[tacoqueen1993]

this is a little long, but It's descriptive, I need all the advice I can get at this point considering I'm feeling rather hopeless and desperate :

a bit about my relationship and myself
Our arguments get out of hand fairly easily. I have been with him for almost a year now, we are living in a small apartment together I'm a student, and he just got employed. I have a fair amount of mental/emotional health problems and I get easily triggered. when I am triggered I feel like I have no control over what I say or do. especially if any way I feel like I'm being attacked, I lash out, sometimes get violent and suicidal . I have been in hospitals and incarcerated for my behaviour in the past.

my triggers are the following:

• cold bitter men.- after getting into an argument ignoring me, being hostile and defensive, not touching me, or giving me any sort of attention. (I think this comes from my ex, and step father) I hate the whole tough love thing. It makes me feel really alone, and hostile.
• jealously - It's is a hard thing for me to handle. When someone else is flirting with my partner and I feel like I am just in the background, he's not saying anything. I feel uncomfortable and awkward and like there's a complete disregard for my feelings going on. I almost feel myself wanting to snap and go into a jealous rage. Anyone touching my partner is also a trigger for me.
• Intimidation- cornering me, clenched fists, red face, pushing things near my head, grabbing me, crazy look in their eyes, stopping me from leaving, threats.
• Assuming, Accusing and Predicting my behavior - telling me I'm going to do something before I do. my parents used to do this to me a lot. So I would usually go out of my way to do exactly what they said I would do.
• S-L-U-T shaming, Victim Blaming (when it comes to rape)
• Mocking My Mental Disorders- telling me I'm lying, making up excuses to be a jerk, telling me I'm crazy for my behavior, trying to make me feel bad for things that are out of my control, giving me crap for not taking my medication (my parents used to do this and then force me to take them)
• Partner leaving during a heated argument, or just in general- I think this one really stems from daddy issues, and feeling abandoned a lot of the time when I was younger. It just makes me panic and go to desperate lengths to get that person to stay.

My boyfriend does every single on of these exception of one. (victim blaming-s-l-ut-shaming) I have told him from the start my triggers. I have been very open and honest with him. He keeps making up excuses. this morning we got into a huge fight. He was working an over night shift He came home at 7 oclock, I had only got to sleep at around 4 am. He cuddled with me for a bit I asked him how is day went he said it was a ****** first day of a work, and I told him I only got to sleep at 4 am. He got up and started making breakfast, I just wanted to go back to sleep. We just moved into this place, and It's a pretty small one bedroom apartment. He came into the room turned the lights on to set the alarm, sat on the computer for a bit, and picked a documentary to watch I was like "URGH WHY ARE THE LIGHTS ON I JUST WANT TO SLEEP". I could hear his eggs sizzling as I was trying to sleep. I got fed up woke up and went into the kitchen for a moment, he asked me if i wanted any food, and I told him " no I just want to ****ing sleep. He started getting really hostile and defensive and over dramatic very quickly. "FINE I'LL GO EAT IN THE LIVING ROOM, SOOOORRRY THAT I HAD TO WORK, AND I'M HUNGRY AND WANT TO EAT" (I never said he couldn't eat, or had to eat in the living room considering how that would be unfair because we don't even have a couch yet i was just trying to show him how badly i wanted to sleep and hint that he was keeping me up. " I WON'T GO TO WORK ANYMORE IF THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN FINE I'LL PUT MY FOOD IN THE FRIDGE" never said he had to do that either. he came back into the room layed down didn't say a word, didn't touch me. I hate going to bed mad at each other. I can't stand it. So I got really mad because I was too angry to go to sleep at that point. I got up flipped the fan over turned on the lights, slammed things around, and was like "fine f you too" and I went to the kitchen and he stormed in with his fists clenched shaking he looked like he wanted to hit me. Our kitchen is really REALLY small and narrow and I was standing by the stove so I felt extremely attacked. I then followed him to the living room grabbed him to yell at him, and he picked me up and started yelling at me saying "DONT FKING HIT ME" i was already triggered at the point so I was easily sent off the edge. We were going back and forth bickering until I just went on the computer and ignored him. Then he started going on about how I'm trying to justify my triggers (even though this something I have spoke to him about many times and he told me he would be more sensitive towards my triggers" and then he started becoming really affectionate after sitting there being like " what are you going to do hit me again" " what are you going to do sit on the computer and talk crap about me to your friends" (another trigger of mine) he started hugging me from behind being like" babe come talk to me" and i shrugged it off at first, and eventually sat down with him. he then started mentioning how he has triggers too. but he has never once told me that. He said when I have a dismissive attitude to things that triggers him. I really don't see how me wanting to sleep and being annoyed is triggering. AND IF he does have triggers it not my fault I trigger him because he never wants to be open and honest with me in the first place and I can't read his mind. Thats unfair of him no ?

I feel like he isn't taking my triggers seriously, and when he does trigger me and I do freak out I feel like he tries to make out to be this monster. when I have told him I don't like act this way, and How i react to certain things. I have too much going on for me right now I start school next week, and I have a biospy which I'm really nervous for , so much stress level is ALREADY high so i don't need to be fighting all weekend. It seems like when I try to talk to him it goes no where. Before he used to always go on about how I needed to change, and then he finally admitted he needed to change too. He keeps telling me he's trying but I have seen no progress. I don't know what to do, nothing seems to be working. I love him to death but I feel so god damn hopeless. I was actually going to go professional help today, but now I'm too damn tired to do anything I wanted to. I just feel so drained and stuck emotionally. what should i do, what should i say, do i have a right to feel like this or am i "just crazy"