[amanda f]

Hi to everyone and i just want to introduce myself to you all as i am new

I hope i have posted this in the right place as I really need to get this out of my system and head at the moment !! I am 47yrs old and am a single mother to my two wonderful children. We live in a nice comfortable home with our pets. I do feel proud of myself for all what i have achieved in providing my children with love and respect and hopefully a very happy home life

Now the nitty, gritty .... I dont understand or know how or why i suffered a fractured scull at 6wks old on actually be released then from the hospital for first time !!! It truly bothers me as i know i still have it. I remember vividly from the age of 2-3yrs old being cruelly treated by my then mother. Growing up with hate words being shouted and spat at and thumped and kicked and pulled around by my hair! Worst of all was the emotional abuse being told ' your not loved !! We hate you ! Nobody will ever like you !! You will end up in the gutter !!' Over and over again daily so to the point of myself became completely brainwashed by all of this....This was all carried out by my so called mother. Later on when i became a teenager my brother whom always could do no wrong began to then turn nasty with me and join in with their mad rages. My so called mother then turned my dad against me too so that i then suffered beatings and at times he tried strangling me at least twice and once my so called mother joined in !!

It was pure hell for me at home and i was a broken spirit because of them. Many times i tried running away from home from them. First time i remember i was 10..... each time i ran away for my life they found me and dragged me home for more punishment off them !!

When i finally was of the legal age to be able to get away from them they kicked and threw my belonging down the stairs along with myself and threw me out of the door !!!

I left for my life i was so scared i used to shake because of them.

Any how i want to say that i didnt end up in the gutter like they always said i would....lol

I managed to find places to live and i had a career and then eventually i achieved my dreams/goal to travel the world by working and living on a Cruise Ship.... I did this until i felt i really wanted to have children. Yes somebody that belonged to me!! I left this career to have many varied and interesting jobs afterwards but now living a civilian life. I did meet my partner then and we went on to have two children but sadly but rightly we couldnt be together anymore.

I have forgotten to mention that i had overheard my so called father shouting at my so called mother about me at the time and he was saying 'So what i am not the father !! I have always brought her up as my own !! and I am not going to let her beat me and you shouldnt cave into her about this !!'

I felt then straight away inside of me......the feelings of when somebody has just died and you are in shock still !!!

Of course when i tried to tell them i had heard everything i was screamed at by them that i had imagined it because they never said this at all !!! That yes i was in fact just going mad etc !!!

[anneo59]

Hi amanda, sorry you have had such pain. Hope PC will help you as it has me. You may be suffering but you are carrying on. There's a lot to be said for that!

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

I am so sorry that you lived through such a horrible childhood. Nobody should have to go through that and you should be very proud of yourself for being such a wonderful woman and mother. Welcome to PC!

[amanda f]

Originally Posted by anneo59

Hi amanda, sorry you have had such pain. Hope PC will help you as it has me. You may be suffering but you are carrying on. There's a lot to be said for that!

Hi anneo, i am so relieved you have replied to me because you have now given me a feeling of 'validation'....... yes you are right about i am carrying on with it. I truly want answers but sadly i will never be given them as nobody will actually ever speak to me again. This is the hardest part... not knowing why this happened to me.

I do really try to stay positive every day.....but i find this a huge huge battle for me as well.

How are you ? Im very glad that i stumbled upon this website !!

Amanda x

[amanda f]

Hi OCD, Thank you for your kind thoughts and for reminding me that nobody should have had to go through what i did. However, i have been brainwashed into thinking that i did deserve this but didnt know why ?

Obviously deep down i know i didnt deserve that but struggle with feelings that were put on me to feel this way ! Its very complicated i know.

I am new to all of this so i am a bit slow to say the least at the moment on here lol

Amanda x

[anneo59]

I'm on a good streak now, amanda. Suffered a bit of child abuse when young and first husband abused me as well as rape trauma in military, but it's all been a long time, and I've been doing well with it, though triggered now and then. I try to make the best of every moment and figure that it all made me stronger. You take care and hang in there. Thanks for writing me back!

[anneo59]

Hi Amanda, hope you still feeling as positive as possible. I have found that some time will either take care of reconciliation or acceptance, and even lack of knowledge, as you mentioned in your case. I'm good, myself. Sometimes seems that with my BP, I offend various folks in my life, off and on. Thankfully, most forgive and come back to me, but that hasn't always been the case. And I try to do the same for them, since I understand that no one is perfect. You be well, and I would love to hear from you sometime. Feel free! TTL!!!