[Confused1984]

Hey yall!
Just got off the phone with my mother and I'm absolutely livid! If you have one of those "lets go shopping, hair, nails omg I love you" relationships with your mother I applaud you and am very happy for you but this post is to know that I'm not alone in this. First, a lil mommy/daughter history...
My mother lost custody of me at 6 and I went to live with my father (he was a great dad god rest his soul) I spent every other weekend with her. Some whack therapist told her 25 years ago to not discipline me or set boundaries and to just "have fun" on our weekends. You can guess just from that how our relationship was into my teen years. When I was with her, I did what I wanted when I wanted and I didn't want to hear no lip about it! What teenager wouldn't right? Well it's had very negative effects. She just gave up parenting at all and as a result of that....we have no relationship at all not a functioning one anyway. She had a string of bad marriages with drunks, dead beats etc etc. just generally lost it.
Well I grew up of course, out of my rebellious stage into a pretty good member of society...college, marriage, babies and whatnot. Well it wasn't all rainbows and unicorns. My mother has never supported me physically or emotionally. She was absent when the kids and I went through the divorce. Making statements like "oh it happens" and "you'll be ok" never offering any help or kind words pretty much telling me to hurry up and get over it. Oh and don't get me started on how she'll go off the deep end everytime I parent in a matter she disagrees with. I call it "*****ing from the sidelines" you know the kind that wanna run the show but not put in the work? She thinks they shouldn't have rules...yeah we all know how well that works out. I've been called quite a few ugly words that I wouldn't even say to a stranger! I've tried being direct with her and telling her how i feel but she insist "she did all she could while I was growing up" yeah narcissistic much????
Fast forward.......well the kids and I have welcomed DF into the mix, they have adjusted to the divorce as much as they can, even though my ex makes anything and everything just as difficult as he possibly can, and now (a big surprise but a welcome one) baby #3 is on the way. DF and I both work full-time jobs and yeah I need a lil help from time to time (I only worked part-time when I was married before so I never needed much babysitting etc etc) anyway back to the beginning of the post....the kids are on fall break and tommorrow I asked if she could keep an eye on DS and DD while I worked and instead of just telling me she didn't want too....she goes on about how I neglect my children because of my job, and what are you gonna do with a 3rd child when I can't even take care of the two I've got and made me feel 2 inches tall just to make herself feel better for not helping out...... even though she babysat for my ex husband this past Sunday (his weekend) while he worked ugh.

So what would you guys do. I've been told on numerous occasions to cut ties. I want "that" relationship with her but....we'll just never have it.

[wisedude]

Well, it is obvious that your mother was far from any sort of ideal mother, that is pretty apparent- she has failed to live up to "good mother expectations".

But as whether your relationship with her is advised or should be encouraged? You have not given enough information. It is OBVIOUS you have a lot of unexpressed feeling towards the mater.

I may be unusual, and it may be hard to arrange, but I suggest trying to find a really good Councillor that can try and help you with your issues, try and be neutral, and try and sort out the complex feelings involved in the situation.

If your mum is not blatantly abusive (physically or emotionally) and seems to have some emotion for you and the kids, then I STRONGLY suggest it is probably worth trying to SOMEHOW works things out. As you said you seem to have turned out alright, perhaps not being "strict" with you was not so bad. I mean if she was strict and punished and hated on you for everything you did wrong, you may be more messed up emotionally by it than you currently are.

I personally don't go the strict, control orientated, "you must obey this" strategy with the teenagers I know. To be honest, I just try to ENCOURAGE teenagers, even advise them but personally control etc have not seemed the right way to deal with it.

My impression is that you should NOT give up on things, but seriously I don't know what it will take, but get you and mum BOTH into some sort of objective professional's presence and TRY at least to in a constructive way express your emotions and opinions.