[Heartsick]

I'm a newbie, and after another sleepless night, I'm feeling like I'm completely unraveled now.

My husband, and I divorced in 2006, after 13 years of marriage. He served me with papers, and I reluctantly signed them so our two children (9 & 12 at the time) wouldn't have to go through the ordeal of divorcing parents, and court. He pretty much left everything 'as is', because he wanted as much normalcy, despite us being formally divorced. He got an apartment, but asked if he could move back into the home, where he felt comfortable, being with the kids, and me.

To this day, our family, and friends have no idea about our situation, because both my ex, and I tell each other we're embarrassed by our situation (the divorce). My mother passed away in 2010, never knowing I was divorced. He felt disrespected, unappreciated, and like I took things out on him. I admit to not being the easiest person to get along with all the time, and not showing appreciation, etc. He wrote me a note a few years after the divorce, on our anniversary date, to say he no longer was mad, but sad about going through with the divorce, even when I asked him to not go through with it, and work with me. He hoped one day we could talk about getting back together, and I was open to that.

I recently had that gut instinct that he's interested in some other woman from an old job. I've found an order for flowers, out of state hotel reservations, a t shirt he ordered for her, and of course the texting on his phone. He works out of state, and comes home every other weekend. After the divorce, I had no interest in looking for someone new, and still don't. He was the one man I fell in love with, and wanted to be with. This has hit me as if we were still a couple, and I find out he's cheating. Our daughter graduates from high school in two years. I don't know if I can, or should go along with our usual routine, as a family. I think I caught him off guard when I brought up my suspicions of another woman, and he said he doesn't have time for that. He bought a Pontiac sportscar, and asked the kids to not tell me. What kind of thinking is that?
I'm not sure how long his 'other life' has been going on, I'm not sure if it's a mid life crisis (he's 47). Aside from our divorce 7 years ago, we've pretty much lived as a "normal" family. Confusion, hurt, and anger, are balled up in me now. He's coming home this weekend, thinking I'm going to grill him. I just want to hear it from him what he's really wanting at this stage in our life. He says he has to think about it. I'm not sure if reconciling is even an option now.
I would love to hear thoughts about this. This month long fog is zapping away at me. Thank you for listening.

[gayleggg]

During this time after the divorce, have you two been having sex with each other? If so, I would get tested for STDs if you really believe he has been unfaithful. If not, if the two of you have been sleeping separately, then I wouldn't be as surprised at him looking and finding someone else. Since he is gone most of the time, it leaves him open for such situations to develop. That doesn't make it right. I can understand your hurt and anger about finding out about this. You two need to sit down and have an honest conversation. You have to decide for yourself if you can forgive, if he wants to work it out with you. You might should consider marriage counseling for the two of you or therapy for just yourself. I wish you luck with this very complicated situation.

[Heartsick]

Hi gayleggg, thank you for responding. We haven't had sexual relations in years, personally, I felt if I wasn't married to him, I was not interested in having sex with him. I guess I'm surprised he's gone this route of actions recently since he has told the kids marriage was a one time only deal for him. Upon me bringing up his possible interest in another woman, of course he denied it. Our son is working in the same area, and shares an apartment with him during the week. They both come home on weekends, and holidays. I've told him I'd like to talk, not argue when he comes home this weekend, his thinking I'm going to grill him of course doesn't help his case IMO. I'm trying to play along, I can see him squirm, just wanting him to come clean, so we can decide what to do next for everyones best interest. Ugh, what I would do for some Trazodone, and Effexor again

Makes me question what, and how much his "friend" knows about our family situation. I've thought about letting him, and her know I've found out about their "friendship", but am trying to wait until he decides to fess up. The title of my thread sums it up, the divorce was a low point for sure, but finding this latest stuff out feels just as bad, if not worse.