[missinformed]

I discovered my boyfriend of several years has a relationship with another woman. He has been acting differently with me for months and I could see him slipping into some kind of depression. He told me in the beginning he was bi polar but was not medicated and that he worked out everyday and that helped him control his emotions. Well his working out has also created a monster. He is on anabolic steroids, taking Ambien at night to sleep on top of Advil PM and now is drinking. He developed a relationship with a younger woman at the gym he uses and to what extent i am not sure. He says he loves me and had I not caught them (she uploaded a video of him working out on her Youtube page) I would have never known. Here is my problem, he is not taking any responsibility. He says we were not getting along and that he does love me and he has now told her he cannot do this and is distancing himself from her, BUT when I try and discuss it he turns it around to be my fault and then gets very verbally abusive and says he is sick of both of us. I want to think he is having a manic episode because he is always talking about how he looks and how much weight he did at the gym and taking up with complete strangers and having long conversations and seems to be more sexually aggressive. He is acting like he is the MAN and if something was wrong it is someone elses fault. His close guy friend was critical of him and he went off and told him he no longer wanted to be friends. He dog (which is like his child) is also been diagnosed with cancer and not doing well with the chemo.

I am not trying to excuse what he has done to me OR find a reason to take him back. I am seeing a totally different man than what I fell in love with. Is he truly sick now OR just a cheating asshole. Sorry for the long thread....

[kaliope]

steroids will make someone aggressive and unpredictable. bipolar will affect moods so both are probably playing a role in the choices he is making. it is probably best that he is out of your life if he is refusing to get treatment. take care.

[hamster-bamster]

I agree with Kaliope.

The guy, even if unmedicated, should be monitored. Someone prescribed him Ambien but it doesn't seem to be the case that that MD thoroughly examined him. I don't take Ambien but I know that it is a serious drug, but is not sufficient for him since he adds Advil PM, and that may mean that he is trying hard to suppress mania. I certainly don't think that he could even be called unmedicated. No, he is self-medicating by mixing an OTC drug and a prescription drug. Plus anabolic steroids. Plus alcohol. If it is at all possible to get rid of him, I think you should do so. Tell him that you have changed your mind about the girl at the gym. Tell him that you have given the matter a serious consideration and realized that you, unfortunately, can't support him in his passion. You find repeated mentions of his looks dumb. Plus, you have tried to develop an interest in listening about how much weight he is lifting, but failed. You realize that you cannot give him what he deserves (admiration and awe) and sincerely hope that the girl at the gym, since she was excited about his workouts, would be a far better partner for him. Ciao (ie good riddance but do not say it out loud).

[missinformed]

Originally Posted by kaliope

steroids will make someone aggressive and unpredictable. bipolar will affect moods so both are probably playing a role in the choices he is making. it is probably best that he is out of your life if he is refusing to get treatment. take care.

Thank you for your reply. I know you are right. I love him but I see no going back now and having any kind of relationship going forward. I know this woman is just a "ego stroke".

[Perna]

Originally Posted by missinformed

Here is my problem, he is not taking any responsibility.

Not your problem, his. He has decided to make choices not conducive to a partnership with you? I would leave/kick him out. The problem with blaming things on an illness is that no one holds a gun to the alcoholic's head, making them walk into the liquor store and buy alcohol and drink it. The same is true about his alleged bi-polar self and getting medical help for it rather than self-medicating and otherwise taking known illegal and harmful substances for his own purposes. At some point he has to self-destruct. I would not choose to be around when that happens. If you love him, give him a boundary ("Get off the roids and other self-medicating, find competent medical help and discontinue any relationship with younger woman or I'm/you're out of here") and follow through.

[missinformed]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I agree with Kaliope.

The guy, even if unmedicated, should be monitored. Someone prescribed him Ambien but it doesn't seem to be the case that that MD thoroughly examined him. I don't take Ambien but I know that it is a serious drug, but is not sufficient for him since he adds Advil PM, and that may mean that he is trying hard to suppress mania. I certainly don't think that he could even be called unmedicated. No, he is self-medicating by mixing an OTC drug and a prescription drug. Plus anabolic steroids. Plus alcohol. If it is at all possible to get rid of him, I think you should do so. Tell him that you have changed your mind about the girl at the gym. Tell him that you have given the matter a serious consideration and realized that you, unfortunately, can't support him in his passion. You find repeated mentions of his looks dumb. Plus, you have tried to develop an interest in listening about how much weight he is lifting, but failed. You realize that you cannot give him what he deserves (admiration and awe) and sincerely hope that the girl at the gym, since she was excited about his workouts, would be a far better partner for him. Ciao (ie good riddance but do not say it out loud).

Yes he is overly medicated but not when it comes to his bi polar. He always thought the exercise could control it. He is 49 and I am sure a 32 year old who worships his workout skills was hard to turn down. Either way, he is bad for me and I do believe he will "wake up" and realize what he has lost (thrown away). He is to into his body and ego and the fact he still says he loves me I guess in his mind should forgive his treatment of me. It is so messed up between us its ridiculous. I was planning to move there and be with him until the gym girl told off on him. So glad I did not make such a major life change and then find out about his deception. I do wonder though if he has any remorse for his treatment of me and IF in any way this is characteristic with someone who is bi polar. I guess I am trying to gain an understanding of this disease. Thank you so much for some insight.

[missinformed]

Originally Posted by Perna

Not your problem, his. He has decided to make choices not conducive to a partnership with you? I would leave/kick him out. The problem with blaming things on an illness is that no one holds a gun to the alcoholic's head, making them walk into the liquor store and buy alcohol and drink it. The same is true about his alleged bi-polar self and getting medical help for it rather than self-medicating and otherwise taking known illegal and harmful substances for his own purposes. At some point he has to self-destruct. I would not choose to be around when that happens. If you love him, give him a boundary ("Get off the roids and other self-medicating, find competent medical help and discontinue any relationship with younger woman or I'm/you're out of here") and follow through.

Yes, I left him and he is having trouble dealing with that but I am sticking to my guns. I love him very much but this is NOT the man ( or so I thought) I fell in love with. I am not sure who this man is. Its very sad in that he was my best friend. What have I really lost if he was someone who would do this to me? - nothing