[CleoPig86]

I have been in a long term relationship for 7 years with my sons father (for the sake of the post I'll refer to him a J). We had a very average relationship, never breaking up or arguing, and I would say we were just comfortable with each other and the relationship. We only seriously discussed children the week prior to finding out I was 4 months pregnant. The pregnancy came and went in quite a hurry, and by the time I gave birth to our son, I was still under the impression that parenting was what we both wanted and we were both part of a team effort.
The 1st week I couldn't fault his effort to support me, but after that it drastically went down hill. We were still both living in our parents houses and whenever J was down mine we both seemed uncomfortable to be parents around one another. Personality wise, I'm quite goofy and carefree and not shy to hide my emotions and J is very one level with his emotions and lived sensibly. I have taken to motherhood more naturally then I thought possible and I think J feels left in the back seat with no important role to play. He didn't value my choice to breastfeed and made comments that made me feel awful. After a month or two he began taking our son over his house and spending time with him away from me. When we did spend time together we just felt awkward. He made out our problems were because we both lived separately and it was my fault because I should try harder to get social housing. We could afford to rent privately if we budgeted. 1 month before we split up I didn't see him and he was sending his mother to collect the baby and we only spoke via text, and we had an ongoing disagreement about his dog that was a bull breed and she was very aggressive when she was younger and I did not want her near our son and the more I pushed it the more him and his family grew defensive toward me. I said I think we shouldn't be together and his response was at least we agree on something.
His mum continued to collect the baby for 2 months and J never offered money toward the baby. When I asked he questioned where my maternity pay was going. I struggled with little money, sold my car as I couldn't afford it and when I brought up money again with J he said he wants to know where it'll be spent as he didn't want me taking him for a c***! By this time our son was 5 months and not long after I found out he was in contact with a girl he was with in school. She has a materialistic appeal to him, she is a hairdresser with a glamorous image to him. She has her own flat and drives a nice car. He has recently been very materialistic just before we split up and he knows I don't care for fancy things and my happiness comes from my family values and things you can't buy. He will not speak to me about our break up. He is going out buying clothes for himself when the baby lives in hand me downs. I had a baby with the person who I knew as responsible loyal reliable but he switched and now treats me and our baby as if we held him back. I just don't know if I should try and get through to him as I feel he is missing out on an amazing experience seeing our son grow, I believe he had a hard time adjusting to parenthood and is being stubborn by trying to prove something to himself. I don't want my son growing up and asking why his dad doesn't live with us because I wouldn't know what the reason is either

[gayleggg]

I would start looking for a way I could take care of me and my baby. Don't count on the father. Sounds like he has made the decision for you. I notice you are from the UK and don't what laws are in place to get child support. You might look into that. I would move on.

I don't know how it works in the UK, but here in the states, both parents are required to take care of the child. Get paternity papers on the child just in case and get that established. I know there is no divorce in order here but that does not mean there isn't child support responsibility. Give up on him as a parter in this and set up a parenting plan. Let the courts get it documented and don't leave up to you and him getting along. Doesn't sound like that will happen. Get it on paper and stick to the time you're allotted in it. From there, they can establish who is responsible to pay for whom in child suport. This is the only way. Treat it as if you were married and have to set up custody and child support.

[CleoPig86]

Thank you both for your logical replies. It does make sense to leave the relationship where it is, there is to much that has changed between us that there is no way that it would be fixable. It has taken all my energy just thinking about it all, constantly, to the point I felt obsessed trying to understand what has happened. I think if someone walks away and shuts the door at a time in your life when they should support you, knowing the mess they're leaving behind, then I think the message they're are trying to give you is pretty obvious. I really wished it could be different, I wish I was able to see his relationship with our son grow, and I wish I could switch off the the love that I have for him, even though I know I shouldn't care. I have been to the doctors as my emotions were hard to cope with because I would be feeling so confused and wasn't able handle anything. The doctor wasn't too concerned with anything mentally. I have a great family holding me up and they are bending over backwards to support me. I have very recently been in contact with CSA which is child support in the UK. For some reason the person I spoke to didn't sound too promising when she'd told me she spoke to J. But I know eventually, no matter if he denies our child or not, the CSA will hold him accountable for supporting his child. I am trying not to contact J myself, I deleted his number and it is hidden in my fathers phone. As when I felt overwhelmed with a certain things I found it difficult to not contact him. Which he didn't care for in any case. Any visitation is done via my father now, which is really helpful for me. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.