[zaindera]

Me and my wife are 38 years old and we got married 5 years ago. I am from the UK and she is from the
USA. We met through a dating site and got married in 2008. Living in the UK was agreed upon as my
wife found me in the UK on the site and insisted on wanting to live in the UK. She had left home at
18 and went to study and for some reason was still a student at age 31 when we met - she has a number
of degrees - I should have found that weird as most people have worked for years at that age but
brushed it off. She said she couldnt live with her parents as they were too strict.

We got married and shortly after my father got diagnosed with a terminal illness and I lost my very
well paid job. We lived with parents (indian so cultural to do so) and we had agreed to live with
my parents as house was big enough and we did our own things anyway. After father passed away I decided
to do own work which led to a loss of savings as we were ripped off and wife did not blame me at all.

Anyway, during the stressful time when I had just lost everything, my wife decided to visit her
parents in the States for 3 months (Jan 2011) and only gave me a couple of weeks notice before going
- she said her father had been diagnosed with Parkinsons and she wanted to spend time with him - albeit
to this day at the age of 72 he is still working and going strong. No one in my family could understand
her actions for leaving me for 3 months at that time.

When she came back she said she was unhappy here and wanted us to move to the States. Before getting
married she said she was unhappy in the States and wanted to move here! She said she missed her family
and friends. So we went to the States in November 2011 for 3 months to visit and see - and this is when
I saw a side of my wife I had never seen before. She spent all her time with her parents and her sister
and sisters husband. I felt secondary and lonely and told her so. Her sister has a reputation for
being mean and constantly said the worst things to me and my wife at no point told her to stop. In fact,
when I stood up for myself my wife would publicly take her sisters side.In hindsight, I should have
had some self respect and came back to the UK, but I didnt.

We came back to the UK and she left for the States again in April 2012 for 3 months and only gave me a
weeks notice (she said it was her dads 70th birthday). My family and friends were telling me to stop
being a mug and chasing after her. She said it was reasonable behaviour on her part. I found out that
she planned on going back for another 3 months even before we went to the States together in Nov 2011
but never told me at all - and I felt such a fool as I was making plans for the summer etc.

She came back and I said if she ever did that again that we would be over. I got myself back at work
at this point in a very well paid job so money was not an issue. Anyway in May this year she did the
same again and left for 4 months and only gave me a weeks notice. This time it was a week before our
5th anniversary and said she needed to leave to help her parents. Her mum is 68 and still works
through choice and her dad is 72 and still works. Her sister lives nearby but refuses to help. My wife
said that her father needed physiotherapy and had no one to take him as he cant now drive. Her parents
live in a massive house and dont need to work - but her mother couldnt stop working to help out and my
wife went 4000 miles to help.

Now she is due back at the end of the month and my family and friends keep telling me that I am a mug -
and I have to realise my marriage is over. Wife is now saying she made a mistake - but this was for
the fourth time - and I think she will do it again. My other issues with her are as follows:

a) She doesnt commit to a job as she thinks she needs to keep going back to the States!
b) She doesnt want kids for same reason.
c) She has no ambition whatsover despite having so many degrees and qualifications - she lives
day to day and does not think about about the future.
d) She now says she will have a kid if we bought our own house - she wants a 4 bedroom house in
a good area and we will need about £150k to start off with - she seems to think that she can save
her half in a years of working - living in cuckooland!
e) Family and friends say if I have a kid with her she will leave and my life will be ruined as she
is not trustworthy.
f) She already said that after baby is born she would like to spend a couple of months at her
parents - I said what about me spending time with the baby but she doesnt understand that.
g) Whichever way I look at our future, it is not good - she has no loyalty, she leaves without
much notice and for long periods of time, has no ambition whatsover and I feel like I have no
ambition when she is around and we live day to day.
h) Her parents and her sister and sisters husband will always come before me. She does everything
they say and cant say no. Her sister wont even allow her to talk to me on the phone when she is
around saying that she needs her time (wifes friends hate her sister and say she is too demanding
and try not to go out with wife if her sister is there).
i) In 5 years she has only made one friend (my friends wife) and does not make an effort. I try to
force her to learn to drive in the UK but she isnt bothered. She spends her day watching tv and
on the net.

I am scared of being on my own in the future and not being a dad. Family and friends are saying
that I would never know where I stand with her and that would be no different and have warned me
not to have kids with her. She said her parents will retire soon and come and stay with us for
months at a time and her mother will move in with us after her father passes away. I dont like her
parents as they are always criticising and totally dont get on with her mother.

I have to be smart enough to realise that my marriage is over, despite wife being all sweet and
acting like a victim as she realises that life without a husband and me would be hard. She is a
nice hearted person but is so naeive and does not know what living a life involves - her family
take so much advantage of her (we got over $10k in wedding cheques and she gave all that to
her family and came to the UK with nothing but debt for example).

Can I please get some advice - what would you do?

[Travelinglady]

I think she is still having mixed feelings about her loyalty to her family and is getting pulled back there. I am thinking as her parents get older and really are getting feeble, she might insist on looking after them all the time. I recall that traditional marriage vows say "forsaking all others." I think you should be first in her life at this point. It concerns me that she takes their side, and you get ignored when you are with them.

I don't intend to cause you any hurt, but it could be that you came along when she was annoyed with her parents, and she saw you as a way to escape them. Now she is not annoyed, so she wants to be with them more.

Have you considered asking her about getting marriage counseling? It would be nice to give it one more chance.

However, I do think if things don't change, then you will be more and more miserable. She can't seem to really commit to you and to the idea of being married. That's my opinion, anyway.

[zaindera]

Thank you payne1. It's too funny that you say that I came along when she was annoyed with her parents - as it has long been my theory that she was annoyed with her sister who lived across the road to her with her boyfriend and only let my wife in her life when her bf was away on business etc and my wife used to feel bad. I also think that as her parents get feeble, she will be gone no matter what and that is a risk too much for me. The problem with counselling is that she has to come back to the UK for that and it would be hard to go through all this again, last year when she left I made myself sick and got a blood clot and this year I got BP and am on blood pressure meds. I can live without her maybe, but would find it hard her leaving again like she has come accustom to.

Any opinions?