[North_Star]

I have been with my fiancé for quite some time now and we have a beautiful baby girl. Lately he has become someone else. He was laid off from his job at the end of September and since then he has become very controlling, manipulative and demanding. I can't seem to go anywhere, text my friends or even talk to my family for very long without him demanding to know where I am, who I am talking to and/or who I am with. Prior to him being laid off he would tease me about cheating and I could tell that he was teasing. Now, he no longer teases about it and accuses me of leaving my job to go see someone else.
He has been accusing me of cheating so much that in his head he has lead himself (to an extent) into actually believing that I'm cheating. I AM NOT!!!!

When I get home from work if I don't automatically take our daughter from him and take care of her for the rest of the evening, he tells me that I am worthless and that I am a worthless mother. I know for a fact that I’m not worthless mother nor am I a worthless person.

I make sure that our daughter is well taken care of and everything is in her best interest, which is why I am posting this. I do not want to tear my family apart, but I refuse to be treated this way any longer and I am not going to allow my daughter to grow up thinking that a man treating a woman this way is acceptable.

I have finally been driven to the end of my rope by him constantly accusing me of cheating and by him trying to control me. He is the one causing the problems, yet I'm the one who suffers and is made to feel like this is all my fault.
How do I approach him to let him know that I am tired of constantly being accused of cheating? That he is controlling, manipulative and demanding? That he is the one driving the wedge between us and ready to lose his family if he doesn’t stop, without making him feel like he is being backed into a corner?

I would like to fix our relationship and make it stronger, rather than turning my back and walking away. So any helpful comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Would it be possible to have a sort of "temporary separation"? Where you separate you and your daughter from the situation (maybe living with family, if that's possible) until your fiancé hopefully returns to himself. That way you're protecting yourself and your daughter, but not walking away.

It appears that the stress (or other emotions) involved with him losing his job has been wearing on him and he's unfortunately taking it out on you. Hopefully him getting another job will "change" him back. But this behavior is worrisome…it might be useful for him to see a psychiatrist because either his personality has suddenly changed or he's unable to cope with frustration etc. in a healthy manner (meaning that this could happen again the next time he's laid off or something doesn't go his way).

I can't personally tell you why he's acting this way or the best way to help him but hopefully a doctor will. This may "back him into a corner" in a way, but I can't think of a better solution—at least this way you're not really turning your back on him, you're just putting some temporary space between you and him. Hopefully, if someone else has a better idea they'll post. Either way, good luck resolving this!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by North_Star

How do I approach him to let him know that I am tired of constantly being accused of cheating? That he is controlling, manipulative and demanding? That he is the one driving the wedge between us and ready to lose his family if he doesn’t stop, without making him feel like he is being backed into a corner?

I would like to fix our relationship and make it stronger, rather than turning my back and walking away. So any helpful comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

You could say, "When I am accused of cheating, etc; I feel controlled, manipulated and like there are unreasonable demands made on me. When I feel like this, I find it drives a wedge between us. I would like for our relationship to become stronger, not one that is drifting apart. What can be done, to get these accusations stopped?"

The reality is, he sounds depressed, and the job loss probably compounded everything else. What was 'teasing' before has turned more serious. Sounds like you'd like to rescue him, for the sake of the ideal of an intact family. After all, that's how we are taught to be 'good moms', ensuring that we don't drift off from the daddy's.

Until, we are able to stop taking pity and giving a misguided sense of compassion, this type of pattern will continue.

[Swedishchef88]

I am sorry for your difficult situation. It sounds like he is feeling worthless, and therefore assumes your feeling the same ways out him- naturally leading to the thought of you idolizing someone else above him. I know it is difficult to be calm and loving when you feel attacked, but think of what you love about him and what you admire, respect, appreciate that he does/ has done. Then tell him those things/feelings, and how they stand out above other people to you. This will make him feel valued despite being jobless and down, and will remind you of the good things he has brought to your life ( hopefully ). Ask him ( calmly ) to tell you what you have done in the past to lose his trust? Maybe this will remind him that he has no reason to distrust you. Most importantly, stay calm- don't entertain his ridiculous thoughts with an argument- this will only add weight to his unfounded suspicions and make you upset. I truly hope this works out in the best way possible for you.

[North_Star]

Thank you everyone for all the advice. Some of it struck home.

I do believe that he is taking his frustration out on me. I'm the scapegoat. A doctor is out of the question. I've suggested it before. He refuses to even consider it. I think he needs it more than he will ever know. He has anger issues and I think that that is a major contributing factor in all of this.

Thinking off all the good things he has done for me and all the good times are being overshadowed by the present situation. I'm not even sure I want to try to mend our bond anymore. He makes it almost impossible for me to talk to him. He hates confrontation, but when he has to face the fact that there is something wrong, he would rather tell me to shut up and that there is nothing to talk about then refuses to talk to me. I'm left feeling like nothing will ever change. Because of that simple fact, I'm beginning to feel that the only solution is to end our relationship.

[Swedishchef88]

Sounds like you may at least need to take a step back for awhile, protecting your daughter in every way is your top responsibility. And if you are seeing such big issues now I respect and agree with you that pursuing marriage with this person ( without things getting better first) is not a good idea. Marriage is a big,special, and hopefully permanent, commitment- so it is very important to take the time to choose who will be best for you to spend the rest of your life with, and be a good example and influence on your daughter. I feel for you and can only imagine how you must feel