[JaxMax2011]

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. We just bought a house and there is talk of marriage. I love him with all I have, I'm just finding it difficult to love his 3 year old. I've chosen to take the "stay at home" mom role, to be with my 22 month old (previous relationship). I feel awful for having these feelings. What type of monster am I? How can someone hate a child? I'm not sure if its because I can't stand his mother (father has custody). She is never around and will always choose a party over time with him. But he's constantly asking "is my mommy coming? I like her". And it feels like a knife in my chest. It's getting worse, my anger towards him. I've hit him, pushed him (after I caught him continually pushing my son down, and time out didn't work, not that's it's an excuse) I've cursed at him, I've called him dumb. Then I hate myself. Like, who does that to a 3 year old. But I just can't control it, I feel like a monster. And he isn't "innocent" in all of it (again I know it doesn't make it right). He acts dumb. He pretends he can't put on his own shoes, which I've witnessed many times before. He pretends that he can't dress or undress himself. He constantly lies about little things. He annoys and tries to bully my toddler, who after having enough retaliates by pushing, hitting, or biting. Then I have to listen to the 3 year old do his high pitch girly squeal. Sometimes I wonder if its something mentally wrong with him that causes this (such as a disorder) or if its emotionally trauma from his mother being a ***** and dragging him around different men every time she picks him up (once in a blue moon). Then the fact that he doesn't have his daddy's full attention any more. I know I should go to therapy, but I'm terrified ill just be hauled off in cuffs for child abuse. I really don't mean to do it, I just get so angry. It's even starting to effect my relationship with my 22 month old. How can I control this anger and this hate I feel? Please help me. I don't want to lose such a great family and man over my anger.

[jrb777]

Hi, im no expert as my husbands kids are grown and out of the house and I myself do not have kids...but I can tell you if you dont make a change now, IT WILL NEVER END!!! Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how his son acts? Does he discipline him at all? Sounds like the son is acting out either for attention, rebellion other reasons as you mentioned (about the mom or maybe he is angry about living with you and your child?). All I know is fix the problem now because it will only get worse. My husbands 19yo daughter started having MAJOR issues about a month after we got married and now Im SCREWED. She doesnt even live with us and she is ruining my life and what was supposed to be a year of newlywed bliss!!!!! For now - when you get angry with him either walk away or keep telling yourself over and over that he doesnt know any better. These are likely his toddler coping skills. 3 is young to take to counseling but maybe you and your husband could talk to someone about parenting him together since you are mostly the one home with him. There has to be some way to cope without losing the person you love over a kid. If you find the answer let me know!

[jrb777]

All I can say is you need to fix this problem ASAP. My husbands 19 year old daughter decided to start acting out about a 1- 3 months after we got married and it has literally ruinined everything. Our entire first year of marriage has sucked bc of her. I keep telling myself I cant just walk out bc of her and divorce was never even an option, but lately I cant stop thinking about how much happier I could be and less stressed and dont deserve to deal with all the drama. In your case he is young and impressionable and you can probably stop his behavior before it is too late...but you have to make sure your boyfriend is on board. My husband is a psychiatrist and internist and has a solution to freakin everything, but the girl just wont listen to any of it or get help. The 3 year old is probably just acting out because he is either angry or rebelling. Maybe he is pissed that you and your child moved in, maybe he is jealous or does have ***** mom issues? 3 is proably to young for counseling but you or you AND the boyfriend should see a counselor in behavior therapy so you can correct the sons behavior at a young age. Also, you dont want his behavior rubbing off on your 22 month old or putting your child in any danger or an unhealthy environment. Just fix it now bc the problem will never get better and honestly if my step daughters mental health and drug problems were there when I first met her father, I never would have gotten involved. This **** never ends and she isnt my daughter so theres not much I can do. I am too young and I feel like all my youth has been sucked out of me! Its so tolling on our marriage and I can honestly say I hate her too. She is too old for me to put into a time out but believe me ive had conversations in my head where I give her a piece of my mind lol. I dont like talking to friends or family about any of this bc 1) they have their own problems and 2) dont want them to know all the details and 3) just say things like, you knew he had kids when you got involved etc etc

Anyways, sorry for rambling but I understand your position and why you hate him. The resentment will eventually eat you up if you dont open up about it. You have to say something to your boyfriend in a calm, reassuring non aggressive way. Sit down with him and talk calmly. Offer suggestions for solutions and compromises. Hope this helped a little

[twoper]

Wow, I can see that this must be a difficult situation for you.

So, therapy would be a really good idea. They do have to report you if they think you would possibly hurt someone else. Perhaps you could start off by describing the situation and your feelings and mentioning/admitting to only the verbal attacks you've made. Although even just verbal abuse can be damaging to a child, they are less likely to haul you away for it (unfortunately, in many instances).

I can tell that you know 100% that the verbal and physical stuff is wrong, and I know you want to stop, which is why I'm recommending omitting a few things so that you can get the help to make you stop.

A CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) oriented therapist might be able to help you learn techniques to calm down and refocus yourself in the moment. It sounds like you already understand, when you're not overwhelmed, that your boyfriend's son has emotional trauma that is causing him to act this way. His "playing dumb" is likely a cry for nurturance and love. Not that it's your job to force yourself to give those, but ultimately his actions are very understandable.

Would it be possible for you to also do some part-time work or volunteer activities outside the house? Taking breaks from the kid could be really helpful.

I think you could also sit down with your boyfriend and tell him calmly that you want to do your best with his son, but there is more going on emotionally with him than you can handle. It might be that he should spend more time at home or taking his son out, rather than you doing it.

[Anika.]

Wait till your own child pretends to not know how to put on shoes or get dressed. It's a relatively common thing for a child that age. They are growing and sometimes feel a little insecure so revert back into being a little more needy. Basically that is pretty normal. The child is three...that is innocent.

Yelling, swearing, hitting and pushing belittleing him and calling him names...yes you do need to get to therapy. I don't mean to be rude but it sounds as tho your behaviour is out of control..like you are having tantrums yourself. This child did not ask to be here, he did not ask to have you in his life, or the parents he has. He doesn't have a say in any of that, but you do. He doesn't have the skills or tools or emotional maturity, he needs parents to model that to him.

Perhaps if you try to approach being part of his life as a privilege and not as a burden it might help. You could be a positive healthy influence in his life or you could be a negative hurtful influence
But it seems he has enough of that already. You have to be the adult tho, and saying that you know you should go to therapy, but are afraid to because you are afraid of the consequenses for your actions... what message does that send to a child? You know you need help, ask for help. There are parenting classes and therapy to help you deal with your feelings in a positive way. It's not this little three year olds fault. It sounds like there is a lot of resentment but it's being targeted where it doesn't belong.

Try to think back to when you were three? I do not understand why you hate him, he is three. Ever have siblings, fight with them when you were little? Sounds like he needs some guidance, dicipline ( not yelling, screaming, belittling, or hitting) and some love.

If you feel you cannot give him that or control your anger then perhaps you need to step out of the picture so that he does not have to deal with that as well. You do have to acknowledge who is the adult in this.

If my reply seems harsh it is because I think that it is irresponsible to acknowledge what you are doing and to continue doing it even tho you know it is not right. There are so many people on these forums that were treated poorly and as adults are still struggeling with the damage. Imagine this was your own child.. how would you feel about his fathers gf treating your child this way?

Child abuse ia never ok no matter how you try to justify it. So reach out and get help in real life. Raising kids is not easy, being in a blended family is not easy. But if it is what you choose then you owe it to youself and to him and your own child to get help. Lots of parents need help, there is no shame in that.

I guess think about how he might turn out if things continue this way, and how he might turn out if there is more peace and love in the home vs anger and hate.

I hope you will be brave and seek some help with this. I don't think you will be put in cuffs but you will probably be given the help and guidance you need to make a positive change.

What role is the father playing, it certainly is not up to you to be doing it all. Since you stay home I can see why that would become a frustration. I have been a stay at home mom, it is tiring and taxing that is for sure. But his role is very important and he needs to be giving his son as much as he can. You could both work on this together.

[IndieVisible]

I agree with everyone so far. Please get therapy because you could be creating a future BPD person.