[HockingPastryChef]

Hi PC peoples,

I have an issue with my parents. My mom she can be rather aggressive and manipulative to my dad. I've talked to her about talking about with the family on how we need to separate the chores so she doesn't have to do so much and she says she is too afraid to ask; yet she yells at my dad about things he doesn't do.

I have talked to her a little bit about how I don't like her yelling. She said that my dad had agreed on that she needs to yell at him to do things. All I see is that he shuts down when she gets hostile around him and he yells back then.

Today she was yelling about how the house looks terrible and that he is plain lazy. Nothing gets done around here and that he never cleans up after himself. My thoughts: "Words that should not slip from the mouth." He yelled back to shut up and to go into the living room.

I admit my dad doesn't do too much around the house; there is more he can do just like others around the house too. (Including me) I have even discussed that with her and she says she is fine but blames my dad due to his laziness. My dad is rather negative and I feel it could have something to do with my moms yelling and plus other issues of course.

I am thinking of coming up with a better discussion with my mom about the behavior I see. I know she'll say by her yelling is fine; WHEN IT IS NOT.

I guess bring up on how is yelling ok. And discuss on being more assertive around him; DO NOT USE "YOU" STATEMENTS.

She could of waited to calm down and say: Hey hun, I understand that I talk about this quite a bit... (firmer yet) Though, I do not like how it looks around here. I feel frustrated when I see you watching the tv quite a bit and work isn't getting done around the house. I want (all the little tasks she wants done.) Then later on her and I can discuss with the family on other tasks that can be separated so she doesn't have to do so much.

I can even later on talk to my dad about things too. He can be manipulative too.

My parents yell too much. I had even tried helping out a couple weeks ago because I was getting irritated being trapped in a car with them two yelling. I even started saying calmly: Hey, I do not like this yelling, I feel uncomfortable here how about I help. Then they both yelled back at me saying you are being brat; you "never should interfere with others issues.' My thoughts: I am fine, I was being assertive in trying to find a solution to the problem. After they said that I even said all I'm trying to do is help.

Later my mom said no wonder they get angry at you at work if you behave that way at work interfering with conflict. My thoughts again: My mom doesn't understand kindness and solving conflicts apparently if that's what she thinks. <--(I think I may discuss that on a later basis with her)

Ok, enough of that... What are your thoughts upon this? I'm smiling now after I typed this. Yelling is childish. I do understand that feeling you get though when you are angry; you just feel like letting out frustrations. <-- That is why there is paper and pencils. Oh plus mantras and plus I admit I still do it myself sometimes.

[kaliope]

great job on trying to set a good example in using I statements in communicating needs. it sounds like you are being very patient with two people very set in their ways. I would say to continue what you are doing and lead by example. you are on the right track for conflict resolution. keep up the good work.

[HockingPastryChef]

Originally Posted by kaliope

great job on trying to set a good example in using I statements in communicating needs. it sounds like you are being very patient with two people very set in their ways. I would say to continue what you are doing and lead by example. you are on the right track for conflict resolution. keep up the good work.

Yes, my mom isn't that way around me that much. She can be more assertive around me. It's after she gets in an argument with my dad is when she behaves that way and it isn't right. It's that anger in her; she wants him to feel bad for her. :\

My dad doesn't seem to want to do much with the family anymore too; which I can tell frustrates my mom.

Thanks for your comments too!