why do i always leave guys who actually care about me?

sometimes I feel so stuck, and vulnerable like I'm about to snap out and go into a jealous rage, I was in a toxic unhealthy relationship on and off for years and I finally came to terms that we were better off with other people. But now I find myself in a similar relationship, and I'm having a lot of same old emotions. I know I settle for people in relationships. We have had a lot of nasty fights where we would say things to purposely hurt each other. I don't feel like my boyfriend Is there for me emotionally even though he says he Is. I don't do well with cold bitter men. He gets really hostile with me. I feel a lot of resentment towards him. I have this intense fear of being alone and abandoned, and we have got in to fights where he had all of his **** packed, and he was ready to leave me. It just hurts a lot still I guess. I feel myself going into a jealous rage sometimes where I just lash out and try to hurt him.

I tell him I have a lot of triggers, but It doesn't seem to change anything. For example: This girl he used to hook up with that is now dating his bestfriend comes over and hangs out with us, and drinks, when she gets really drunk she pushes boundaries, and makes me feel really uncomfortable and hostile. She has done it many times where she has flirted with him (touched his hair, got playful towards him) The whole touching his head thing really gets under my skin. I told him how much It bothered me after the first time It happened. And then about a week ago I was outside talking to her, my boyfriend came out for a smoke and she started touching his hair again and being flirty, my boyfriend didn't say anything, apparently he was too drunk to realize what she was doing. And I just got really annoyed and went back inside, he stayed out there and continued to talk to her. Later on when everyone was gone and he got back from the bar I freaked out at him, and choked him.

He almost broke up with me, and we worked **** out. But I feel really angry just thinking about It. To other people It may seem harmless, and petty but to me Its a huge problem and It makes my blood boil. Last night this other girl who he used to be really good friends with but treated us both like crap and he stopped talking to her called all drunk trying to talk to him but he hung up, she called again and I basically told her to stop talking and to forget his number, she then left an angry drunk voicemail saying she was going to kick my teeth in. He has told friends before that the reason he doesn't talk to her Is because I won't let him, even though he told me The reason he doesn't talk to her Is because She treated me like crap, and won't apologize to either of us.Anyways he's been texting her as I've been on here typing this. I just feel really alone right now, and hostile. I always get dragged into his crap. Yes maybe sometimes In the past I have been really controlling, and lashed out at him. But I have really just trying to get him to stick up for himself because all of his friends treat him like crap, and I always end up looking like the bad guy.

This is really the last thing I need to deal with right now. I just feel very stuck. like he doesn't understand my needs, or me emotionally. I'm having doubts, I left a guy who supported me and helped me through bad times, who always went out his way for me, for this. I regret a lot. I've just moved to this new city to be with a guy and fight constantly and feel stuck, I was much happier with him than my current boyfriend. i feel like there's this big distance between us even when I'm laying down right beside him. don't know what to do.

It doesn't sound like this bf really cares about you. It also sounds like he has issues and drinks too much too.

Have you worked with a therapist?

You sound like you are picking guys that have self esteem issues, or just have "issues" like you need to fix them, but they just treat you badly and you probably have low self esteem and deep inside don't feel you could do better.

Hi TacoQueen.
I am thinking let him break up with you, or break up with him. Being by yourself, working on yourself and finding out why you feel the way you do would be the best way to go.
Learn to like yourself and you probably wont make such sad choices.
Counseling of some type would probably be very helpful for you. It would help you understand why you make poor choices and put up with men who treat you badly.
Good luck

Next time, she strokes his hair, without a physically intimidating maneuver, could always run your fingers through his hair, look at her, look at him, and say, yes, he does have nice hair.
Hold back the desire to completely konk her, and see, if that gets the 'hands off' message through, to the both of them! ((that's unacceptable, in my book, too))

As far, as repeating patterns in relationships, takes a lot of work on thyself, to get to the core route of it all. Combination childhood, friendships, here and now. How, long, is too long, for you to survive, solo?

a day and i'm drunk crying on the floor haha haha