for a grown man who is married to have his mother living with his wife and step kids?..especially knowing that not even "he can deal with her' but is in denial about it..seems to me he only keeps her around for "her money" which I find totally wrong..

[kaliope]

money is a strong motivator for relationships. there are lots of multigenerational families out there these days. it sounds like you are having difficulty accepting this one. maybe you could get him to go to counseling to make the relationship more agreeable. take care.

he doesn't see a problem with being dependent on her at the age of 51..and she allows it cause he is an "only son"

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by sick of it all

for a grown man who is married to have his mother living with his wife and step kids?..especially knowing that not even "he can deal with her' but is in denial about it..seems to me he only keeps her around for "her money" which I find totally wrong..

This revives some distant memories. wow...ok...(for what it's worth, touch a nerve, but with a smile on my face... probably, because I can appreciate the damage this can create))

No, it's not quite the norm, nor is it quite uncommon, either. Lots of homes, take in ageing parents, to their homes. You mention, money, yes, that can be just a part of the equation. There's perhaps, hidden dynamics, that lest you are part of the daily life of them, that even you, may not 'see.'

Guess, I'll have to share my story, to give some semblance of perspective. My late stepdad, mom's second husband....(involves two New England states)
He was a bit of a 'momma's boy'. First born son. First born child between stepdads mom and her second husband. They lived in state #2, but his mom was from state #1, originally. My mom met and married him, in state #1, my birthstate. A couple years, after my parents divorce, mom moved to state #2 with stepdad, to have their life(I was in custody of my dad, at that time).
Well, at some point, stepdad's parents moved to state #1. Where stepdad and my mom would go visit, weekly after stepdad's, father passed away suddenly after that move. At that point, I was already in State #2, my dad's birthstate. (still following)
I later half of high school moved in with my mom. And every, single weekend, we'd travel to state #1, to visit his mom. (was money exchanged, to help with bills? yes) Stepdad and his mom, spoke daily, she never recovered emotionally from the loss of her husband. Then, one year, I think, I was finishing up college, there was a big storm, she was failing in health, dememtia issues, and she ended up living with my mom, stepdad, and even myself, I was finishing up school, at the time. Talk about crowded.
With dementia issues, came really loud tv playing, and a bed set up in the living room, for her. I was exhausted, trying to work and commute, and that first year after graduation, working two jobs under that type of living condition.
Well...fast forward, to my stepdad, taking ill, and passing away. Then, she was moved back to state #1. To be closer to the other brothers and their families. And after she passed away, my mom came to realize that she'd been written out of the will, as the will rewrote to say only surviving children would receive a dime. Apparently, because the family said, that they'd received sooo much money. He had a lottery habit, and the phone bills between him and his mom were exorbitant.

Lesson, I learned. One, my mom, played nice too much. Don't give so much of yourself, to others, because you won't get it in return. And, I learned all about how well, I could pack a trunk, when I was the one that packed her belongings and said sayonara! I learned, that my mom, would practically turn her back on me, for becoming independent and moving into my own place, during all of this. (the part where her mother in law was living with her)

I get, that sometimes, people take in aging parents, and it's to help and caregive, but when it's about the almighty dollar, there's much to sort out in therapy and much to realize about the humanness of those around you. And I also realized, I never want any of my sons to become 'that' attached to me, as a parent.

Wrong or right, if it's rubbing you the wrong way, there's probably good reason...

Originally Posted by healingme4me

This revives some distant memories. wow...ok...(for what it's worth, touch a nerve, but with a smile on my face... probably, because I can appreciate the damage this can create))

No, it's not quite the norm, nor is it quite uncommon, either. Lots of homes, take in ageing parents, to their homes. You mention, money, yes, that can be just a part of the equation. There's perhaps, hidden dynamics, that lest you are part of the daily life of them, that even you, may not 'see.'

Guess, I'll have to share my story, to give some semblance of perspective. My late stepdad, mom's second husband....(involves two New England states)
He was a bit of a 'momma's boy'. First born son. First born child between stepdads mom and her second husband. They lived in state #2, but his mom was from state #1, originally. My mom met and married him, in state #1, my birthstate. A couple years, after my parents divorce, mom moved to state #2 with stepdad, to have their life(I was in custody of my dad, at that time).
Well, at some point, stepdad's parents moved to state #1. Where stepdad and my mom would go visit, weekly after stepdad's, father passed away suddenly after that move. At that point, I was already in State #2, my dad's birthstate. (still following)
I later half of high school moved in with my mom. And every, single weekend, we'd travel to state #1, to visit his mom. (was money exchanged, to help with bills? yes) Stepdad and his mom, spoke daily, she never recovered emotionally from the loss of her husband. Then, one year, I think, I was finishing up college, there was a big storm, she was failing in health, dememtia issues, and she ended up living with my mom, stepdad, and even myself, I was finishing up school, at the time. Talk about crowded.
With dementia issues, came really loud tv playing, and a bed set up in the living room, for her. I was exhausted, trying to work and commute, and that first year after graduation, working two jobs under that type of living condition.
Well...fast forward, to my stepdad, taking ill, and passing away. Then, she was moved back to state #1. To be closer to the other brothers and their families. And after she passed away, my mom came to realize that she'd been written out of the will, as the will rewrote to say only surviving children would receive a dime. Apparently, because the family said, that they'd received sooo much money. He had a lottery habit, and the phone bills between him and his mom were exorbitant.

Lesson, I learned. One, my mom, played nice too much. Don't give so much of yourself, to others, because you won't get it in return. And, I learned all about how well, I could pack a trunk, when I was the one that packed her belongings and said sayonara! I learned, that my mom, would practically turn her back on me, for becoming independent and moving into my own place, during all of this. (the part where her mother in law was living with her)

I get, that sometimes, people take in aging parents, and it's to help and caregive, but when it's about the almighty dollar, there's much to sort out in therapy and much to realize about the humanness of those around you. And I also realized, I never want any of my sons to become 'that' attached to me, as a parent.

Wrong or right, if it's rubbing you the wrong way, there's probably good reason...

For starters she is very narcissistic and admitted to me that her only son was a mistake and she would be the type to give her inheritance money to charity since she doesn't like the fact that he is married to me..

[healingme4me]

I'd err, to say, that my late step-grandmother, was also, narcissistic. I was very angry, at how my mom was treated, after my stepdad passed on. And it was one of those things, the more time I spent with her, the more I realized how she was a prime example of someone I didn't want to emulate, in life. I was fortunate, that my maternal grandmother, was further down the highway, and those weekends, I spent in that state, could be spent with my own grandmother, who is a positive, defining presence, in my life.

I only wish, my own mother, had realized this about her, the way, you sound, already aware of the nastiness, involved. How awful to say those things about her son and about giving the money away, in spite.

Originally Posted by kaliope

money is a strong motivator for relationships. there are lots of multigenerational families out there these days. it sounds like you are having difficulty accepting this one. maybe you could get him to go to counseling to make the relationship more agreeable. take care.

the first step would be to get him to accept "he has a problem"

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'd err, to say, that my late step-grandmother, was also, narcissistic. I was very angry, at how my mom was treated, after my stepdad passed on. And it was one of those things, the more time I spent with her, the more I realized how she was a prime example of someone I didn't want to emulate, in life. I was fortunate, that my maternal grandmother, was further down the highway, and those weekends, I spent in that state, could be spent with my own grandmother, who is a positive, defining presence, in my life.

I only wish, my own mother, had realized this about her, the way, you sound, already aware of the nastiness, involved. How awful to say those things about her son and about giving the money away, in spite.

a regular "scarlett ohara " I tell ya