[ThousandMiles]

Hello everyone, I'm new in this forum and try to find help and advice.

To explain roughly why I am here:
I have this problem of always being "the nice girl". No wrong words to anyone, no disappointments, no harsh words. I try to make everyone happy, and then I am happy. I cannot say why I am like this. I've got some assumptions, of course, concerning my past and childhood/ youth, but I should stick to the main topic here.

I've got a boyfriend for 3 months now, but we know each other for almost a year. I've never loved anyone the way I love him, and he means the world to me. I don't want to be with anyone else in this universe, and still I made huge mistakes. In the very beginning of our relationship I lied to him. I know he's a sensitive person and got cheated on three times in a row. He's got many scars on his body, scars of a sad past, memories of depression. Honesty is of the highest value for him and I've always claimed to be an honest person. I really thought I would be. But.. Well. He asked a question about how close me and my former "boyfriend" got (it truly was a short and meaningless story for me), and since I didn't want to hurt him by telling him the bitter truth, I lied. It was wrong, and when I did that I simply hoped he would never ever get back to that topic. But he did. And I kept on lying as I was too much of a coward to tell him the truth. After weeks and "pulling" the truth out of me, he finally found out. And he was so shocked about the fact that I lied to him for so long, that he took some pills and ended up in hospital. He seriously tried to kill himself. The weird thing about that is that I didn't even "realize" how much I was destroying him by my lies. I did not do that on purpose. It sounds ridiculous, but it's still the way it is. And it makes me see that it has always been like this in my life, me withholding truths to protect people, to keep up the illusion that everything is fine. But I've never done that with bad intentions.
Anyway, I lied to him. When he got out of hospital, he asked me to tell him everything I had lied about so far. And again, I was a coward. There was something more I was not honest with him, and it was about sexual details concerning my former relationships. Relationships that are simply nothing in comparison. I can neither compare the sexual act nor the feelings I had back then with what I have with my boyfriend now. But still he wanted to know things which I lied about then to make him feel better and take away his insecurity. And again, the same procedure. I lied and kept on doing that for weeks until the "big break down" when he found out after hours of pressurizing me. And he took a knife and cut his arm immediately, a huge deep wound that should have been seen by a doctor actually. And in that moment, we were only half way through. But this I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him that there is still something more I wasn't fully honest about. I was way too afraid he could hurt himself. The thing is that he doesn't hurt himself because of the truth, but about me lying to him for so long. If I had told him in the beginning, he would have been sad for some time and nothing more. Anyway, the last thing I had lied about came out a few days later when he took a knife and pressed it against his neck, threatening me to kill himself right in that moment if I didn't tell him. So I told him.
Why did I do all that? I don't exactly know. I should have known that it hurts him way more to get lied to instead of hearing a bad truth. But somehow I felt like being caught in a "circle" or in a spider web, and my fear and anxiety were immense.
Right now we're at that point that I am actually sure that there are no more things I lied about. I feel that everything was said, but of course he cannot believe me. It's not the first time that I say that I do no longer lie to him with the exception that it's really the truth now.
We love each other so much that we cannot just break up. I don't even want to think about spending my life without him. My lies poisened what we have, and what we have could have been perfect if there hadn't been my lies. I regret what I did, and if only I could turn back time..
I never lied to hurt him. And I kept on lying because I wanted to avoid that he cuts himself or does something even worse. I would never ever cheat on him. I've never done that in my entire life, and in general he's the one that I want to spend my life with. Despite my lies I'm 100% loyal to him and I would go through fire for him!
These weeks, it's like a real struggle. He's got very tough times to manage his daily life, and every few days he gets reminded of what I did and gets very depressed and distant and hateful for days.
And all these things prevent me from totally opening myself. I no longer dare to tell him what I am feeling because I think he wouldn't believe me anyway. After getting closer, I feel like saying that this has been heaven, but I know he would start comparing himself with my ex and again not believe me.
He said I am the worst thing that happened to him due to my unnecessary lies. And he also says that I am the worst liar he has ever known. He's got HUGE trust isues. Of course...
I've thought about leaving to make it easy for him. But he doesn't want me to leave and this he clearly said. I know how much he suffers, and so do I. I suggested to conduct a counselor, but he didn't like that idea at all since he went there years ago because of his depression back then and it didn't help him.
I feel like destroying him.
I want to be with him.
I am desperate.
I am afraid there is no "solution", but still I am telling you these things to talk about it at all. And I appreciate it a lot if you've read this so far and maybe even think about writing a few lines..
Thank you very much!

[Leed]

Dearheart, I think he has more issues than just being lied to. Anyone who tries to kill himself because someone lied to him has serious issues!! And I'm afraid they aren't all about lying. You said he had alot of scars from his past -- well my thinking is he has ALOT of scars from his past, and THOSE are affecting his present. He may have abandonment issues, he was probably abused, there could be a myriad of things that happened to him in his childhood. He seriously needs therapy!

You said he went to a "counselor" before and it didn't help. What kind of a counselor did he have? Was it a psychiatrist? A psychologist? Or was it a social worker? He really needs to see a psychiatrist -- someone who is trained in abusive issues and can see him regularly. Is there any way you can get him to go? Your future depends on him going, and his MENTAL HEALTH depends on it !

Perhaps if you suggested couples counseling to start, it would get him in the 'mood" for counseling. He might see where it could benefit him individually. See if he'll go if you both go -- then see what happens. I wish you the very best of luck. Please let us know what happens, ok? We really do care. God bless & best of luck. Hugs, Lee

Deffo needs therapy.

If you didnt want to discuss your past, you didnt need to. It shouldnt be so important as you are with him now, not the ones from the past. I feel he pressured you into a corner, and you lied to spare his feelings.

His behaviour over how he reacted when he then pressured you to tell the truth has absolutely nothing to do with you. Do not take the blame for this. You dont put the knife or pills in his hands, and you have no say on what he does with them. I feel he has massive issues and is emotionally blackmailing you. Its actually dreadful behaviour, please please do not take the blame, or be blackmailed in the future. What would happen if you ever wanted to split up with him? He'd try to blackmail you to stay, saying something like "if you leave me, I will kill myself". Please understand his actions are all of his own doing, not yours. You would be entitled to make your own choices, just as he does.

I hope he tries again with therapy, he cant carry on as he is, for himself and your health & mental state. Please dont be a victim or be manipulated because as he is now, I fear will be bad for you. You are not responsible for his happiness.

Wish you all the best x

[Trippin2.0]

I just want to echoe every word riotgrrrl posted... Your past was none of his business, you dont live there anymore. and now you are being blackmailed and manipulated by his self-abuse. This guy needs some serious help, love doesnt magically fix people, he needs to grow up, and quit blackmailing you (childish tactic) and he definitly needs to see a professional.

[sesame]

"After getting closer, I feel like saying that this has been heaven"

It's only been three months, and he's threatened or tried to kill himself three times. Even you said that he acts distant and "hateful." That's not heaven! Please, NEVER feel like you "caused" him to do these things to himself. It's HIS choice, always. None of this is or was your fault. You're allowed to keep things to yourself if you don't want to discuss them with him, and it's inherently inappropriate for him to force or pressure you for hours so he can get his answers. If you don't want to talk about something, reserve the right to say "I'm not going to talk about that with you." If he pressures you, leave.

Let him know that he can't control you like this, and feel free to make it as direct as possible. He does these things to force a reaction out of you. It's terrible, it really is. On one side of the coin, if he threatens to hurt himself over your response to a conversation topic and you leave the room/house/etc, it's possible that he'll continue to hurt himself. On the other side of the coin, if he threatens to hurt himself over your response to a conversation topic and you leave, he learns that he can't hurt himself to get your attention anymore, and has no choice but to establish healthy methods of getting your attention. It's hard to take the 'tough love' route of things in this situation, but on some level I feel like that's going to push him to change his way of thinking faster than anything else might, especially if he's refusing therapy.

Are there any times where he's threatened to hurt you?

[tigerlily84]

I agree with what the other posters have said. You are responsible for your own happiness, not anyone else's. If he has trust issues, abandonment issues, whatever... those are HIS issues! He needs to work through them. He is manipulating you. I'm sorry to be so blunt but he is.

This is not healthy for either of you and both of you need help. Yes, you read that right, BOTH of you need help. Him, to deal with his problems. And you, to deal with the emotional fallout of having someone you love manipulate you like this. You have a past. Guess what, so does he. He's not a perfect angel that never made a mistake. The healthy reaction for him would have been to either talk and work through it, or to break up.

Another thing to think about, how are you so sure that he wouldn't have reacted the same way if you had told him straight away? The thing is, he is not stable right now. I really hope that he gets the help he needs and that you can talk to a therapist as well. Your mental health is just as important as his.

[Harley47]

Hi Thousandmiles. I hope I can be of some help.

I'm agreeing with everything said so far. You have nothing to feel responsible for as far as his attempts go. I can understand being hurt over being lied to (which I should point out...even if you weren't truthful, I don't think it was really his place to demand such details...I'll get back to this in a moment), but his reaction speaks to something seriously wrong aside from trust issues.

Going back to the "lie," I can understand asking about partners (Not specifics...that's TMI) to an extent. It is sometimes knowledge that may want to be known. I get that. But there's two things here that really bother me. One, it bothers me that he wanted to know precisely how close you and ____ went...that's rather private information, you know? Secondly, and more importantly, it sounds like he didn't trust you to start with if he kept pressuring you over it. That is a red flag.

But as far as his attempts go, this isn't your fault...it's sad that he does this, yes, but you're his girlfriend, not his lifeline. He needs help...help that neither you nor I could begin to provide. He really needs to see a therapist to get himself straight...that is his job, not yours. And his previous girlfriends are not an excuse. To be frank, my ex before my most recent one cheated on me with my close friend and superior officer in JROTC, and my most recent...well, to save a lot of unnecessary details, she cheated, a lot (I like to joke instead of a love triangle my ex was more like a love tetrahedron). My most recent I loved like I didn't think I could love another person, I thought was the "one"...all that jazz. The frank part is this...even though she hurt me as she did, and even if I don't harbor the fuzziest of feelings towards her, I don't hate her enough to threaten to scar the rest of her life by killing myself as she watched...that is calculated and very cruel. I'm not saying he hates you as I said in my example. I only mean to illustrate what type of an action that is.

I know you love him, and I don't suspect that much of what I said is particularly what you wanted to hear. That is something I understand very well given all that happened with my ex. But you can't be his tether to a normal life...that is sweet, and noble, but it doesn't feasibly work. He will drag you down before you are able to lift him up. He needs serious, professional help.

Please know that you are in my prayers, and I hope I was of some help. I hope my post doesn't read too bluntly or too harshly. That is certainly not my intention. It's just important for you to realize what it is you're dealing with here, in my opinion. I do feel bad for him, as he obviously needs help...but you can't risk ruining yourself to try to help him.

Many hugs,
Harley

[ThousandMiles]

Wow, I'm speechless. I just logged in and read through all your replies. A HUGE THANK YOU to all of you! I am really moved how much you all care about me and try to help. And by reading what you're thinking I try to see things from a new and different perspective. Thank you! You know, talking about these things here means a lot to me since I cannot talk to anyone about these things. I simply don't know who I can really trust. By the way, sorry if my English is incorrect here and there. I'm not a native speaker, but chose this forum anyway because it seemed to meet my needs.
Anyway, dear Lee, I don't know details about the treatment he got in this past (as I hardly ask any "very personal" questions). But at least I know that he was in a psychiatry for quite a while, I guess even weeks, after he had tried to kill himself. I know that he is not afraid of pain. Even when he tried to kill himself years ago. He only survived for the reason that he woke up after hours of lying unconsciously, and then he decided to fight for his life and so he called the ambulance.
riotgrrrl, yes, I really felt pressured into a corner, so true. But still I have been asking myself whether I am really such a coward that I cannot just tell the truth then.. Yes, I've been shocked about his direct and personal questions, and by thinking about it I come to the conclusion that there has never been anyone asking such things after such a short time of being together. But still it was his right to ask and it would have been my right to say "I don't want to talk about it". But I chose the way of lying instead.. Damn.
"Your past was none of his business, you dont live there anymore." Yes Trippin, this is exactly what I am thinking. My past is my past, and I hate it to talk about previous relationships. If he didn't talk about it, I wouldn't think about my ex-boyfriends AT ALL, and I so don't want to compare. But he wanted me to do that, and that is why I lied again..
Dear sesame, he has not threatened to hurt me. It's even the opposite, he says he could never hurt me, but would hurt everyone who tried to hurt me. He actually knows a lot about fighting since he's done it for many years, as a hobby, a sport.
Still I have to admit that I am afraid of him. If he gets super angry in the middle of our "fight", he might throw empty bottles against the wall. And once he destroyed his acoustic guitar totally. He calls me bad names and he shouts at me, but I know that this is due to the anger rising inside of him. When I go upstairs to let him calm down, I hear him play songs about honesty and distrust and things like that. And then I feel like the most worthless person on this planet.
Dear tigerlily84, "how are you so sure that he wouldn't have reacted the same way if you had told him straight away?" That's a good question. And you know, I told you all about the big lie in the beginning about how close I got with some guy. And then I brought in my other lies about the sexual details. But the weird thing is that in the beginning we once chatted on the internet and he asked those details. And I seriously told him the truth. And then he got very silent and said "I'm not comfortable". And I was panicking since we'd been together for only a few days and I didn't know him like that. And then, in very intimate moments, I saw him thinking about the things I had told him. He got so frustrated, insecure and hateful towards himself, and then I started lying. I said that I had talked ******** and actually it hadn't been like that and NOW I remember correctly blablah.. I seriously wanted to pull him out of that dark hole, wanted him to be comfortable again and not think about ex-relationship-things that are not important to me.
Harley47, thank you for your advice. You know, he says he has never loved anyone the way he loves me. And the reason why I believe him is the fact that he is still with me, even though I hurt him so much. And I used the word "hateful" in my first post, and that is because he apparently HATES me in some moments. He can be the most loving man on earth, hugging me tightly, talking to me like writing a poem. There has never been anyone describing me the way he does it, and on the other side he is as well able to hate me more than anyone has ever done. But even when he is so angry and cutting himself and destroying bottles and stuff, he always gets to that point when he just cries full of despair. And after about 2 days (it always takes about that long) of ignoring me, not looking at me when I am around, he somehow "comes back" to me. It can happen through a gesture, for example he is cooking something and then saying "I cooked something, and it probably tastes like crap, but try it". And then we get "back to normal" again..

[ThousandMiles]

There is one more thing I should mention:
His way of coping with the situation or rather becoming "numb" is drinking. He tends to do it every evening, and I'm sorry for doing that, but I seriously count the bottles. It's something I learned to do as a daughter of an alcoholic. And now I feel a bit like reminded of my father..
Well, my boyfriend drinks about 2 litres of beer - almost every evening. I told him I'm afraid of him getting/ already having a serious issue. But the only thing he replies is that he knows it isn't good and before I lied to him he also hadn't smoked that much. It's my fault he's doing that or better to say: As I lied to him, he now has to find ways to deal with it, and this is one way.
Day by day I witness total self-destruction, and I'm more than worried.

[ThousandMiles]

One more significant thing that comes up to my mind:
I know he took some antidepressants. He told me about that, and also that those antidepressant didn't help. Anyway, I'm quite sure that he still took them in the first few weeks we were together because I saw him taking a pill from a package.. And I saw him doing that days in a row.
Even though he states that antidepressants don't help him, they maybe still DO help in some way? Well, he's an extraordinary intelligent and also stubborn person and I doubt I could find a way to make him take them again, even if they might help.
I am sorry for having posted all these confusing thoughts recently, but I've been thinking a lot and whenever something relevant crosses my mind, I really feel like telling you.
Thank you!

[Trippin2.0]

I'm glad that you are able to talk freely here and please dont worry about your English, its very good, better than good, honest more honesty... Your bf sounds very emotionally volatile (takes one to know one) BUT, I am very in control of my reactions, and I'm mature enough to know that drinking, makes those outbursts WORSE, and I know not to subject other's to it. He seems very manipulative, and the verbal abuse, has GOT TO GO! I dont like telling people what to do, but this guy has lots of red flags

[Trippin2.0]

Red flag 1: backing you into a corner- CONTROLLING. Red flag 2: manipulating you. Red flag 3: emotionally blackmailing you. Red flag 4: Blaming you for HIS reactions. Red Flag 5: Verbal abuse. Red flag 6: Alcoholism. Red flag 7: Throwing things (my ex started off like yours, he eventually beat me to a pulp) ... So while I dont usually tell others what to do, here's what I would do... RUN! this guy is in NO way at a place in his life where he can sustain a HEALTHY relationship. You deserve so much better.

[ThousandMiles]

"Emotionally volatile", that might be true. So far I've been thinking that this is due to my behavior, because of me lying to him. He used the term "reminder" a few times. So whenever his mood changed from happy to sad/angry, that happened somehow due to a "reminder" or - better to say - a situation that reminded him of what had happened/ of my lies.
The huge "break down" (when he pulled the truth out of me and then took the pills) happened after four weeks of being together and in those first four weeks we were happy. Still there were those situations of him being uncomfortable and occasionally distant because of the things I had told him about my ex-boyfriends concerning sexuality (the reason I consequently started lying to him).
And now? It's like a rollercoaster. Last night he hugged me in his sleep, murmuring "I love you so damn much". But I can never know for how long he is so loving. He can turn into someone really hateful. But even in those hateful hours/days he cannot be purely hateful. There are always moments of weakness, him saying "I cannot see you like this". Or when I am really afraid and storming upstairs, he's almost in tears, saying things like "OMG, I could never hurt you!!"
It's really like a rollercoaster.
Trippin, you suggest to run. But I love him, and I do want to make this work, you know.. And when I posted here for the first time, I was sure that I am "the problem". You make me think about things again, definitely, but still I do feel guilty.
In the very beginning I told him that I am such an honest person and I was really thinking I would be. But I lied to him immediately. How to measure my lie? Is it a lie many people would have told when they had got asked such a question? Or is it me being especially dishonest? I don't want to be a dishonest person. Isn't my boyfriend right by saying that I am a bad liar? Am I irresponsible since I knew how fragile he is, but still lied? I'm questioning myself a lot these days. I wish he could read my thoughts and see that I would never do any harm on purpose.
His trust issues surely result from his former experience with his ex-girlfriends, but I knew about his bad experience. And still.. And so a lie that maybe even seems to be "little" to most people can be totally destructive and catastrophic. But the main thing here is also that I kept on lying. I myself know that I was afraid of his reaction and thus didn't tell him the truth, but I looked him in the eye and LIED. I am sorry for writing all these things here, but I just try to get things straight. Am I not really cruel to lie to the person I claim to love so much?

[Trippin2.0]

He was volatile waaay before you 2 got involved. You are now a convenient excuse to be so volatile... Wether you lied or not, isnt even the issue anymore. His behaviour is. Nobody wants to be lied to, but there sometimes are extenuating circumstances. We lie to protect others from a truth that could NEVER benefit them, and sometimes we lie coz we know how they'd react. Seems like your reason was a bit of both, and it doesnt tarnish your integrity, you didnt do it out of spite. Your bf, needs to man-up

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Red flag 1: backing you into a corner- CONTROLLING. Red flag 2: manipulating you. Red flag 3: emotionally blackmailing you. Red flag 4: Blaming you for HIS reactions. Red Flag 5: Verbal abuse. Red flag 6: Alcoholism. Red flag 7: Throwing things (my ex started off like yours, he eventually beat me to a pulp) ... So while I dont usually tell others what to do, here's what I would do... RUN! this guy is in NO way at a place in his life where he can sustain a HEALTHY relationship. You deserve so much better.

First class post and wise words from Trippin.

Thousand, you started your original post, saying that you're a nice girl, and that when you make people happy, it makes you happy. I really think that your boyfriend knows that and is taking huge advantage of that, seeing it as a weakness. He's blaming everything on you, and you telling a couple of lies.

I daresay you will not want to hear any of this, and will defend your boyfriend to the end. Only you can decide what to do with your life, and your boyfriend, but I hope you'll make sure you are safe, and mentally sound. He WILL wear you down and make you a victim. Please dont mistake his drama, his excitement as interesting or let it become addictive & take over your life. I've been there and I didnt see it until I got out of the relationship. I wish you'd use some of that lovely kind nature that you have and treat yourself with it.

[Trippin2.0]

He needs to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for his actions, instead of throwing a dangerous emotionally blackmailing tantrum at your expense. Love is all good and well, but love is NOTHING without respect. He doesnt respect you, and one day, when you realize you've been putting up with his emotional abuse for too long, you will lose your respect for him too. He needs help,your relationship will go nowhere slowly if he doesnt get some fast... I wish you the best, God bless

[ThousandMiles]

Thank you Trippin, thank you riotgrrrl!
Puuh, at this point I feel totally numb and helpless. Your opinions sound logical and I seriously put trust in your words. Now I have to think about how to move on, what to do next.. And somehow I feel like retelling the whole story again because it's so unbelievable that you do not blame me.. I'm like "Did I make them understand correctly? Did they really get the whole thing?" Thank you so much for your support!
I know I love him, and I also know that love only cannot be enough to make things work. I want to be with him, and I don't want to give up on him.
Yesterday and today, everything between him and me went fine, even though I noticed those slight mood changes. He can be laughing and happy, making jokes and so on, then some minutes of silence follow, and eventually it can be that he's getting kind of distant/ reserved or even a bit rude (when giving answers). Then he somehow transforms into something like a "time bomb" - The moments I am so afraid of.
It happened a few times that he told me how much he loves me, holding me tightly and so on, and then he suddenly let go of me and got very frustrated and bad-tempered. Once he justified that behaviour by referring to a "reminder" - so there was something popping up his head that reminded him of how bad I am/ of my lies. But it's so strange, and quite often I've got the feeling that he's got those two faces.

I remember once we had a party, about 10 friends were over, we were singing karaoke, and my boyfriend wrestled with a very good friend of his, just for fun, since he's kind of a professional in these fighting-things. And for some reason at some point his mood changed from "super happy" to "super angry". I think the actual reason was that his friend held him somehow incorrectly when wrestling, but that friend apologized maybe ten times as he hadn't done that on purpose. That friend felt horribly bad and said "sorry" again and again, looking my boyfriend in the eye. But there was no chance to help the situation. My boyfriend threw everyone out of his apartment except me, listened to the music at high volume, threw a bottle against the wall, and after he had cut his arm he finally fell asleep downstairs on the sofa. The next morning I left when he was still asleep, and in the afternoon he sent a message like "I'm sorry, I had a crappy day at work plus too much alcohol". I think that was the only time he didn't blame me and my lies for his extreme behaviour.

Why is he like that? How can his mood change so drastically so that I even feel/think he's got two faces? I know he was depressed in his past, and started hurting himself in his late teenage-years. The last 3 years he didn't hurt himself at all, but started doing it again because of me.. He says he's depressed because of me. But isn't this far beyond depression?

Originally Posted by ThousandMiles

Thank you Trippin, thank you riotgrrrl!
Puuh, at this point I feel totally numb and helpless. Your opinions sound logical and I seriously put trust in your words. Now I have to think about how to move on, what to do next.. 1/And somehow I feel like retelling the whole story again because it's so unbelievable that you do not blame me.. I'm like "Did I make them understand correctly? Did they really get the whole thing?" Thank you so much for your support!
I know I love him, and I also know that love only cannot be enough to make things work. I want to be with him, and I don't want to give up on him.
Yesterday and today, everything between him and me went fine, even though I noticed those slight mood changes. He can be laughing and happy, making jokes and so on, then some minutes of silence follow, and eventually it can be that he's getting kind of distant/ reserved or even a bit rude (when giving answers). 2/ Then he somehow transforms into something like a "time bomb" - The moments I am so afraid of.
It happened a few times that he told me how much he loves me, holding me tightly and so on, and then he suddenly let go of me and got very frustrated and bad-tempered. 3/Once he justified that behaviour by referring to a "reminder" - so there was something popping up his head that reminded him of how bad I am/ of my lies. But it's so strange, and quite often I've got the feeling that he's got those two faces.

I remember once we had a party, about 10 friends were over, we were singing karaoke, and my boyfriend wrestled with a very good friend of his, just for fun, since he's kind of a professional in these fighting-things. And for some reason at some point his mood changed from "super happy" to "super angry". I think the actual reason was that his friend held him somehow incorrectly when wrestling, but that friend apologized maybe ten times as he hadn't done that on purpose. 4/That friend felt horribly bad and said "sorry" again and again, looking my boyfriend in the eye. But there was no chance to help the situation. My boyfriend threw everyone out of his apartment except me, listened to the music at high volume, threw a bottle against the wall, and after he had cut his arm he finally fell asleep downstairs on the sofa. The next morning I left when he was still asleep, and in the afternoon he sent a message like "I'm sorry, I had a crappy day at work plus too much alcohol". I think that was the only time he didn't blame me and my lies for his extreme behaviour.

5/Why is he like that? How can his mood change so drastically so that I even feel/think he's got two faces? I know he was depressed in his past, and started hurting himself in his late teenage-years. The last 3 years he didn't hurt himself at all, 6/but started doing it again because of me.. He says he's depressed because of me. But isn't this far beyond depression?

Hiya

I'll try and go through your points, the best I can, hope ok.

1/Simply put, you're not to blame. Your boyfriend tells you you are, and you've now become to think that way. He has used your 'nice girl' nature and twisted it and made you believe you are to blame. Very wrong.

2/You may love him, but I dont think he understands love. I am not belittling what he says to you, but love is kindness, trust, understanding, being safe, and forgiveness. Love is feeling those things all of the time. Love isn't living with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, not knowing what is around the corner, and in your own words 'those are the moments I am so afraid of'.

3/ I'll say it again. You told a white lie, to spare his feelings. A lie you only said because he forced you into by talking about past loves. This by its very nature is NO BIG THING. Please see the above post about love being about forgiveness. He should forgive you for your mistake and move on- not use it as an excuse to treat you bad. The man is manipulating you.

4/ So much in this. No forgiveness of his really good friend for an honest error, holding him wrong in a fight.. Childish tantrum by throwing everyone out. Control. Then later on not taking any responsibility for his anger, by blaming it on a bad day at work & drink. Blamed everything but himself for his own actions. This is a huge sign that the man needs therapy and will never change until he takes some responsibility for his own ways. Everyone has a bad day at work from time to time, and they dont act this way. And anyone who behaves this way by drinking too much has a big problem with drink and should get help. Denial all the way.

5/ I have no idea why he is like that. He needs professional help to diagnose him. He could have a mental illness, it could be down to too much drink or he could just be a manipulator. I am not qualified, but I do recognise a bad situation when I see one.

6/He is depressed because of you? Then to make him better you should leave him. OK, being flippant to you now. But if you can not see how much of this is manipulating you, making you stay, making you feel guilty, making you think that if you changed your ways to do everything that HE wants, then you may actually help him then I dont know what else to say to you. He will use blame, fear, threats of self-harm to make you do what he wants you to do, until there is little of the old, kind and lovely you left. At best this man is mentally ill, at worse he is an abuser. Either way he will not be good for you in the long run, and you may actually end up being a victim.

I'll go now, but please, look after yourself. I agree with previous post, run away from this man until he at least agrees to get some help. If he loved you like he said he says, he would go and get some help to save your relationship instead of blaming all of his behaviour on you. Bottom line.

Take good care and I hope you see this man for what he is soon. You have told us about him and I think you already know. x

[likewater]

Uh, Thousand Miles, you just described a very volatile, emotionally abusive relationship with your bfriend. I'm very afraid for you. His violence right now is directed at himself or throwing bottles, but it can very easily turn toward you and most probably will.

[Harley47]

Hi Thousandmiles.

Thank you Riotgrrrl for your response. You posted exactly what I was going to. lol I'm pleased someone who's better with the HTML for the site beat me too it.

Riot is spot on...he is manipulating your nature (which if I may, I think chalks you up as a morally responsible young lady) into twisting HIS faults onto you. This is a hallmark of an abuse relationship...it's the hook. By making it "your fault," he keeps you wanting to stay around, to try to find a pattern of behavior that pleases him so he won't "have to be like this."

There is no such pattern of behavior Thousand...there's always going to be "something" that is "wrong." That's a sad truth for people like this.

You didn't do anything wrong! You didn't lie! He has NO right to question you as he did. I may be more forgiving of him had he asked something less personal about it, as I do understand that in this day and age, a small snippet of partner history might be beneficial to know. But he doesn't have the right to question you regarding how far you went with whoever. That's too much, and none of his business. It's foolish, petty, and disrespectful of your privacy as a person and your ability to make decisions as an adult woman. Don't for a moment believe this is because you "lied." Your "lie" doesn't make him as he is. He is as he is due to him, and whatever illness he may have. While I wish him all the best in bettering himself and getting out of the rut of whatever it may be, you deserve better than to be the outlet for his frustrations in this.

You are still in my prayers Thousandmiles, and I wish you all the best.

God bless,
Harley

[Odee]

Thousand Miles:

Lying isn't cool. Demanding the answer to extremely personal questions, especially in a new relationship, isn't cool either. He didn't have the right to pry into your personal life so soon. You didn't destroy anything by withholding information that he wasn't entitled to know. You did not "poison" the relationship or sin against your very own sweet nature by fibbing.

You didn't do anything any other kind hearted individual would not do. You are not to blame.
Everyone else here is trying to explain this to you --- get it in your head!!!

This isn't your fault.
This isn't your fault.
This isn't your fault.
You are not to blame.
You are not to blame.

[Odee]

About Anti-depressants:

Yes, Antidepressant therapy is a viable option and may potentially by a life changing one. Your BF is obviously "ill" and illness demands treatment. I think that your first step is getting a clear perspective on your influence in this debacle -- such as where your responsibility ends and his begins -- before seeking treatment.

There are many reasons why your BF may not have found AD's helpful in the past:
1.) He may not have given a particular AD a long enough trial. AD's can take 4-6 weeks to begin seeing improvement, and then several weeks, maybe months, more to really get the full effect .
2.) The dose was not high enough. This can make the time it takes from beginning a medication to receiving the full benefit of it take even longer. Psychiatrists will often slowly increase the dose with the hope of hitting the lowest most effective dose.
3.) Patient Non-Compliance -- Also counts as quitting too early -- a lot of times individuals don't take then every day at the necessary time. Also, alcohol can often reverse the effects of ADs (They both alter the same moody brainy-bits aka Serotonin.)
3.) It wasn't the right stuff -- usually after one failed AD an individual will have the same chance of success with another. Sometimes a third is tried, and if that doesn't work, often two or more meds are needed to hit all the right targets or often another class entirely can be used for great results. (I have never done well on an AD, I am finally feeling better on a Mood Stabilizer.)
AD's are only 30% sucessful in terms of full remission, but there's about a 70% chance of either remission or what is known as response -- which is a 50% or more decrease in symptoms. Even if your BF only 'responds', that's still significantly closer towards leveling out the extreme dips and hopefully bringing to light his behaviors.

For me, I believe meds can be extremely helpful and are the solution for a lot of us. However, meds will do nothing without self awareness -- we need to be aware of what an illness does and doesn't do to us. Meds may change how you feel but they can't really change how you act or treat others.

I don't know how much better your BF can get with the mentality that he has. But meds are an option you both can explore and stick with together. If he agrees to take any route towards treatment, lavish him with the attention and affection he wants but for only doing the right thing -- complying with treatment, treating you the way you want to be treated, and fostering healthy habits, etc....

[likewater]

Thousand miles, I have been in a very abusive relationship. I lied at times to avoid explosions. Your bfriend is bullying you, intimidating you, and demanding to know intimate detsils thst are none of hid business. The part where he twists everything and makes you guilty for his bad behavior is classic.

[ThousandMiles]

Hello everyone,

I have to apologize for having disappeared for so long..
All I can say is: I went through hell even several times. And I had no chance to log into this forum during that disastrous relationship which I got out of about 2-3 months ago.
I don't even have the words to thank you enough for your support back in October 2012. Your help meant so incredibly much to me, but unfortunately my ex "followed my traces" and found out about this forum. Maybe you can imagine his reactions.. He restricted my internet access, actually secured the access through passwords.
Anyway, I've thought about you several times, and I was so moved by your openness and understanding and support. This is why I am here today and writing down these lines.
I am back in my home country Germany now. I feel I cannot put into words what has happened. What it all has done to my soul, my "true me". Today I am a changed person, but I am about to get back on my feet. I should have listened to you all. I should have RUN back in October. But I stayed and got weaker and weaker from month to month..

Thank you everyone. THANK YOU.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm really glad to hear you are safe, a fresh start and a clean slate can do wonders for the soul