate agent. I spent 3 hours with my sons. We went to the craft store and my 2.5yo picked out wooden letters for his name and (kid friendly) paint. We got one letter painted, but slowly building on activities I know he likes. I am going to spend time teaching him Piano next (I learned at three, was teaching by early teens).

She called me several times yesterday. I am thinking the space is doing her good. I am going hold off on reaching out on anything non-essential or non-kid related, as it seems to help. She did tell me she has had thoughts about "us" being a "family". It was quickly qualified with a lot of uncertainty and that the likelihood is very low.

That hurts, though, because I am still teetering on acceptance, and this pulls me backwards.

More to come.

She continues to pull away and just be mean. I am feeling little hope for my marriage...

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