Older parents - How do you give them advice?

And I'm his only child. My dad stayed at home to raise me. He's a great guy... but sometimes I just get SO frustrated with him. I'm back living at home after university. I was offered a job here.. so it just made sense. Live at home, make money, save money.

However, this means that now - after living 4 years on my own - semi-establishing my independence.. I now have to deal with my parents again. *sigh*

I love them. I really do. But sometimes they make me so damn frustrated.

I am 22, my dad is 71 and my mom is 65 (and she hasn't retired yet!).

I see them, and they seem pretty stuck in their ways. My dad is super stingey. Didn't even want to get our toilet fixed even though you need a plunger to flush it. Wouldn't even go to the store until finally I just flipped out and said WE NEED OUR G*DDAMN TOILET TO FLUSH F*%&! etc etc and he went to the store. His first resort was going to be to call the plumber and spend hundreds of dollars to get it fixed. Which is why he kept procrastinating it and never doing anything about it. Which is WHY i suggested buying the septic tank friendly cleaner to try that first. but he still didn't do it.

I don't like being the bully. I don't want to bully them into getting rid of stuff. It's just... I'm lost in this situation. I know positive reinforcement is the best kind to get people into action.. but I think I'm just too close to this situation to see it clearly.

Every time I try to improve something... I just end up getting frustrated and flipping the hell out because I just don't understand/can't comprehend how they live this way.

Example... our living room is basically like a living library... without the shelves. We have books on our coffee table so much so.. that the lamp had to go on top of it. There's books under the piano bench, on top of the piano bench, lining the walls, our book shelves are over flowed.

The one day, I tried to clean the living room up a bit, I put a couple of books that I thought should be thrown away into the box.
My mother gets home that day and she brings in two more boxes.

I just. I'm like. wtf. so I flip out saying *$^&%&$ why do we have so many books! they're useless! You could sit down and read for an entire life time and not have enough time to read all of them! She cried... but then agreed with me (my moms emotional.. she'll cry at anything.. I'm practically immune to it - I don't want to sound like a ******. If you knew my mom, you'd agree).



ANYWAYS. Help. how... how do I deal with this? Any suggestions?

Im just trying to get them to see that they can live their lives vitally! They may be older, but it's no excuse to give up.

I suspect your parents are set in many of their ways by now. When did your parents grow up and under what circumstances? For example, if money came hard in their family, then they won't forget. Older folks tend to be more conservative than younger ones when it comes to money. My mother is 85, and although she has plenty of money now, she still is very careful with her finances. Yes, embarassingly careful sometimes!

And books are very valuable to some people. There were days when the number of books in a family home were calculated in determining a family's social class!

Just like you probably don't like unsolicited advice from them, they are likely to feel the same and even double.

I know it won't be easy, but you are going to need to be patient with what you perceive as their quirks. That's my take on the matter, anyway.

I'll be interested in hearing what other folks have to say.

I am attempting to be... diplomatic. While I sympathize with you returning to your childhood home after being on your own, this is their house! We tried living with my parents for the 6 weeks it was going to take for the house we were moving into to be ready. We didn't make it the 6 weeks.

All of our children will always be welcome in our home. I would not dream of asking them to pay rent while living here, but there is a cost, and that cost is respect. This is MY house. I paid for it, it belongs to me. I have earned the right to live the way I see fit. By the same token, when I visit my adult children I follow their house rules as well.

I smiled when you said you flipped out about the books. While I would never openly disrespect my own mother in that way, my brother and I feel similarly about my mother's Hummel and Angel collections. She brings all of that crap in the house and sees beauty. We see a bunch of crap that someone's got to sort through when she's gone. She has filled 3 bedrooms, a basement, attic, two car garage with a full attic full of this very expensive junk. While her bedroom, bathroom, living room, den, kitchen, dining room and office are all very "normal" at least 60% of her house and all of her 1500 (not including the attic) sq ft garage is filled with what we consider junk. But it's her house and her money.

So my suggestion is to keep your bedroom the way you like it and give your parents the respect they deserve and accept the things you cannot change.

I agree with AAAAA. This is their home and they have the freedom to live it how they feel comfortable. If you wish to see the toilet fixed, ask for the father's permission to fix it at your expense. Ask your mother if she would like a bookcase for all of her books. Help her to organize them how SHE wants them done and ask kindly f she had thought of SHARING her great books with other people who may be shut it and not able to get books so easily. Donating books to help others may make her feel better about it. Also advise her of eReaders now so she can read online and not have to collect books in the home now.

It is a toilet, guys. A toilet. I can survive the books. I can just chalk it up to one of my parents quirks even though it makes many rooms in our house unlivable/barely livable.

But this is a sanitation issue. You cannot flush the toilet in our house without using the plunger. I hate that. I feel like that's basically like wiping e-coli ALLL over the floor in our bathroom and the toilet.

I can't afford to get a plumber. 1) Because I have to save up for grad school because my parents aren't sure how much they'll be able to help with that so it will be up to me to afford it. 2) Any time I offer to pay for something, my mom says "no" save up for yourself. She is a really lovely and generous women.

My parents are awesome.

But I need the toilet fixed.

Y'all make good points on that it is their house. Okay. But isn't there like a health code thing? I don't know! The toilet part is just really bothersome! I can't have ppl over. When I do, they have a look of shock/dismay/and wtf when I tell them they can't flush it.

My social life is just barely there considering I moved away from friends I had made in the city I used to live in/they couldn't handle my emotions... they got scared when they realized I had depression.

I want my parents to realize they don't have to live like this. They could do or be anything they want to be! And I feel like they're just settling now. Maybe it's my twenty-something frame of mind. But... I still think that it doesn't matter if you get old - you can still do things!

Arg. I don't think I'm explaining myself very well. sigh.

I do understand your point about the toilet. But do you parents have the money to fix it/hire a plummer? When you start to get older a lot of elderly people start to worry about having enough money to live on and just pay the bills. If they have the money and just won't spend it that is one thing but do the really have the money? And still if they don't want to fix it you can't force them to. I'm in agreement, with the others, it's their house. And chances are you are not going to change them at their age. Let them live out their years the way they choose. Been in your shoes and tried to force change, it doesn't work. Hope you can accept them the way they are.

I am not very diplomatic either but here I go.I get the part about saving for grad school but could you use a little of your savings for a plumber. After all, you are saving on room and board and utilities etc. by living with your parents? And although it may be a health code violation, do you really want to call the health dept. on your parents? If you do, none of you will be living in the house until a plumber fixes the problem.

I really believe I know how you feel. I was 22 once, and I was sure I was the only intelligent person in the house. But if you really can't stand it, you will have to move out and perhaps give up on grad school for now.

I think you all make very good points. Thank you. I really mean that.

I was reading Super Brain by Deepak Chopra and this other M.D. and I guess I was just so enthusiastic about their point how we can make changes to our brain and therefore our lives at any age that I got caught up in that and was trying to make my parents see that.

I will just live with everything as it is now. If guests want to come over and they are friends of mine, they will understand my parents have quirks and that in order to flush our toilet, you have to use a plunger. Whatever. I guess it's better than having an outhouse :P If I have enough money saved up, I might just hire a plumber. I can't afford it right now because what if my parents had an emergency that they needed money for? Yeah, this is not really cool to have right now, but I guess until the toilet literally stops working... it doesn't qualify as an emergency.

I'll learn to live with it.

*sigh* The twenties are hard. Awesome-ish but hard.

I too have older parents. I do not live with them but I understand your dilemma. My father is a hoarder, granted my mother has been able to keep him in check to some degree. I think the solution may be in your approach. I understand that none of you may have the money for a plumber at the moment and you think that putting one of the over the counter "cleaners" in may help. If you father won't go get it, maybe you could and offer to help him fix it. Pick it up at the store for him. I know my once very capable father has lost his confidence in doing simple things. As far as the books go with your mother... maybe express how much other people would appreciate being able to read them and maybe she could find a local group that will trade. That way even if she donates three boxes, she may only bring home a few and not feel like she's lost anything because she will have access to more. I know my parents keep some things because they aren't sure they will be able to get it again. I do agree with the respect aspect as I have had adult children of my own come home. I think my children overstep at times because they are trying to prove that they aren't children anymore and they want to make sure I see them that way. That's not really the issue at all. I can appreciate that my children are grown, but in the same turn I want them to appreciate that I'm doing something that I do not have to do to help them. What I'm saying is just try to make sure your parents know that you appreciate what they do for you and the changes that you want to make are coming from wanting to help them better their lives, not you being a "grown up" and telling them what to do.

Best of luck!

I wouldn't relive my 20s for all of the money in the world

I'll be interested in hearing what other folks have to say.

Hahahahah I've heard that a couple of times now :P It gives me comfort knowing that I'm not the only one that is always like whaaaaaa! This is life?! :P

I wish I knew half of what I thought I knew at 18 . Plus you're in that stage where people think you're old enough to know better but not old enough to make good decisions. In your 30 things start to make sense. In your 40s you don't care if they do or not. I don't know much about the 50s yet but I'll keep you posted.

In your fifties, you don't remember who those other people are...

Ahh! That can be the motto for the fifties. You forget to care