[HockingPastryChef]

First off, I'm planning on moving out of my parents house as soon as I find an apartment to move into. I need to live on my own and take more responsibility for myself as an adult.

So I had moved back into my parents house over a year ago and got a new job around the same time. My brother on the other hand moved back in a few months ago.

I had been getting irritated because of the work getting done around the house. I had a posting on here before about this. My mom does most of the work and pays the bills. My dad helps some by doing laundry every other week, trash and other things outside. My brother does the dishes from breakfast and lunch. Which isn't much due to he doesn't have a job and me and my parents are gone till the afternoon. He does his own laundry then too. I help with cooking and baking (I wash the dishes when I bake), I dust the house and have a job. Plus I help get groceries with my mom every other week and with other little things.

Today my brother had gotten pissed off again. He has anger issues and my mom seems to act like I'm the one being childish for saying I don't like his remarks and saying I don't like the yelling around this house. Though he got angry because my mom had asked about why dishes weren't done. He wasn't doing anything and got upset from my mom. I went and said something about it and he had the nerve to say that I don't do much around the house either. I told him that I do more than you think and he was yeah right you dust every 3 weeks. No, I have dusted every week for maybe a month now. I told him that I want us to have a family discussion about the work. My brother assumes too much and gets angry when I disagree; well not just that almost everything. Today he was going off and saying he was tired of me asking him about the dishes and things I don't see getting done too because I'm his sister I'm not suppose to.

My mom though was telling me that I didn't need to say anything to him because she has the authority. Which yes she is his mother, though I told her that I'm an adult living in this house too. I do get irritated at things that happen too. I want to help out and I have a right to speak up. We aren't little children anymore.

I feel I need to speak up more to my mom on that matter and actually get my brother talking. Maybe even get my brother to talking to me tomorrow about the house work so we can compromise.

I admit I was being a little childish today. Which I told my mom I need to walk away and she said stop being immature. I should I told her back: Yes I was being immature, though I need to go to my room.

My question is how do I not have a right to speak to my brother about my thoughts and how I feel? We are not little kids anymore and I don't see this being just my parents responsibility. I can help my brother with his behavior too, just like him speaking up to me. Which I should start telling him thank you when he says a remark that is true. His jaw may drop. ha Or he'll go off even more.

Ok enough of my frustrations now.

[healingme4me]

Maybe she's not saying that you don't have a right to speak up, but perhaps, it's a method she's learned for dealing with him, that she finds effective?

Think of it, like steam from a boiling pot of water. If you keep it uncovered, the steam rises, and evaporates into the air. If you put a lid on it, all the steam stays inside where it condenses into droplets of water on the lid. Symbolically, the droplets are tears. When you are confrontational with a person who harbors deep anger, with no clear direction, everyone is unhappy and frustrated. If you let him blow off the steam, it goes in no particular direction, at all.

I found, the not quite 'ignore', but a rise about the anger, most effective, last night, with my stepbrother, that I haven't spoken more than two words to, in 23 years. I've seen him a handful of times, in all those years.

Man, oh man, doesn't your brother sound a lot like him. Living at home, contributing next to nothing, and as angry as he's ever been.

It was almost an adrenaline rush, to pull the non-reaction/'I'm more grown up that you'll ever be' manner of carrying myself when he had a little temper tantrum, when my son being an 8 year old boy, accidentally moved the tableclothe. Stepbrother, got a snide remark made to his mother, more a haughty remark/teasing remark to his mother, when she accidentally moved the table clothe, and when his anger diverted in my direction, shoulders up, facial expressions, priceless enough that he took his plate of food and returned to his room.

Rise above it, is how I am taking your mother's remark to you.

[HockingPastryChef]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Maybe she's not saying that you don't have a right to speak up, but perhaps, it's a method she's learned for dealing with him, that she finds effective?

Think of it, like steam from a boiling pot of water. If you keep it uncovered, the steam rises, and evaporates into the air. If you put a lid on it, all the steam stays inside where it condenses into droplets of water on the lid. Symbolically, the droplets are tears. When you are confrontational with a person who harbors deep anger, with no clear direction, everyone is unhappy and frustrated. If you let him blow off the steam, it goes in no particular direction, at all.

I found, the not quite 'ignore', but a rise about the anger, most effective, last night, with my stepbrother, that I haven't spoken more than two words to, in 23 years. I've seen him a handful of times, in all those years.

Man, oh man, doesn't your brother sound a lot like him. Living at home, contributing next to nothing, and as angry as he's ever been.

It was almost an adrenaline rush, to pull the non-reaction/'I'm more grown up that you'll ever be' manner of carrying myself when he had a little temper tantrum, when my son being an 8 year old boy, accidentally moved the tableclothe. Stepbrother, got a snide remark made to his mother, more a haughty remark/teasing remark to his mother, when she accidentally moved the table clothe, and when his anger diverted in my direction, shoulders up, facial expressions, priceless enough that he took his plate of food and returned to his room.

Rise above it, is how I am taking your mother's remark to you.

I'm not sure what you mean by rise about the anger?

I'll handle it better by speaking to him about it more kindly and realize he'll go off at me. I am more prepared after going through these times of him yelling at me because I am sure on what he'll say.