How is surest way to get her back to my place?

Hi,
So it is a fact that a relationship will not move
Forward unless you both get to the intimacy
stage.

But how is safest/surest way to "invite" her
over without being so presumptious?

In the past the "we should watch a movie
at my place" routine used to work, and always
led to more... but the girl was already usually
Kissing me by then anyway.

Lately I am struggling with the inviting over
part of the equation...and seems the girl
never is the first to invite ME over ...that
would make it easier. Is there reason
For that?

I am NOT just looking for a hookup but
Seems girls assume wrong things too
quickly... that every guy just wants to
sleep with them and nothing more .
well I do want that...but the entire
Package as well.

I also have roommates in the apt.
Is a girl hesitant to hookup with a guy
knowing he still lives with roommates?

My income will not allow a better lifestyle
Unfortunately.

Dunno the answer to your first question...never had much issue with that but, to the secondish...women have been taught that inviting a man into their space can mean all kinds of trouble, so usually she has to know he reeeel well before thats gonna happen.

You're having roommates shouldn't matter that much as long as they aren't jerks. Does she know them?

Wish I could be more helpful

But does anyone know the way to do my first question?
I am not looking to trick a girl into sex... but I do want them to
come over willfully and let it happen on its own. In other words
How do I create a situarion where she will Naturally agree to
visit me after each date...rather than manipulating her.

My exBF invited me to his house and he cooked dinner for me and we then listened to music after dinner.

Ok I know it is not good to invite EVERY girl you meet over to your place.. believe me I know. There are people with "problems" among both sexes.. guys and girls. To be fair. So from experience I can tell you you do NOT want to sleep with every girl. It opens up a huge pandora's box of emotional hangups and insecurities, with the wrong girl... can lead to co-dependency crap and baggage coming out.. not a good spot to be in for either!

But... the healthy, stable, and safe girl who I genuinely like and want to hookup with without worrying about if she will stab me, those are the ones I want to know how to get them over to my place for some serious cuddling. Cuddling usually always leads to more.

The "let's order takeout and watch a movie" works if she is in the same sexual rhythm as I am. But how to get them to that phase that I am in?? How
do you ensure that she does not also think of me as potentially harmful to her? I personally would never hurt a female, for example.. so why do girls associate coming over with something potentially harmful? Wouldn't they know that about me after 1 or 2 dates? I usually am comfortable with hooking up after 2-3 dates max.. so why does it take so much longer for some girls to feel safe?

These are some excuses I hear from the time-wasters... how would you overcome these challanges?? I have heard these many times..

" Yeah.. this week is pretty crazy for me."
" I have a dear friend visiting from out of town."
" I am going to a concert with my gay best friend."
" Why don't we talk on facebook... or we can text or Skype"

Obviously none of these will get us in an Intimate situation.

Your thoughts, experiences, ideas?
And why do so many girls keep gay besties if that does not offer them
the added benefit of sex?
Why do so many girls always have " a pretty crazy week"?
I mean.. I work full time and ALWAYS make time for a girl...
and I feel I am being put last behind her gay besties.. always.

This sounds, like you have a thing, for the one, with a gay best friend. Naturally, a good third date, involves, your home, in some way, shape or form.
Making dinner, together, can be fun. A long scenic drive, followed by take out and a movie. Something, bonding, followed by that special cuddle time, is a good way. Less, on the come over, to my place, more hype on the bonding/dating experience.
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You know... you should try treating them like people, and less like objects.

I'm sorry, I just get the sense from this that you really don't seem to view these women as anything other than machines to provide sex. If she says that it's a crazy week - then it is. If she has a friend visiting - then she does. If she's going to a concert - then she is. If she wants to talk online - then that means it's an easier way for her to communicate. If they're lies then she clearly isn't interested anyway. They aren't challenges to overcome - they are someone else's life that you need to have some respect for.

How many dates do you go on before you are wanting them to come over and have sex with you? You can't rush someone into it - if they're at the point where they also want to have sex, things wouldn't be as complicated for you as they seem to be.

Creating a situation for her to come over where she'll then want to have sex... that sounds like manipulation. If you invite someone over they will either say yes, or no. She might say yes and still not want to have sex with you.

It doesn't sound like you bother to get to know these women all that well before you want sex.

This is not meant to sound sarcastic but for me not expecting or planning or trying to make stuff work a certain way when it comes to other people is always the way that works best.

I create the opportunities but stay out of it after that I do not ask they usually do and I usually make them wait.

Try it.

Seriously,

Kyle

Some people like to get to know the person and create an actual bond before sex. You seem to think that the sex creates that bond and not the other way around. Maybe it does for some people but for a lot of others it doesn't.

Do I know if a male is a safe person after 1-2 dates ...no. after 1-2 dates I might not even know if I really like them or not because I would barely know them by that time. I would be seeing what they are presenting on the surface to make a good impression maybe.. you know..put your best foot forward.

And the rest of your post does read like the pickup artists. How can I make a women want to come over and have sex before she actually wants to. How can I manipulate her into thinking she wants what I want. Why don't you just try to find a women who actually does want what you want and let the rest just decide for themselves and respect their choice instead of trying to create some kind of illusion or manipulate their emotions? This really should not be this hard. They will ...if they want to. And of they don't want to they won't. Why do you need to make some sort of scheme to get what you want?

If you are having trouble finding women who are interested perhaps it is your approach , maybe they sense what some of us are sensing.

Meeting someone and going on a date without expectations might be a good place to start. Do you care who you get in a relationship with or do you just want to be in one or do you wanr to be in one at all? It's not totally clear what the whole package means.

Is there something wrong with having a friend of opposite gender who you do not get sex from?

Just to add on to RedPanda's because I do think she says it well. You say you want more than sex, but your thread seems to revolve around how to get it and not much more.

Well I do not apologize...what I want is what I want.
Sex in a clean and safe manner is a loving
Expression of affection..it also releases alot of
Mutual tension that builds up when you like
each other.. that negative inward sexual energy
can lead to conflict and negativity. So I don't
get why you are equating Intimacy with
something dangerous or dirty/unsafe.

Kyle's post is pretty good. It is best to engineer
the "opportunity" and she ought to want to
Voluntarily be intimate. This is not about
Manipulating someone.

But put the shoe on the other foot..
A girl should therefore not "expect"
free dinner dates each week, free drinks,etc,
daily phone calls and texts by a guy... and not
Contribute anything physical on her part. Fair is fair.

So... in other words... you think you can buy your way into their pants? Why not just find a prostitute?

So you want sex. You don't want a relationship. That's a-ok if that is what you want - but don't pretend like you want more than just sex. It's likely why you keep striking out - you're trying to present it to women that you want more when really you don't.

There is nothing wrong with sex. Nothing at all. But not everyone wants to have sex before they even know someone. And going out on a few dates does NOT obligate someone to have sex with you.

FYI - a guy has never paid for me. I pay for myself. Because I don't want them to try to make me feel obligated to have sex with them. Which seems to be exactly what you do...

How many dates have you gone on with just one woman? Have you been seeing her for weeks, months? Once or twice?

You say that you want intimacy... you can't be intimate with someone when you don't know them. I've had one night stands, and while I've found them fun... there was zero intimacy involved because we didn't know each other. It isn't an expression from that man that he's got affection for me - it's that he wants to have sex and found me attractive. For a one night stand that's no biggie because it was a mutual thing.

But you don't seem to be presenting yourself as that to women - you aren't presenting and being upfront that you just want to have casual sex. You seem to be presenting to women the idea that you want a relationship, and then it ends up being that you want sex.

Try being honest about what you want.

You are missing the point..
I DONT want casual sex.... its not safe or clean.
I want a relationship that involves one steady
sexual partner. Is that a crime?

Its not about buying my way into her pants..
If I am contributing time and money and
energy into a person on a regular basis then
I do want something physical to come of it.

I notice too many girls try to "change" guys
nowadays and make us feel guilty about
wanting sex. Yet they feel ok with us treating
them to expensive dinners and do not
feel guilty about not giving something in return.

The gay best friend and facebook are part to
Blame...also the media. It programs todays
girl to think that she does not "need" a straight
Guy for sex because the gay bestie and the girl's
Facebook "friends" fill her emotional need.

"Its not about buying my way into her pants..
If I am contributing time and money and
energy into a person on a regular basis then
I do want something physical to come of it."

That's buying your way into her pants, sorry. If you spend money on someone, there should be NOTHING attached to that outside of the fact that you wanted to spend money on them. If you want something in return, then you are purchasing something. Is she even aware that it is what you are doing? No, because you aren't being explicit.

"I DONT want casual sex.... its not safe or clean.
I want a relationship that involves one steady
sexual partner. Is that a crime?"

To have that, you need to get to know her as a person and she needs to know you. This will not happen within a day. You will not foster a relationship by having sex immediately, which is what you present as the approach you take in your threads. Perhaps you are explaining yourself very poorly - but your thread title is "how to get her back to your place" not "how to develop a meaningful relationship". It isn't a relationship if you've gone on a few dates - that's dating. Having sex doesn't make it a relationship either. If you want a relationship, a truly meaningful one, then you need to not focus on sex and instead focus on who she is.

"I notice too many girls try to "change" guys
nowadays and make us feel guilty about
wanting sex. Yet they feel ok with us treating
them to expensive dinners and do not
feel guilty about not giving something in return."

I hate to say it... but this is a vast stereotype, and quite a sexist one at that. And again, you are demonstrating that when you are spending money, you are doing it with strings attached. You're playing a game with these women, and they don't know that they're playing.

How often do you get to go on a second date with someone? (This is just curiousity, because despite all the things you say... I'd like to be able to help you be a bit more of a genuine guy around women). After a date or so you should be starting to actually get to know each other - which should include a variety of things to do while on dates. If you are consistently going out to eat expensive meals, then why on earth don't you know anything about them to have any idea how to proceed further towards being in a relationship with them?

Your last 2 posts are exactly why you get nowhere with women

You address it directly?

I'm not sure what is wrong with that if you aren't being pushy about it. It seems you feel there is some "trick" to getting a woman to be intimate with you.

I mean, there is- for me, anyway, one needs to be genuine, communicative, and actually see past the NEED for physical intimacy.

Also, you are saying a relationship can't progress without physical intimacy... if it's weird to ask someone back to your apartment, really what kind of relationship is it?

I feel like you ARE seeking "just a hookup"- and also, an built in expectation of sex or sexual intimacy.

You need to be clear with YOURSELF about what you want here, you are confusing the crap out of me. And I'm a woman, and I expect you are actually being more open on this forum than you might be with someone you are just starting to date.

So... no wonder you can't figure out what to do or say?

People, not logic puzzles.
Remember it.

You are not to blame at all?
How many of these women are you actually getting to know? Do you do nice things for them without any expectation in return? Are you communicating, at all, with them?

Maybe you just don't yet understand how to treat a person you want to get to know. Investment in a relationship - and the return- can encompass many many things.

If you are looking for a person who agrees with the equation:
[M$] = [M+W]sex

You should be explicit and not expect people to read your mind. If a guy offered to buy me dinner and then balked when I didn't want to be intimate- it would probably be a really bad scene for numerous reasons.

In relationships, successful ones, you give 60% and expect to get back 40%.. this often means have little to no expectation for a specific element that will make up the return in your investment.

If you do, it needs to be discussed.

But it doesn't really sound like you want any sort of relationship, as I mentioned previously.
The fact that you seem to feel a woman is obligated to be physical with you because you treat her to a meal [etc] is not reasonable. I don't actually know how you approach women, what you say, or how you say it. But if you hold those kind of principles, it will often show in your demeanor. That may be why you get little to no positive response when you approach them in public.

Just an idea.

ETA:
On "Emotional needs, fulfilling":

Personally, the one period in my life when I tried to do the "dating" thing just didn't work for me. I need to establish connection, reliability, trust, and really?
Pretty much all my SOs were friends in some capacity first. Which means I put in time and effort before anything in terms of a romantic relationship even hoped to get off the ground.
I don't try to change people because I'm dating them- the idea is pretty silly. If you don't appreciate and adore who they were to begin with, why pursue a relationship with them? You need a project go to a craft store or something, do fixups around the house.

People deserve time and effort and consistency and respect. All of it, together.
You often can't get there if the first leg of the journey is the bedroom, though to be fair some people click immediately and and intricately and it can work for them.

Well I see you all are trying to help..
Thats why we are here.

Ok I will use examples. 5 years
Experience in the dating world.

It just all feels like a zero sum and
No winner. Going out in the nyc area
Is so costly and places are crowded.
Then dealing with subways and busses
And the logistics of it... plus seems
Everyone here is working 10 hr days!

So actually makes it very superficial and
No real chance to connect on a human
level. You should see how tuned out
Girls on the bus are. If I chat them up
Even in a friendly non-sexual way..they
Go right for the headphones.

As a guy yes it can make us sexually desirous and we do
Look at it like damn I just spent $30 on her salad
which she barely ate... at least I ought to get SOMETHING out
Of this for all this trouble. Finding and planning date spots
is so complicated. Damned if you do and if you dont.

Then to have them text you the next day to say
They did not feel a connection...even though you
were certain there was a connection.

So at 32 you can imagine I am tired of the games
And I know if I dont get her in the bedroom, it
will not get to a stage where I want it to be at
this stage of life.... and good sex is healthy. These
Dating "games" are stressful.

So.... do you often have a second date?

Because I wouldn't go home and have sex with a guy on the first date either. Especially if I didn't feel a connection.

Perhaps they don't feel a connection to you because you are so busy trying to figure out how to get them to have sex with you. They probably don't even see whoever YOU are... and just whatever veneer you have on to try to make yourself more appealing to them.

My last serious relationship, we didn't even KISS until about three months in.
We dated over seven years. For the most part it was a pretty solid relationship [obviously I exclude the very end- it wasn't working, hence the past tense of "date"]

I'm not sure where you learned you have to get a woman into the bedroom quickly, but it really sounds like you want an "EASY" button a la Staples for some kind of relationship. I mean, if I am to read correctly and put stock in everything you are writing.

There is no easy in any relationship.
Even if you don't fight or have many disagreements, a solid relationship takes work.

If you don't want to put forth that effort, you won't get something that would otherwise reflect effort.

And...women shouldn't expect "free" meals, drinks, etc.... they shouldn't expect you to contact them frequently if you are in an exclusive relationship? REALLY?

I don't expect FREE anything from anyone. If my SO wants to treat me, I'm not going to say no. When I offer to do something like that it is because it makes me happy to make them happy and feel appreciated and desired and cared about.

It's not a transaction.
Also, pretty much none of the women I associate with work that way [expectations that their date constantly pick up the tab], myself included.

If you have a problem with doing that? Maybe stop doing it?

If a guy pays for my meal but is otherwise a jerk, I have no interest.
If a guy is flat broke but we get along great and they make me feel good about myself and about any kind of relationship the two of us are pursuing? I consider that a solid win.

The rest are details that can be ironed out.
If you look for women who expect you to pay for everything, that is what you will get.
Stop saying you'll pay all the time.

One more question though- what prevented you from dating until you were 26?

Wow! No wonder you are not getting any.

No where did I equate sex to dirty by the way. I've been in a relationship with my current bf for almost 8 years now and we still have an amazing sex life. I have a higher sex drive than him amd I certainly don't feel sex is dirty or wrong or we not be havig the sex life we have. How you got that from my reply shows a little about you tho I think..and what you assume.

My bf and I split cost of dates or take turns treating each other. Money really is not a factor, so stop using it as some kind of negotiating tool because it isn't working for you anyways it seems and only making you resentful of women. You seem to have some pretty general blanket assumptions about women, maybe you need to rethink that. It's not a fact that you have to have sex pronto to secure a relationship...where are you getting your facts of life from?

It sounds like you feel you are entitled to sex from these women...but you are not, no one is entitled to sex from anyone. If actually find the idea that buying a women a meal and now she should give you sex as a not safe zone. That is how we arrive at issues like date rape. Someone feels entitled to another persons body for whatever reason. I am not saying you would but that is a dangerous idea to be holding..it reaks of control.

You also say women ought to want to be vulnerable and intimate. Well women actually ought to want whatever it is they want. Some may want to be and others may not. Some want to be with someone they actually know.

It sounds as if you are afraid to be vulnerable by trying to fast track true intimacy that leads to a strong relationship by using sex as a tool to ensure some sort of emotional tie before they can actually get to know you. Are you afraid that if they get to know you first that they won't like you and you won't stand a chance? Or what is the reason you feel you need to fast track and bypass some important steps here? I think we are in an age where sex no longer holds that power over women, women can have sex and still not want to commit to a relationship maybe more now so then ever. So securing sex early really doesn't equal a relationship anymore.

If you actually cannot see what is wrong with buying someone something and expecting sex in return... then I doubt you will see anything wrong with the example I gave you or why this does not work. Even if it secures you a one night stand this behaviour will not secure you a long term relationship.

A strong heathy relationship that will last needs to be cultivated and nurtured in all aspects, not just with sex. It takes time and effort from both people.

I have had guys try to spend money on me and make me feel obligated to give them something back weather it was my time or sex. I actually had one guy be so bold as to tell me he bought a really expensive gift for me and now I had to have dinner with him. I told him that I hoped he kept the reciept and could get his money back. Last I checked I was not for sale, nor a prostitute or in the escort feild. It is manipulation, and if that is just the start..imagine the end. Guys like this often refer to themselves as "nice guys" nice guys who complain that women just ignore them. They seem to fail to see that women can pick up on their manipulative tactics or unhealthy ways and not want to get involved with them. I have know quite a few "nice guys" and they for the most part were not actually that nice at all but manipulators, and it was quite obvious to others but not to them.

Sure some women will take advantage of that and use it up to the point where they can no longer stand being around the guy. There was no ligitamate intimacy there then likely in the first place. Other women will see this and want nothing to do with it all. It's not a relationship winning tactic.

You said you are tired of the games, but it looks as though you are the one playing them.

Trear the woman you like as something serious and long-term and maybe try to not just focus on the hookup. You say that there are girls with issues, but what about the issues and skeletons in your closet? Have you considered working more on yourself and making you the best you instead of looking for the best her? Being more self-motivated and seeing a man who is working on long-term goals and not just toward the hookup would get you a better relationship and chance of having a woman take you seriously.

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But that is not what many other people want. And it is emotionally unsafe. You only see it from your point of view. No wonder you don't get it.

Intimacy - I misunderstood you at first. I thought you didn't understand what hookup meant and you wanted emotional intimacy. No, you want a hookup: physical intimacy. FHS!


If you can't afford to pay for the other person, then don't!

If "engineering" a social situation is not manipulation, than prey tell, what is it exactly?

I am really having such a hard time taking you seriously at this point if only because you seem to be at odds with yourself over what you want and what you are willing to admit to wanting. You want someone who will go back to your place for a physical encounter after every date, but you don't want "casual sex"- because it is supposedly dirty and unsafe.
What could possibly guarantee an increased level of safe/clean if you are trying to get to the sex as quickly as possible before even knowing a person? Nothing at all.

You seem to distinctly separate "casual sex" and... whatever it is you would like to see happen- which is sex before the establishment of a solid trusting relationship.
Hey, sounds pretty "casual" to me.

I also know very few women who have this expectation of being bought stuff all the time. They do have an expectation of communication... but that is reasonable, and if you are in a relationship you should WANT to communicate with the other person frequently.
The fact that you see it as a chore or a bargaining chip suggests you wouldn't "give the world" to a girlfriend, either.

I'm frankly having a hard time excluding the possibility that you are "engineering" this conversation and most of your knowledge actually stems from television, like Sex in the City, rather than real life. What you apply to all women doesn't actually even appear to be present in most women.

Holy cow! I'm not sure where to start....

Guys like you were the reason I hated dating back in the day. Now that I'm single again it's the reason I have no interest in dating now.

Relationships of any kind take time to develop. It takes time to get to really know the other person's likes, dislikes, interests, etc. Ain't gonna happen in one or two dates.

There are folks of both sexes who are interested in sex without developing a meaningful realtionship first, but you say that sex leads to emotional intimacy. Sorry, for most folks in the real world the emotional intimacy comes first, then the sex.

I'm going to repeat what some others said, if you think spending money on dinner or whatever means the woman should give you sex just hire a prostitute.

You talk about "gay besties". Maybe these women have gay male friends because those men don't pressure them for sex.

As someone else mentioned, you say you want to "engineer" the opportunity for a woman to want to have sex with you. Sounds like manipluation in my book.

I strongly suspect the reason you don't get passed one or two dates with a woman is that they pick up vibes from you that you are looking for sex and they aren't interested.

As for the girls on the bus popping in earbuds when you try to chat them up. Ever consider they just put in one of those 10 hour days and just want to go home and put their feet up for the night?

In all of the replies I get here from women about my post... seems to revolve around one thing.. that women have this idea they don't actually need sex or need Us for it, or need Us at all... but expect all the communication & emotional investment from us without "giving" anything physical in return.

I am sorry if I sounded like a douchebag who just wants sex... it was not my intention.. I am not a gay hater either. But... what I do expect is for the girl to "want" the physical intimacy on her own and be more proactive in it. Like you said, when I am the one trying to engineer the opportunity.. it comes off as me just wanting a hookup.

I am not understanding the mentality of girls that if they have sex with us then they are somehow losing something and only I am gaining... and that it is safe and risk-free to focus on the gay friend, the career, the female friends, and that it is somehow painful or "risky" to agree to sex with a straight male??? Is it not pleasurable for BOTH? This is such a flawed mentality nowadays.. and speaking of Sex in the City, shows like that actually program girls more than they do guys. I don't even watch that crap.

So I will do it your way...
tell me, ladies, how exactly would YOU want to be approached, pursued, romanticized, talked to by a new guy who is into you?

When we try to "get to know you" you give us 0 attention because 99% of your attention is on everything else besides me.. as I mentioned in another post.. then you wonder why we develop the sexual fantasies and desire..
maybe you all should try to get over yourself and accept that you do need a guy, you do enjoy sex as much as we do, and it can be done safely,, in ADDITION to the emotional bonding which can go hand in hand. I should not have to jump hoops to get you to that point. And for that nice lady that said she made her man wait 6 months before even kissing her.... that I would NOT tolerate of any woman. Not acceptable.

If I put in all the work to satisfy your communication/emotional need, you should put in work to satisfy sexual needs as well. fair is fair.