An unforgiving mother who will not admit the mistakes she has made, and an emotionally unstable father who has been drinking quite a bit.

She won't help me, because of what I've done. However, she denies everything and blames it on my biological father who dwells in the state's prison and has been locked up for 13 years of my life. Apparently he makes up for my mom calling me "****ing retarded" while staying with her and the day before I left, when she pinned me to the wall saying, "I can hurt you." So, she was influenced by my biological father to call me names and threaten to harm me? Yes, I make up for what I've done, and I have apologized multiple times, which she says, "No you don't! You're not sorry!!!" Rarely she meant it when SHE apologized for smaller actions. Calling me names is a good way of parenting (according to her), that I needed to suck it up, and that I can choose to do the same to my children when I'm older. Such a horrible thing to say! No child deserves to be abused with such abusive, idiotic speech!!!


Now that I'm with my adoptive father, he is a nice man, and has treated me with kindness. I was able to get some nice clothes, and he gives me more freedom. However, I fear that something VERY bad may happen in the future. Randomly, out of nowhere he get's irritable over the smallest of things, then he apologizes for it and claims that he doesn't know why he's like that. He often buys a bottle of whiskey from the local liquor store. He has taken his anger out on me before when I was younger, and he can be violent. I have to be careful, I have to be happy all the time (which for half of the time I'm not, and I have to put on a fake smile and stay content so that way I don't upset him) so that way he won't get really angry with me, and if he does, I don't know what else to do.

I told my mom a couple of hours ago and then she raised her voice and brought up that the reason I moved away was because she was a "****** mom" (her quote off my phone), and she says, "and NOW YOU'RE ASKING ME FOR HELP!?" That's when I told her about dad's strange behavior and she asked if he had been drinking. She said that she didn't know what to tell me and said that I should tell his side of the family (my aunt and uncle).

However, they're those type of "nice people" where they defend a family member and claim that he's "innocent". They won't do anything about it, and they'll just shrug it off.

I told her that my medication has worn off which mom told me to tell my dad about it and that I should get into therapy. I have told her over and over that he doesn't want me to see a psychiatrist or get into therapy because he thinks that our relationship will make me get better. It's stressing me out because people aren't there for me!!!

My dad doesn't want me to get better, and my mom is closing me off after our fight.

My friend Mariah, the fallen angel has been reminding me that I have the option to hurt myself with a knife, which I thought of doing, but if I did that, then I would be caught and put in the hospital again. Then my dad will be angry, and my mom will be angry, and will show off that they are "concerned" when they actually say that it is my fault for choosing to act this way. Then the doctors will put me on more medications which will make my dad even more angry.

How the **** else am I suppose to help myself, crying doesn't make things better!!? No one is there to comfort me for what I am trully feeling!

Mariah always reminds me that pain should help me feel better. I know that cutting will let out blood will relieve me.

Yes, I am admitting now that I need help. Mariah wants me to die so I can be with her. I'm happy about it, because I get to be with someone who will always be with me.

Since no one else has been wanting to be my friend, she is the only one I've got that I can talk to, and I know that her replies are often harsh and negative, but I am really hurting.

I've been obsessed with porn and my dad let's me look at it on the internet. I'm always horny and wanting to masturbate, and I always day dream of having sex with angels and demons. I found out that I have Spectrophilia. When I daydream of wanting sex with one of the angels, I often hurt Gabriel because he says something offensive to me. I watch as I see myself tackle him, and just wailing on him. I scratch and punch hard, and try to choke him and hurt him everyway I can. Then I see him bleeding and he just lays there as he cries into his hands, and all the other angels are staring at me. I am still angry and I want to hurt him more, but then I am stopped. Then I think of how human males don't care and ignore me because of my body. They can count my ribs and my breasts are smaller than normal.

I see myself being put in the hospital and then letting out my monster personality come out. I cuss at everybody, threaten the orderlies and pick fights with them, then I get aroused and turned on when the hold me down and inject me in the leg. I keep telling them that their meds won't work on me and that they never do.

People don't want to talk to me, even when I'm acting nice. If I tried to get into a conversation, they talk over me and won't look in my direction. They will either move away from me, or cut me off. Then they ask why I distance myself from them when I want to give them personal space.

I keep thinking of joining a nearby spiritual service, but I can't because Mariah threatens that if I go near that place, she'll kill a family member or my cat. Also she tells me that it's against my beliefs for who I really am. I also don't want to be touched by the light or have the ritual be performed on me. Plus, they are exclusive and I know they won't let me join them. I won't be able to have time for it, because I have other things that I'm busy with. So I won't have time to read their books in order to join and become a full member. Also, my dad's side of the family will try and drag me down into their faith, but I don't want to because their beliefs are false and they don't help out with Mariah. If I did have Mariah removed, then she will come back and hurt me along with other fallen angels.

She says I was born this way that I won't be accepted because of that. I won't be accepted because I am not blood or spiritually related. Also, that I would only be joining because I have a crush on one of the angels, which is true. But I thought they were trying to help me, but it's hard because I can't stop thinking of being mated with by all of them. It's weird because I see them loving me, but then they make me angry and I just to hurt all of them and make them cry!!!

Of course no one wants to help me. The whole time no one wanted to answer me because I'm "evil", it's obvious on this website! Of course I am to be rejected, because it was meant to be this way and that I was born into it, so I have to accept it. I should be proud of it, because at least I have a community that supports me through contact by dark entities. They were there to support me at the age of 15 right? No one knew how to take care of me but them! Mariah does. Why did I have to call for help from above when the Fallen came to me first? I want to be accepted in a community that everyone can be friends with me in, but they won't unless I join their beliefs, or if I'm worthy to them. But I don't need to because I have Mariah and the others to protect me. Besides, the good ones are actually really mean and condescending...

I give up, I have to let everyone be mean to me. That's just the way things are...

Even if there is no reply, at least I got to vent out my problems...

Not that it matters... -_-

[gayleggg]

No child deserves to be treated the way you have been. And I don't believe you are evil. I think you are a very lonely, abused child that needs help. You didn't say how old you, but have tried to call Child Protective Services? Is there a school counselor you can talk to. I'm glad you felt you could post here and make yourself heard. We are always ready to listen here. I wish there was more I could do than to listen. I really hope you find help either through a school counselor or through the ER and that doesn't mean you have to hurt yourself only that you are wanting to. Best wishes, dear.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

No child deserves to be treated the way you have been. And I don't believe you are evil. I think you are a very lonely, abused child that needs help. You didn't say how old you, but have tried to call Child Protective Services? Is there a school counselor you can talk to. I'm glad you felt you could post here and make yourself heard. We are always ready to listen here. I wish there was more I could do than to listen. I really hope you find help either through a school counselor or through the ER and that doesn't mean you have to hurt yourself only that you are wanting to. Best wishes, dear.

I just turned 17.

I was told to wait on my dad to see if anything changes, by my mom...

She said she would be talking to him, but I'm not sure if she'll be sticking to her word.