[Grey Matter]

I have difficulties understanding passive aggressiveness and why people use it as a communication tool. I am extremely straight forward. If someone I know is doing something I dislike or that is offending me/triggering me, I don't make ambiguous statements or posts on social media about it. I go straight to the core of the issue and say "what you're doing is hurting me and I think you need to stop". We talk about it, it clears up, the end.

I have this friend who moved away after school and we communicate mainly through text. Recently, I haven't been available to text back as often as I once was. For one, my phone was turned off for a bit because my bill was late. For another, I have been extremely busy handling family affairs, doctors appointments, and juggling work. All of which she was told about. She has recently been making, and I will say, blatantly over dramatic posts, about how its nice to "be ignored" and all of these other lovely over dramatic statements.

Last night I said enough was enough and contacted her, and not aggressively. I simply said "Hey, I don't know if those posts you're making are about me not being around as much. But you know if something I am doing is bothering you, you can always come to me."

She then said "Yes. It was about you. And I will make posts like that in the future.".... what? I literally just told her she can tell me anything, if a behavior of mine is bothering her so I can work on changing it, etc. It's as if this is her form of punishing me for something that is out of my control. The topper to it all was that few weeks ago she said "we can't be each others only friends 24/7" of which I agreed with.

I honestly have no idea how to handle passive aggressiveness. I told her she is being passive aggressive, and then she said I was attacking her. I do not understand. If you have an issue, be straightforward. What is the point in playground behavior?

[tinyrabbit]

I completely agree. I personally have gradually backed away from friendships like these as I just can't deal with it - and I don't think I should have to. Nor should you.

I'm not sure it can be handled, other than by setting a good example. But people who are passive aggressive often don't realise what they're doing is not good, and until they decide to change it's hard to do much about it.

[Grey Matter]

Yeah, I have lost many friends this year. This is one of my last friendships. And it's falling apart for what? To gain pity on the internet? It makes no damn sense to me.

I have a large amount of respect for the people I call my friends. Which means I do not "play" around like this. It's usually such a simple problem to solve that gets blown up all because it's easier to be stubborn about it then it is to talk about it.

I really have no time for this anymore. She has today to get her act together and speak to me like an adult or I am moving on.

[healingme4me]

It's not just PA behavior, it's cyber bullying, at it's finest.

Some people, who do have PA issues(on one hand, many people have some PA moments, and on the other hand, that's just how some people really are), use passive aggression, because they aren't as in tune to themselves, and hence the inability to be direct.

Anther 'life theory' I have on this, is that it's both learned and in-grained in them to do that.

Which brings me to something that came up, this year, in therapy, for myself. I asked my therapist, what is 'manipulation' and how can I tell, if 1)I use that behavior and 2)how to spot it right away, so that I can move away, or deal with that from others.

The explanation, (well, he actually used a conversation example to show the difference), summed down to, non-manipulation is 'direct, frank, to the point.' Manipulation, beats around the bush, spins in circles and isn't direct and to the point.

To me, posting on facebook, what she did, isn't just passive aggression, but it's also manipulative.

Young adult, is about where, we start drifting away from the friends that we had. Sorry, you are going through this.

[Grey Matter]

Thank you for bringing that up. It is manipulation in a sense. I told her last night I am turning my phone off today to give her time to think over what she needs and what she wants to tell me. She posts on tumblr how "everyone leaves" and "thanks a lot". I did not once state I was leaving. Rather, I gave her the space she seemed to want after picking fights, etc.

If you are a true friend of mine you know I don't just cut contact unless you've wronged me in some horrid way, or if I have committed a similar crime. I am not a mind reader. I cannot tell, from a different country, if something is going on if you don't tell me. We are adults. Talk to me like one. Treat me like one. And we can work it out. Be childish and jump to dramatic conclusions, and there is not working anything out.