[WaningMoon]

Well, if I'm 26 and I haven't been able to be in a relatipnship my problem has to be big.

I think it's because the distorted idea I have about relatipnships and sexuality. I'll try to make it short...

I dno't like the way I am when I'm 'dating' someone. I become quiet (more), I don't talk, I don't give opinions, like I am not, like I am not part of the relatipnship, like I am an accesory of the relatipnship. I just follow the other person's desires. I don't propose. It's like I am a thing, an accesory. I don't like feeling that way.

I don't know why I do that, but I find disturbing some things people find normal. When someone says: "I married my best friend", "she's my girlfriend, my best friend", I'm like, really? Can you be friends? Isn't that boring? I don't know why I feel it's boring, or maybe in my concept of being "friends" is what I saw in y family: dad and mom critizizing each other everyday.

Other thing is like the guy is always mad ad me. When my friends post pictures or status on Facebook and tag their boyfriends, I'm like: "Why do they do that? He's going to get mad ad her." Like he doesn't like to interact with her, he desn't want her to bother him, she's just beign annoying.

Like it's a relatipnshpi where they don't trust each other, it's alwas aggresive, not physically but emotionally...

Sexually is the same, I think about two things: when you have sex with someone and you are all shy because you are going to be with someone and that someone knows how you feel and does nothing to make you feel good and he makes fun on you in his mind. When you let someone see you naked, that person starts seing you differently, like he sees you like you are an object or something. The fact of showing your body, and the things they said, or the positions or the sounds or everything is just something to be ashamed of. It's embarrasing, how can you pretend you are a good person after that? Like if you used drugs or something and next day you feel embarrased. Like it's something perv or I don't know.

That's how I feel and the few times I've tried to date someone I feel this way and I don't like it. I know it's not truth, it's not the right thing and prob it's because of the relatipnship of my parents, but I can't help feeling this way.

So, if anyone has something to say, to recommend me a book or something, I'll appreciate it so much.

Thank you.

[manwithnofriends]

Btw... It's relatiOnship. And no, I wouldn't judge you based on it.

If you do not want to be in a relationship either just don't agree to be in one, or overcome your fears by taking it slow with an intent to mature. I used to have some of the feelings you described (like- how can you feel like a good person afterwards etc.) and the reason behind that for myself was fear and guilt related to abuse in childhood and the belief system that I was born into. As time goes on though, you will grow past this if you work on it. Perhaps you SHOULD actually be friends beforehand lol, you would at least know the person well enough to make a sound decision and be able to gauge their personality and character enough to know they would not mock or condemn you for being with them.

[WaningMoon]

Originally Posted by Lightbulb7Seven

If you do not want to be in a relationship either just don't agree to be in one, or overcome your fears by taking it slow with an intent to mature. I used to have some of the feelings you described (like- how can you feel like a good person afterwards etc.) and the reason behind that for myself was fear and guilt related to abuse in childhood and the belief system that I was born into. As time goes on though, you will grow past this if you work on it. Perhaps you SHOULD actually be friends beforehand lol, you would at least know the person well enough to make a sound decision and be able to gauge their personality and character enough to know they would not mock or condemn you for being with them.

Hello Lightbulb, thank you so much for commenting my story

That's what I want to try, I'm terrified about it and sometimes I feel like, I don't want to miss another oportunity, I want to try it and be different. But the oportunity just doesn't come, I haven't known anyone n the last two years. About the belief system, this is one of the strngest thing I've tried to break or to know which believes are minre and which aren't. It's being to hard but I think I'm doing it good, I'd like to go faster and be fine once and for all :s but it doesn't work that way.

I'm happy you could find the reason why you felt that way and I hope you overcome it and have a healthy life