The previous 2 boyfriends I have been with during the past 5 years were not particularly a ‘match’ for me pa se, I just wanted to feel less lonely & wanted to do something about my generally low self esteem.
Now that I have learnt that, & regardless of what the media will push onto us all, depending on someone else to fulfil your emotional needs DOES NOT bring real lasting happiness to you or the person involved, I want to meet someone who will be there, and want & love the entire ‘me’.
However, Two things will occur about two circumstances:
The first is, if I happen to see someone either online or face to face who likes me; the way I look, not sure if they like the real ‘me’, and wants to meet I get apprehensive & frightened & immediately choose to not let them in.
The second is, if I happen to see someone I actually like the look of I will be myself more (as in not put an ‘impressive’ act on) but as soon as they want to know more about me I urm and I ahh & I keep them slightly at a distance.
I have something up with my bowel. It doesn’t work exactly as it should because I used to hold my stool, (I still don’t know to this day why I did this at potty training age) and between the ages of 5-15 I’ve had a generally slow passage of waste and I assume; a megacolon and megarectum. All of this of course has unnerved and upset me over the years.
Because I was bullied throughout my whole school-life & had some home problems, I assume, still so to a degree, that I am unlovable, a burden, & won’t be wanted for who I really am.
A couple of weeks ago I had a panic attack concluding a stressful few weeks (in terms of jobhunting & losing a few old friends) where I also kept family & friends at a great distance, wishing to ‘deal with everything’ that was occurring both in the external world and the world; feelings & thoughts, in my head. 5 months ago I also had a period of 2 months where I struggled to eat, drink, wash properly or go out of the house because I was feeling very low. So as you may see I am susceptible to depressive episodes & stress affecting me.
I don’t even know where to meet guys who are decent. I’ve tried POF but I don’t like many of the lads on there. I’d rather meet someone out in the ‘real’ world as well, but because my self esteem, albeit having raised-up slightly since previous years at the height of my illness, still has drops & I feel inadequate & like I want to keep away, it’s going to be hard to find a person who won’t also have low self esteem & issues like my exes did; Like attracts Like.

[Travelinglady]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central! I would encourage you to seek out some therapy to help you to work through your issues. I found it very helpful for relationships.