[Aoitori2013]

Happily married. Lived abroad. Came home w/ husband to have my child to be close to family. lived w/ mom for year for visa reasons. independent and and doing well now. But relationship with mother non-existent. Haven’t talked in over a year.

core problem/ question:
mother says she has done nothing wrong and that she accepts her father for how he is, and i should do the same for her. She also says for my child - her house, her rules. The only thing I want from my mother is for her to acknowledge and take accountability of her actions. To understand that her actions have caused me a great deal of pain. And that she will try in the future to treat me in a way that does not hurt me. But she believes she did nothing wrong.

There are hundreds of examples of how she treats me but here are a few:
- screamed at me while pregnant. I would beg her to stop as it would give me contractions, and she knew this, but she would only scream louder. Couldn’t breath from stress last few months of pregancy. Thought it was asthma but was stress related.
- After giving birth, one day, over sunglasses, she started a fight that ended in her asking “Do you want to die!!” while flooring it down a highway in a rage. She’s never apologized telling me to get over it.
- She insisted our baby had a milk allergy- she didn’t. Our child was just swallowing air as she fed on her bottle when she was upset. mother finally forced us to take her to the doctors - the doctor said we were right. My mother thinks we lied and never took her.
- she told me to help her make dinner one time at 5pm while i lived there. I was late (5:10) because I was nursing my child. She flipped out, screamed, called names/ said I was selfish for being late.
-everytime would give my child a giant adult piece of cake and ice cream. then at least 3 cookies and then more dessert later. every time we saw them although I repeatedly asked her to please not give my chlid as much sugar. ** But she says, Her House. Her Rules. She said she never told her parents what to do when they had me over as a child and I shouldn’t with her.**
-she starts drama out of nothing: ex: one day when we were visiting my husband thought he was going to pass out (he’s not ever sick) and went to lie down on the bed in *my* old room upstairs on my old bed. He ended up being so sick we had to stay the night. Next day my mother calls: she was very offended that he lied down on that bed without asking permission.
- my mother made me super elaborate doll houses as a child. I wanted to do the same for my child. I told her not to as i would love to. She did it anyway, saying i was too slow (kid was 3 already), and her houses weren’t for “dolls” anyway but “calico critters”....
- forced me to say yes to a plans while on the phone while I had the flu and had just thrown up. When I had to reschedule the next day she screamed, and cussed at me, saying I was selfish etc for changing plans on her.
- when baby was barely a year old she demaned we come up sometimes twice a month. when we would say we really couldn’t (we live 2 hours away) she would say, “well, that’s your fault for living so far away” and make me feel I had to atone for my ‘sins’ of moving so far away. they rarely came down to see us.
- would say look at your brother’s girlfriend. She a good daughter. “she stays close to home”
- her brother has cut the bridge with her father. She has cut the bridge with her brother. She cut the bridge with her sister. Her sister cut the bridge with the parents recently. There is a history of aggression, lack of forgiveness, only concentrating on people’s faults, and lack of introspection and accountability. And none of these people are in prison, on drugs, or have done anything that would normally cause families to fall apart. I graduated top in my university for my major, lead a clean and respectable life.

When I’ve confronted her in a letter, and tell her my feelings she says that I am the one that hurt her. I was distant, didn’t seem excited when she would come to visit or call. But this was after and during her hurting me. But she literally has no self introspection to see that I was distant *because* of her behavior. She just blames me for being distant and hurting her, when she doesn’t look at why.

So my question is, am I crazy to want her to be accountable, and just at least acknowledge that she did wrong and that she will try and be respectful and not hurt me? And that she has to be respectful of my rules as a mother?

You're not crazy to want her to be accountable, but if she doesn't realize she's doing something wrong, it's unlikely she'll ever acknowledge that she did anything wrong. Frankly, unless she wants to change, she probably never will. In my opinion, the best thing you could do for you and your family is to completely cut her out of her life. Perhaps you could even consider living abroad again.

[gayleggg]

You are not crazy for wishing she would be accountable, but you probably are dreaming. I do not see this woman changing her ways anytime soon. I.Am.The.End. was rght about the fact that she has to first face she did something wrong and then have to want to change and from what you have said about her actions thus far I don't it happening. I would cut ties and have a less chaotic life.

[tinyrabbit]

You're not wrong to want these things, but they are unfortunately unlikely to happen. I think it would be better to work on accepting that you won't get what you need from your mother and putting yourself and your own family first.

The only thing I want from my mother is for her to acknowledge and take accountability of her actions. To understand that her actions have caused me a great deal of pain.

Believe me I understand. Of course you want this. But unfortunately I don't think your mother is capable of giving you what you need.

And if she doesn't keep your rules, don't take your kids to her house. It's time to start setting some boundaries.