amazed that i can talk to my ex and totally get along

so I was dating a very lovely lady but until a few months ago but a lot of things were going on in my life and I started wondering if even though I love this girl with all my heart.

was it really and truly what I wanted and was it going to make me fully happy.

its an odd thing cause I can't really talk about this to my close friends or at least to some of them cause they would automatically think I was trying to go back to her and re kindle the relationship.

And I guess its easier for my friends to think she was taking advantage of me and that nither one of us really truly loved each other.

even though when we were together it was obvious to anyone around us that we were in love and even the person that would lie to my face that we arn't

at one point did say that we were. So in general with my personal life now I just keep some thing really private out of respect for myself and toward other people.
she basically heard from other friends of mine that i was not doing so well that I was really depressed and just had to check on me. Both of us have really bad depression, mixed rapid bipolar, and borderline personality disorder.
which makes us both highly emotional. But it was awfully touching that she contacted me out of concern.
after this me and her have actually started speaking again and although we are not dating anymore we are starting to re kindle our friendship together.

We are certainly two people that can not deny that when we say we love someone we truly mean it.
Just both of us have a bad track record when it comes to falling for the wrong kinds of people.

is it bad of me to say I am horrified to see her in person? I am afraid of the actual face to face contact of transferring from being romantic to not.
especially since I know the feeling I have for her are very much still there.

I can understand how you would be concerned about meeting face to face.