[MakingChanges2013]

My mother is emotionally-dependent on me in an unhealthy way and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I have been living with my mom my entire life, and as desperately as I want to move out and get an apartment I just don't have the funds to afford it.

My mother told me when my father divorced her that I was "all she had". Ever since then she treats me like I'm her significant other. She wants to have dinner every single night, wants to know where I am at all times, prys into my business constantly. I confronted her about this recently, and since then she's backed off, but tonight she got upset because I "snapped at her". She asked me a question that I didn't have the answer to... all I said was "I don't know!". I might have said it in a uptight tone because I had just spent the last penny I had on my sick dog at the vet, but I didn't even say anything rude to her! She is so overly-sensitive. Everytime I'm not bubbly, cheery, bright and happy, she accuses me of being mean. I feel like I can't even be myself because I'm always walking on eggshells around her. Constantly worrying about making her UPSET.

It bothers me so much because I see my weakness in myself, and I feel that because she sheltered me so much and was so overly-nurturing. And this is a huge insecurity of mine. Everytime she acts weak and emotionally dependent on me, it reminds me that I have been that way to people, and it's something I absolutely pity in myself. I HATE that I take things so personal, and get offended so easily. I feel that it is so hard for me to grow with her around.

She just came in the room and wanted to "talk". I told her I can't deal with her being over-emotional anymore. I fear that I'm really going to say or do something some day that will really hurt her because I just can't stand walking on eggshells around her anymore. She is literally making me crazy.

I'm thankful for having a roof over my head and a mother that loves me, but this relationship is completely unhealthy and I feel like I'm getting emotionally sick from this.

I desperately need to get out of this house. I'm 28 years old and can't live with her anymore.

Somebody please help.

[curley]

Hi Making Changes, I think the fact that you are able to realize your own weakness or insecurity is a big step!
Since you say you can not afford to move out I am thinking that you may just have to have the "big talk" with mom. Explain to her that you would not hurt her for anything but that you need to make your own decisions, come up with your own ideas and do what you feel is right in whatever situation. Tell her you appreciate her input, but you need to do what you feel is the best for you, whether it be right or wrong. Mistake or no mistake or you will never learn. If she does not want you to be private about everything you do then she will have to accept your choices and let you grow. You need to find out for yourself that you can make wise decisions. And know that it is ok to fall down as long as you get back up.

[MakingChanges2013]

thanks so much, curley, for the advice. my mother definitely respects me being on my own journey, thankfully, so i know she would respond if i said i needed to make my own mistakes. i know, because i've actually had this conversation with her and she's already showed me that she will allow me to live my life, eff up, and to learn lessons for myself. so that is ONE good part of the situation. i was really upset when i wrote this initial post the other night, so it probably came out a lot more exaggerated and angry than it was.

it's more just a pitiful feeling that i have against myself. i feel like such a disgrace that i'm still living at home. like there is something wrong with me, or i'm incapable. i know that's not the case, i'm completely ready to live on my own, but that's how it feels.

and then when my mother gets on my case like she did the other night, it just makes it worse. deep down, i know she is just being a mom, and maybe she doesn't have many people in her life (which undeniably, is an unhealthy part of the situation). but it still drives me nuts being around her so much.

i did come up with a tentative idea of moving in with my father temporarily so mom and i don't drive each other nuts. i think i may end up pursuing that idea in the near future.