Getting along with my mother, I am an ACoA

Hello, this is my first time joining a forum. I have had some issues lately with my mom and because of them I have started doing a lot of research and have found that I have many of the characteristics of an ACoA (Adult Child of Alcoholism). This may be long but I appreciate those who will read it and give me some feedback. I am currently 34 years old. Am currently 8 months pregnant with twins, have a 7 year old daughter, and am widowed. My husband died 3 years ago from alcohol withdrawal at the age of 33. We had separated 2 years before he died because his drinking had gotten so bad and there was nothing I could do to help him. My mom is an alcoholic and I grew up in the bars, and in AA, and having men around all the time. I have one younger brother who is a year younger than me and we are not close at all. I moved out of my Mom's house the month I turned 18. And when I was 20 her and my brother decided to move to another state. As I mentioned before I am currently pregnant with twins, I was dating a guy and found out I was pregnant after we broke up. And he wants nothing to do with it, so I am doing this on my own. My mom and me have never had a strong relationship, we argue a lot and she is in constant denial that she has a drinking problem. Even though over the last 5 years she has gone into detox 3 times. After finding out I was pregnant with twins my mom decided to quit her job, sell her house and move to the city I live in. This happened about 3 months ago. And she bought a house 1 mile away. She is still drinking and we have gotten in a few fights already because of her behavior. We haven't been talking now for 2 weeks and for some reason it's always my fault. After doing more research about alcoholism, seeing a counselor and reading about being an ACoA, I feel that I had repressed my feelings of angry of my childhood towards her for many years, as she didn't live close by and I didn't have to deal. Now that she is right around the corner I feel it is all coming out. My counselor has expressed that I am constantly hoping for her to be a mother I needed, and I need to accept that she will never be. I understand this. As I also understand that I need to give and be firm with boundaries that I feel are healthy. In the time that she has been here she has shown up to my house hung over and throwing up, has accused my 7 year old daughter of lying to her, has told me she isn't willing to help me unless it is her way, and many other things that are not acceptable to me. I want nothing more than to have a healthy relationship with my mom. But I don't see that happening. And for some reason I feel guilty for having to distance her from my life. I don't feel safe having her around my children because of her behaviors and her drinking. Which she denies is a problem. What should I do? How do I get over the anger? How do I have a healthy relationship with her or should I accept the fact that wont ever be? How do I not feel guilty for not wanting her and her behavior around my children? And how do I talk to her about all these things? I tried to bring up her drinking problem and she said I was making things up in my head. :-( Thank you.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central! I can tell you from experience that accepting that a mom can never truly be the mom she needs to be is very hard. Perhaps as you stay in therapy, you will eventually be able to accept that and deal with your anger.

Just try to keep in mind you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your current and future children. I found the book Toxic Parents to be helpful in coming to terms with matters.

You might not really be ever able to reason with your mother. It sounds like she lives in the state of denial