[purplemystery]

My mother has always mystified me. She is very uncomfortable showing her emotions, to the point where she has never said "I love you" to me, and my father sometimes forces her to say it to him. As I got older, I learned that she was different from other mothers by watching the way that mothers and daughters joked around or hugged one another. She would be uncomfortable showing affection in this way, and I have so rarely been offered any emotional support from her or been given any pearls of wisdom. She is very sensitive to the smallest of criticisms, and I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her, trying not to offend her. My father doesn't treat her right, and she lets him walk all over for her, serving him and bending to his every will constantly. She will never stand up for herself when he talks down to her (he is mildly emotionally abusive), and it kills me to watch. I also know virtually nothing about her life, as she never tells me stories about her childhood or expresses any opinions. She is extremely private in that way, and sometimes I feel like she barely has a personality because she doesn't really have any interests (or at least not that I know of).

I have always assumed that my mother had an anxiety disorder, and was angry at her for not caring enough about her kids to support them emotionally or share who she is. Yet she is never cold or rude to me; she is always pleasant and polite, but her niceness feels like a persona and I can't see the real her. For my whole life I have wished I could know why she is the way she is, if maybe something traumatic had happened to her when she was younger. But she has a good relationship with her parents and visits them every weekend. Recently someone suggested that my mother may have Asperger's, something that I had never before considered, and when I heard this it was like everything suddenly clicked and made sense. I would like someone's opinion because I'm not sure if I am reading too much into everything.

My brother has PDD-NOS, so maybe there is a genetic basis for spectrum disorders in my family. My mom also has various social problems: she is very quiet, she invades everyone's personal bubble and gets very close to them when speaking, she stares at people sometimes, she doesn't always answer or understand the question you asked, and she takes a long pause when formulating a response to a question. However, to anyone from the outside it wouldn't be apparent that she had an ASD, and if she does she is only mildly affected.

I am worried partially because she was my female role model as I was growing up; she showed me how to behave socially. I am a very shy person, and my self-esteem is extremely low. I know that I am much better than her socially, and when I get comfortable with people, I can open up and show myself. But it takes a LONG time for that to happen, and sometimes I withdraw without meaning to. Sometimes when I see the way others interact with each other, I worry that I didn't learn a healthy and fulfilling way to relate to others. How am I supposed to change that? Is it enough to observe others when I've been watching her for 21 years? Where do I go from here? Thank you for reading!

[kaliope]

Only a therapist would be able to diagnose your mother, but I can see your worry. I too was withdrawn from my children as you describe but it was the result of ptsd and I had a difficult time establishing relationships as a result of that. I felt bad about it, but it was just something I was unable to do. All you can do is worry about yourself and the effect it has had on you socially. Find yourself a good counselor to work on your social skills to improve them since you didn't have such a good role model. There are ways to learn the things you missed out on in childhood. good luck.

[purplemystery]

You're right kaliope, and I wish that I could just know, but I will never know for sure because she would never see a psychiatrist, nor would I ever suggest that she should. Thank you for sharing your story. It helped me to see things from a different perspective. It could be any number of things that are influencing her to be this way. I understand that it's not her fault or my fault for the way that things are; it is a part of whatever condition she has. I just wonder what she thinks... she has to see that she doesn't experience relationships in a traditional way. She has even apologized to me before for not showing me enough love, though she never tried to change that. If she has never had a traumatic experience, I wonder if she has ever thought about why she is so emotionally closed off.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I am worried partially because she was my female role model as I was growing up; she showed me how to behave socially. I am a very shy person, and my self-esteem is extremely low. I know that I am much better than her socially, and when I get comfortable with people, I can open up and show myself. But it takes a LONG time for that to happen, and sometimes I withdraw without meaning to. Sometimes when I see the way others interact with each other, I worry that I didn't learn a healthy and fulfilling way to relate to others. How am I supposed to change that? Is it enough to observe others when I've been watching her for 21 years? Where do I go from here? Thank you for reading!

Definitely observe others. Observe people whom you like. Imitate their body language, gesturing, smiling, etc.

the most important thing is that you seem to be able to derive pleasure from social interactions. So while you might have been through some unfortunatelrole modeling, at the core you do not seem to have socialization issues. With some more work, you should be OK.

[purplemystery]

Thanks hamster-bamster. The good news is that I have improved a lot throughout high school and my first few years of college. It has taken a lot of effort, and I have found some people that I would like to be like. A weird thing about me that I'm just realizing may be linked to this is that I tend to idolize/idealize certain people. I think it's because I need to look up to someone to integrate the healthy parts of their personality into my own. The bad news is that I have yet to change my inner beliefs. I can't quite put it into words, but I believe things about myself, others, and life in general that hurt me socially.

Anyway, thank you for your input. It gave me hope that you think I don't have socialization issues at my core.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Thanks hamster-bamster. The good news is that I have improved a lot throughout high school and my first few years of college. It has taken a lot of effort, and I have found some people that I would like to be like. A weird thing about me that I'm just realizing may be linked to this is that I tend to idolize/idealize certain people. I think it's because I need to look up to someone to integrate the healthy parts of their personality into my own. The bad news is that I have yet to change my inner beliefs. I can't quite put it into words, but I believe things about myself, others, and life in general that hurt me socially.

Anyway, thank you for your input. It gave me hope that you think I don't have socialization issues at my core.

You seem to be well on your way towards successful self-identification, but it will take time. This process takes time, and cannot be accelerated.

[hamster-bamster]

Purplemystery,

I used to have a colleague who never smiled. But not because she was mean - she was just taking everything very seriously, it seemed to me.

Then I talked about her with my current partner, because I was planning to meet her for lunch after being out of touch for years.

My partner's younger brother is suspected to have Asperger's Syndrome.

So my partner suggested that my former colleague might simply have Asperger's Syndrome.

I then went to meet her for lunch. As before, she is not at all mean, but she still never smiles - she takes everything seriously. I watched her facial expressions and gesturing and concluded that he might indeed be right - she might be on the autistic spectrum. Basically, what strikes as odd is the lack of consistency between her facial expressions/gesturing and the content of her speech. It is hard to describe, but surely it is unusual.

To the extent that you might have had some unfortunate role modeling done to you, try to make sure that when you communicate with people, you are consistent - your voice, facial expressions, and gesturing should all work in concert to convey your message and attitude.

Maybe even practice in front of a mirror!

Originally Posted by purplemystery

You're right kaliope, and I wish that I could just know, but I will never know for sure because she would never see a psychiatrist, nor would I ever suggest that she should. Thank you for sharing your story. It helped me to see things from a different perspective. It could be any number of things that are influencing her to be this way. I understand that it's not her fault or my fault for the way that things are; it is a part of whatever condition she has. I just wonder what she thinks... she has to see that she doesn't experience relationships in a traditional way. She has even apologized to me before for not showing me enough love, though she never tried to change that. If she has never had a traumatic experience, I wonder if she has ever thought about why she is so emotionally closed off.

I think the statement in bold is more reflective of your feelings towards the situation. You're having to come to terms with the fact the relationship between you both isn't what you would like and probably never will be. This is pretty devastating. But it is recoverable.

Perhaps your mums issues are being compounded by your frustration? I would back off to be honest - reaffirm to her that you love her and will always be there to care and support her but focus as much as you can on your own life now. This issue clearly affected your childhood so i would work on coping with those feelings - but creating a strategy for how best to move on with your life now is also important.

It's a sad reality that sometimes, relationships with those we should theoretically be closest too - just aren't 'functional.' I feel your pain because i had similar problems with my Mother. Nothing takes away the pain you feel for them and because of them, BUT with the right encouragement you can maintain other aspects of your life that are meaningful and rewarding.

I guess it's daunting to think that when we can't change others we must adjust our outlook instead. I think the latter is more worthwhile though. Good luck.

[purplemystery]

I'm very sorry if my post offended anyone in any way. I am trying to understand my mother, as it has been a source of great sadness for me throughout my life because my relationship with my mother is not very close. She is a great person, and so I am especially trying to process my feelings and figure out why our relationship is the way that it is.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

To the extent that you might have had some unfortunate role modeling done to you, try to make sure that when you communicate with people, you are consistent - your voice, facial expressions, and gesturing should all work in concert to convey your message and attitude.

Maybe even practice in front of a mirror!

Thank you hamster-bamster, that is a good tip. I have found that when I practice things ahead of time, even if I just think of conversation topics, it tends to go better. I hadn't thought of the mirror trick though, and it might be useful!

[purplemystery]

Thanks Spockette, I appreciate the insight. You're right that I am making it about my feelings, and our relationship is something that I need to work on coming to terms with. It is not something that can be fixed, so I need to let go of my wishes for what it could be. You helped me to see that my mindset is very stuck on the past/childhood, and I do need to be thinking more about the now.

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Thanks Spockette, I appreciate the insight. You're right that I am making it about my feelings, and our relationship is something that I need to work on coming to terms with. It is not something that can be fixed, so I need to let go of my wishes for what it could be. You helped me to see that my mindset is very stuck on the past/childhood, and I do need to be thinking more about the now.

It's funny as i'm actually in the opposite situation to you - both my brother and i have asperger's and i know how hard it is for my mum to accept the reality. She deals with it in the only way she knows how and whilst i don't agree with it - i respect her choices. Your feelings ARE important though, and you must recognize that too otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. What concerns me is that you might let this issue take greater importance then it deserves - if your mum won't seek help, you can only carry on being the wonderful daughter you are and hope that one day things will be better. Just don't get consumed by that hope or your dedication to the situation. You deserve to devote your attentions to your life just as much as you do to anyone else. Live long and prosper, friend.

[nushi]

purplemystery... though I don't know much about ASD, I can relate to you much...

Although my mother sometimes expresses feelings, but she rarely ever shows affection to me & my sisters & brother. My papa was the one who always hugged us & said he loves us (mama wouldn't also show affection to him much), but papa died, & though I feel sad I can't find an alternative source of affection & love in my mama, I feel more sad for my younger sisters & brother, 'cause they didn't get as much love from papa as I got before he died, as I'm the oldest one...

I always tell mama that she lacks the ability to give us emotional support; she admits this, but she sees life as so busy & practical & full of work to even try to get some counseling to give us what love we need. This affects me personally so bad, 'cause I always seem to seek love & affection from strange people, & I get used by others because of this, I even got sexually abused from someone because I sought fatherly affection from him!

But even if mama doesn't change, I know she tries to please us as much as her personality allows her to, she's doing her best, & when a very difficult situation happens (rare situations) she cries & tells us that she loves us so much, & at those rare occasions, I know this is how really mama feels for us, even though she doesn't show it...

[peaceseeker123]

Hello Purplemystery,
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm new to this forum and I'm not a professional in behavioral health. Your story really got my attention 'cos it sounds just like my own. I can see how much you care about your Mom in the tone and word choices in your writing. In your last paragraph, you sound concerned about the lack of role model in your life. This is exactly what I've been struggling with. One advice given to me by a therapist long time ago was "you are not your Mom even though sometimes you may think you are, whether you're aware of it or not." Having heard that, I suddenly became aware how much of my time on a daily basis I was thinking about my Mom and kept referring back to my childhood to find ways to cope. And all those comments from my dad saying "you're just like your mom and worse" are just setting me up for failure. My therapist had advised me that I "have a choice" to be the kind of parent like mine or do something different. Yes, I agree. I am an adult who can make choices for my life. I just need more help to figure out how.

I once heard a motivational speech about "sales" and "being street smart". In a sense, the speaker is a successful salesman without the opportunity of higher education. But he learns from people around him. He looks for something good in anyone he interacts with and learns from him/her. It makes sense to me. It's very difficult to do this myself though because of all the social anxiety I wrestle with. But I got to start at some point. It helps me when I become less focus on myself and more on others. It helps me to be less fear of people when I try to understand them more. It helps me to feel more uplifted when I think positive of others.

To end my comments, I need to say as much as I want to help my mother, I think it's important for me to "fix" myself first. For that I mean accepting myself and my mom that ways that we are. I need to walk away from her shadow, have a positive outlook in my life, feel I am capable of handling myself. Then I reach out to her in a caring way but not expect anything in return or she would change herself (at her age of 70+).