[dxplease]

Hi- I am new to this community. I recently read on the internet (other sites on google) about some people who are suffering from the same thing that I am, and it felt good to hear that I’m not the only one, so I decided to post in here. I know this is going to be long, but I’m hoping someone could give me some advice, whether you’ve been there or not. I am about to step over from the pure therapy side of treatment to medications, and am a little scared. I am also extremely worried about the effects my depression/ anxiety/ PMDD/ borderline personality disorder/ narcissism- whatever the hell this is, are having on my relationship with my boyfriend. So really, truly thank you if you take the time to read and respond to this; it’d mean a lot. Closest I think I might get to group therapy for now, and I doubt if I get to an actual session someone will have this issue so…
For the longest time I thought I was depressed (symptoms- binge eating, online shopping excessively, avoiding social situations, feeling worthless/ suicidal/ hopeless, random crying). My mom said she functions better on a low anti-depressant, some family members have struggled with it, and despite work in talk therapy, I still feel like something is messed up that I can’t fix- hormonal or chemical or whatever. Recently, I have been noticing it comes in cycles very similar to that of pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. My “crazy” days come within the week or so before my cycle starts, and then begin to improve as it goes on, returning to “normal” (relatively speaking- I never really feel absolutely normal) a few days in to the week after my period stops. I have also noticed a kind of comfort in being sad; like that is what I am used to being and will seek out the feeling, even when I’m not in my crazy mindset. This is where the anxious thoughts connect. I have wronged my boyfriend in the past by thinking about/ looking at online profiles of/ checking out other guys and guys I’ve had things with in the past. I also lied to him about the number of people I’d been with and the circumstances that came with them. I also used to lie to him about what I was thinking about and why I said things. I also cannot remember that well, as I used to binge drink (I was drunk when some of the stuff happened) and I just have a ****** memory. I am constantly paranoid about if I am checking out a guy, lying about something, if I’ve forgotten something in the past that I have to admit to him, if I am doing or saying something for a reason other than what I’ve said I’m doing or saying it for. I also, ESPECIALLY when I’m in my crazy mode, get into a serious fog where I do not trust myself at all. I feel disconnected from my boyfriend and all flat and get terrified that I do not love him, that I am just with him because I like having a boyfriend, and that we shouldn’t be together. I have tried to break up with him several times, and have realized several behaviors of mine that I was using to try to push him away. I also get scared that I am a narcissist. I know I have little to no self confidence and am a bit co-dependent on him. I get so upset when he is upset with me that he ends up having to comfort me, even when I’m the one who’s done something to him. I fantasize about other people finding me attractive. I feel like I’m using him to make myself feel better about myself. And then back to the wanting to feel sad thing… On top of all that, I feel like I am making issues for myself. Maybe I’m just an asshole and don’t care about anyone but myself and am using all these labels and symptoms as an excuse for being a ******, immature person. I like being sad. Maybe I like pushing people away too? Maybe I don’t care about his feelings as long as I feel good? This is what happens when I “admit” something to him. I tell him something just so I don’t feel so guilty, regardless of how it makes him feel. I am getting better at holding stuff in that I know is just me trying to make myself feel not guilty, and that it is not necessary for him to know, so that way he doesn’t get sad for no reason. But I still mess up sometimes.
I saw a LCSW from end of May through mid-August of this year. I started out going consistently once a week, then after a little improvement, I felt comfortable going every other. Immediately after switching to that schedule, stuff built up so badly that I knew I should be going once a week, but instead became discouraged with my progress diminishing, and instead kind of tapered off. I do feel I saw some improvement with her, particularly in my communicating with my boyfriend, but after stopping seeing her I feel it’s backtracked my progress a bit. She told me she’d be happy to refer me to a psych after I complained of feeling like our sessions were going in circles/ agreed it might be something chemical. I could not find a good psychiatrist in network, and thus will be saving up my money for my $450 initial evaluation with a psychiatrist who is supposedly really good. I mentioned my financial issue a couple times to the LCSW (I was headed back to school full time and cutting down my part time job hours in August, and all the money I was going to be spending to get a good psychiatrist appointment- upwards of $200 at least) and she really had no sympathy and just kept stressing that the psychiatrist would do medication management, and she would counsel me- didn’t want to lose a steady paycheck, I suppose. So that made me feel a bit used and so I don’t think I will return to her. I will be seeing whatever counselor my school has available hopefully on Friday, and hopefully will establish a relationship with someone there. I just feel like half the reason my talk therapy didn’t go so well is that I have so many ****ing issues that no one knows where to start with me. I don’t even know where to begin. But I can’t keep living like this and keep my boyfriend. I know I don’t make him happy that often and I am terrified he is going to leave me, but at the same time I feel like he should. I feel that part of me is scared to be alone, although I do know that I love him. Help?

[allme]

Ok sorry but I have a terrible concentration span lol

I don't know what the answer is but just wanted to tell you I can relate to some of the stuff you are saying.

I also think my hubby should leave me but he thinks otherwise. He loves me and wants to be with me despite my issues (BPD, anxiety, avoidance, dependence, list goes on...) so who am I to talk him out of it. I have sat there crying telling him he should leave me, that I am a terrible person but he see's more in me than my BPD and I suspect your bf see's more in you than you realise.

As for checking out guys you have had things with in the past...IMO you're doing no harm I guess....maybe I say that because I do some checking myself on facebook but it's purely out of curiosity. BUT I do have a tendency to become obsessed with other men, not that it goes anywhere other than flirting. But some ppl say that is wrong too. Grey area IMO.

So you wasn't completely honest about your past...who is? My hubby chose not to disclose his full past and I respect that. I chose to tell him most things but held back a few things for myself. Some things are meant just for you, you don't have to share everything. As long as you are faithful, meaning no physical contact with anyone else, I don't see you're doing anything wrong.

Sorry I have probably missed loads f points, but like I said, my concentrations span is awful.

Sending you hugs Try not to be so damn hard on yourself!

[gayleggg]

I would say that seeing a psychiatrist is the best idea. He is the only one that can really diagnos you. And you may need medicaitons to level out your moods. Glad you came to Psych Central. We have a lot of supportive and helpful people. Good luck.

[Travelinglady]

Yes, I recommend seeing a psychiatrist and talking to a therapist about your relationship with your boyfriend.