[lonely_girl88]

im 25 years old, and i care too much about others and what they think of me, and i do not know why. i always try to please everybody, because i know that it is the best way to maintain peace in every environment. i'll admit that it gets frustrating at time. but like, saturday evening at work out boss got mad at my coworker (and honestly, i was glad because she gets many chances and gets away many times. i always try my best to do everything freaking single thing right!! and when i make ONE mistake, i'm scolded for it on the same day!) the boss told her not to come to work sunday, i volunteered to work on sunday, although i don't work on sundays and i was tired and all. wednesday when that coworker came to work she was i don't know.... mad at me?? but she did not talk to me all day wednesday!! she talked to our other coworker really nice, sticking up on her (and when she's ready, she'll bad talk that coworker and act like she doesn't like that. I HATE HER TWO-FACED, HYPOCRITICAL WAYS!!) and today she hardly talked to me, she only talked to me when necessary, and she was still idk mad at me? and the boss didn't come, so i was alone, because that coworker spoke only to the one she sometimes bad talk, and even that coworker had an attitude towards me. but the thing is that i did not tell anything of them anything or do them anything that warranted this! oh, and the boss is my sister.

but despite that, i don't get any special treatment! when i do something wrong, i get scolded. i had nothing to do with my coworker getting scolded at on saturday. but it bothered me all day and night yesterday/last night, and today. i mean, i try my best to be nice to everyone, to please everyone, i agree with everything, and still everything falls back on me. i'm the one left out, it 's so frustrating, and the overthinking didn't help, i got so frustrated that i cried. work was so crappy today, because i felt that they were against me. what more am i supposed to do?? i am getting tired of everything and life, i even cut myself tonight, i'm just so fed up :'( then because of other things i think that i'm worthless and serve no purpose. because honestly, i don't think that i have a freaking purpose in this stupid world.

[healingme4me]

I feel it's the excluded factor. I care to know, why I am excluded, as in, if it's something about my demeanor, way I present myself, that leads to exclusion, then I want the ability, to correct anything that warrants it. Or, if it's just nothing, then why exclude? Or is it, in your case, political, in a way? To others, just because you are the bosses sister, it could be presumed, that you are on the bosses side, hence, the ignore you, pay attention to the one she badmouths. Whether it was conscious or subconscious.

Hope your next day at work, goes better.

[lonely_girl88]

actually, i'll always take the boss's side or the person in authority, whether they're related to me or not, because people are untrustworthy and i can't depend on anybody to back me up. so why must i back up someone who may never back me up? every person for his/herself. and it's not so much as being on that person's side or not, as leaving that person to fend for themselves. i wasn't taking her side, so much as i was taking nobody's side. i'm not going to back up my coworker or anybody, by my parents and brother, when nobody is to be trusted to return the favour. my first post also applies to situations in general too, i over-think almost anything that went wrong, or that i did or said wrong and it's like my thoughts wouldn't leave me alone! i've always been nice, but still, it's like i'm doomed, like nothing goes my way. i might as well be a mean person with an attitude since everything seems to be in the favour of those people, and everybody seems to like those people.

[possum220]

I used to believe that the 11th commandment was "Thou shalt be nice". It is a very draining way to live life.

Just be yourself, who ever that is. If other people want to be jerks, let them. Maybe time to find another job and find one that you actually enjoy.

[BLUEDOVE]

Oh,I know THIS behavior! It is 'Pleasing Behavior'.
And I cannot tell you how much pain and misery it
caused me all my life. It stems from our childhood
when we tried to gain love+affection from our
parents,and mostly not getting it! Sooo,we carry
this into our adult life making the world at large
surrogate parents (please,like me,look how good I
am doing you favors). It is a degrading way to exist. Even after I read this in black+white,the
compulsion was so powerful I was STILL doing it!
The solution? Get some books on self-esteem and
assertiveness, and right now,you could write out
particular incidents of it,and asking self why,and is
it worth it. People SEE this behavior as you thinking so little of yourself,that THEY also think
so little of you! You are worth more than you think,
please make self DO something to eradicate it.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[Fuzzybear]

I'm going to let you know what my take on this is and hope it helps. When I looked inward I realized that it wasn't really about what others may think about me. It was really all about what I thought about me. Maybe some strange form of projection.
It sounds like you may have other problems as well.

[lonely_girl88]

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

Oh,I know THIS behavior! It is 'Pleasing Behavior'.
And I cannot tell you how much pain and misery it
caused me all my life. It stems from our childhood
when we tried to gain love+affection from our
parents,and mostly not getting it! Sooo,we carry
this into our adult life making the world at large
surrogate parents (please,like me,look how good I
am doing you favors). It is a degrading way to exist. Even after I read this in black+white,the
compulsion was so powerful I was STILL doing it!
The solution? Get some books on self-esteem and
assertiveness, and right now,you could write out
particular incidents of it,and asking self why,and is
it worth it. People SEE this behavior as you thinking so little of yourself,that THEY also think
so little of you! You are worth more than you think,
please make self DO something to eradicate it.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

but i've always had a close and good relationship with my parents, and i still do. they've always been loving and supporting, the best parents i could ever ask for, really. but i do have a pleasing nature, i think. i always want to please everybody, always want to get along well with everybody, kind of want everybody to like me, always agreeing with people so that they do not get pissed. but it's tiring and frustrating sometimes

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lonely_girl88

i might as well be a mean person with an attitude since everything seems to be in the favour of those people, and everybody seems to like those people.

You can still be a nice person and have an attitude

Why do you feel, everyone is untrustworthy? Untrustworthy, to do, be what precisely?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

Oh,I know THIS behavior! It is 'Pleasing Behavior'.
And I cannot tell you how much pain and misery it
caused me all my life. It stems from our childhood
when we tried to gain love+affection from our
parents,and mostly not getting it! Sooo,we carry
this into our adult life making the world at large
surrogate parents (please,like me,look how good I
am doing you favors). It is a degrading way to exist. Even after I read this in black+white,the
compulsion was so powerful I was STILL doing it!

Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

I am glad, you put 'mostly' not getting it. On the other hand, for those who got it, it was actually ingrained as positive reinforcement. My mom, more than myself, was guilty, guilty, of overextending herself. The desire to be viewed as loveable was an overpowering part of her existence. She was well liked, definitely, but the closer connections seemed fewer and farther between. It trickled down to myself, as a matter of smile, be friendly, your likeability is a reflection on me. As I grew into a more cynical, but friendly person, it was different for her, yet, she admired my ability to assert. Not that she couldn't, she had her moments of assertion, but the way my life played out, I ended up with the stronger backbone and ability to be that independent woman. Could be generational, as well, between herself and me, on that note.

People pleasing, comes from both negative and positive reinforcement. So, it happens in families where we were appreciated and families where we could do no right.

I agree, about esteem building skills and books, there so much out there. Picking and choosing by what applies to your own upbringing.

[lonely_girl88]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

You can still be a nice person and have an attitude

Why do you feel, everyone is untrustworthy? Untrustworthy, to do, be what precisely?

untrustworthy as in people always have a hidden agenda. it's hard to explain :/ but i feel and know that the only people i can trust and who will have my back are my parents. but everybody else is just waiting for me to trip.... it's like i try to be nice, and i get taken advantage of, all the time. whenever i do something good, that never seems to be notice. but when i make a mistake, that is noticed. i just want to be like everyone else, and not feel left out and odd all of the time.

[lonely_girl88]

Originally Posted by George H.

I'm going to let you know what my take on this is and hope it helps. When I looked inward I realized that it wasn't really about what others may think about me. It was really all about what I thought about me. Maybe some strange form of projection.
It sounds like you may have other problems as well.

i'm not sure what exactly you meant by - "It was really all about what I thought about me. Maybe some strange form of projection."

but it's like, if people don't see me as them, they aren't going to accept me. i feel like i've to adapt to everyone's different ways to fit in. it can be so frustrating, and combined with feeling empty and hopeless because of reasons makes everything more frustrating.

Let me try it another way. I felt a lot of the things you related in your first post. I or some part of me disguised that... made me believe other people were thinking badly of me. I'm not sure now that really applies to your situation since it wasn't necessarily about pleasing other people.
Anyway the most important thing is what you think of yourself. People are going to think what they think and you may not even know their reasons. If you set yourself up to be a door mat there are plenty of people who are going to be very willing to use you for that. You mentioned being a mean person with an attitude.
There is a very wide space you can occupy between the people pleaser and the mean person with attitude. Also everybody definitely does not like mean people with an attitude. You don't have to take sides in these workplace squabbles. You don't have to back anyone up. The only side you have to take is yours. Be true to yourself and the rest of it will fall into place. That doesn't mean everything will be perfect... it just makes for a lot less frustration and confusion.

Originally Posted by lonely_girl88

i'm not sure what exactly you meant by - "It was really all about what I thought about me. Maybe some strange form of projection."

but it's like, if people don't see me as them, they aren't going to accept me. i feel like i've to adapt to everyone's different ways to fit in. it can be so frustrating, and combined with feeling empty and hopeless because of reasons makes everything more frustrating.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lonely_girl88

untrustworthy as in people always have a hidden agenda. it's hard to explain :/ but i feel and know that the only people i can trust and who will have my back are my parents. but everybody else is just waiting for me to trip.... it's like i try to be nice, and i get taken advantage of, all the time. whenever i do something good, that never seems to be notice. but when i make a mistake, that is noticed. i just want to be like everyone else, and not feel left out and odd all of the time.

This reminds me, of this conversation, I just had the other day, with someone(irl). It was about a friends work. She'd double checked something with HR, and realized her direct supervisor had neglected to tell her about one form. That turned into a discussion about 'hidden agenda.' My thought, was that, perhaps it was an innocent omission, due to, perhaps, ignorance of knowledge. So here now, you've got this supervisor now, being viewed as wanting nothing more for this person, to fail, when, in fact, perhaps this supervisor, just didn't know protocol, all for not double checking with those higher up. Hence, my use, of the word, ignorance. Ignorance, in this context, being less negative of a word, than what usually comes to mind. And, here, you've got this employee, who has serious doubts about her boss' intentions towards her. Truly, not a healthy mindset to be in.

On, a personal level, what is it, that leaves you feeling left out and odd, all the time? Could, this mistrust that you have of everyone else, be giving off this 'vibe'? It's human, to sense of others, that they won't get close, ever.

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

Oh,I know THIS behavior! It is 'Pleasing Behavior'. And I cannot tell you how much pain and misery it
caused me all my life... It is a degrading way to exist. Even after I read this in black+white,the compulsion was so powerful I was STILL doing it!
The solution? Get some books on self-esteem and assertiveness, and right now,you could write out particular incidents of it,and asking self why,and is
it worth it. People SEE this behavior as you thinking so little of yourself,that THEY also think so little of you! You are worth more than you think,
please make self DO something to eradicate it. Deepest Respect, BLUEDOVE

I'm reading the posts here and I don't know what lonely girl (the OP) thinks, but I'm getting that you people think it's somehow "wrong" to be nice. It's "wrong" to try to get along with people in the workplace and adjust yourself according to the personality type you're dealing with. I don't think one has to prove themselves by being a ______!

What kind of person sees someone that is agreeable as thinking little of themselves? Maybe they just want to get along and don't find a need to start trouble in the workplace. Maybe, just maybe, they don't feel as "little" of themselves as you think.

If indeed you did meet someone who thought "little" of themselves, why in the world would YOU (meaning anyone really) think little of them back?? Why wouldn't you think they are humble and kind? If someone thinks they are so wonderful or better than you (highly unlikely they are but let's assume), then why wouldn't THEY be the bigger the person and return the kindness to YOU. Why would they have to glower their righteousness all over you and continuously look for your mistakes? I'm sure you can find mistakes by them also.

Anyone can be a ______! in the workplace or in life in general. I'm sure Lonely Girl can learn if that's what it will take to wake people up. But it takes someone with a lot of patience and insight to try to get along with all kinds of different personality types (including the _____'s of the world). It's sad that Lonely Girl can't be who she is and be respected as such. Maybe the problem is not solely with Lonely Girl. Ever think of that?

The world is changing for the worse in my opinion. Just my take on this. Another way of looking at things if you can be open to it.

Well, no not really because it's a problem for her and she asked for help. I certainly would not advise anyone to be a b (or a d) or advise them to develop an attitude. Just trying to help her find her way.
I see conformity and groupthink as anathema. I guess we all see life differently.

[lonely_girl88]

Originally Posted by Sadendings

I'm reading the posts here and I don't know what lonely girl (the OP) thinks, but I'm getting that you people think it's somehow "wrong" to be nice. It's "wrong" to try to get along with people in the workplace and adjust yourself according to the personality type you're dealing with. I don't think one has to prove themselves by being a ______!

What kind of person sees someone that is agreeable as thinking little of themselves? Maybe they just want to get along and don't find a need to start trouble in the workplace. Maybe, just maybe, they don't feel as "little" of themselves as you think.

If indeed you did meet someone who thought "little" of themselves, why in the world would YOU (meaning anyone really) think little of them back?? Why wouldn't you think they are humble and kind? If someone thinks they are so wonderful or better than you (highly unlikely they are but let's assume), then why wouldn't THEY be the bigger the person and return the kindness to YOU. Why would they have to glower their righteousness all over you and continuously look for your mistakes? I'm sure you can find mistakes by them also.

Anyone can be a ______! in the workplace or in life in general. I'm sure Lonely Girl can learn if that's what it will take to wake people up. But it takes someone with a lot of patience and insight to try to get along with all kinds of different personality types (including the _____'s of the world). It's sad that Lonely Girl can't be who she is and be respected as such. Maybe the problem is not solely with Lonely Girl. Ever think of that?

The world is changing for the worse in my opinion. Just my take on this. Another way of looking at things if you can be open to it.

thanks for your opinion. and i understand what you and others are trying to say. all of you have some good points/suggestions that i do intend to try out, and i will. but i guess in the end, there's no right or wrong answer, huh? but one thing's for sure, the world is indeed changing

i just don't want to always be the weird one who feels left out and odd all the time.... it'll be nice if someone likes me and don't expect me to change in every way. i mean, i know that i must change in some ways, it's like that for everybody. but idk, i just want to be me, and be accepted/liked for being me by others, that is not my parents and close relatives. it's hard and frustrating sometimes having to adapt to everyone's way in order to be accepted or feel part of something or a conversation. but i guess in life, we all have to adapt to everyone....

[lonely_girl88]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

This reminds me, of this conversation, I just had the other day, with someone(irl). It was about a friends work. She'd double checked something with HR, and realized her direct supervisor had neglected to tell her about one form. That turned into a discussion about 'hidden agenda.' My thought, was that, perhaps it was an innocent omission, due to, perhaps, ignorance of knowledge. So here now, you've got this supervisor now, being viewed as wanting nothing more for this person, to fail, when, in fact, perhaps this supervisor, just didn't know protocol, all for not double checking with those higher up. Hence, my use, of the word, ignorance. Ignorance, in this context, being less negative of a word, than what usually comes to mind. And, here, you've got this employee, who has serious doubts about her boss' intentions towards her. Truly, not a healthy mindset to be in.

On, a personal level, what is it, that leaves you feeling left out and odd, all the time? Could, this mistrust that you have of everyone else, be giving off this 'vibe'? It's human, to sense of others, that they won't get close, ever.

i'm a bit of a quiet person, and sometimes i don't enjoy what others are talking about. and i get bored easily. like idk, i could never keep a friend for long. i'm always like, if i gotta do all the work in a friendship, and the other person does nothing, then i don't want to be friends. i get bored easily it's like sometimes i don't know to be a friend, but i do? honestly, it's hard to explain. i don't think that people knows or sense that i don't trust them? plus, like i said, i try to be nice, so they'll be nice back. and people can't just expect me to trust them as soon as i meet them, that's not how it works :/ and back in primary and high school, i was bullied a bit :/ (i know bullying here, is nothing like bullying in america and england. it's small thing compared to bullying in those countries, so i never mention that.) and i was used by classmates, and i'll think that they were my friends, but they weren't. so i thought that everybody is like that. i mean, people being all genuine and kind is probably a fairy-tale thing anyway. these days everybody is so sometime-ish, and different - one way today, another way tomorrow. can you honestly tell me that you don't get frustrated by that sometimes?

@ george h. i don't take sides, at least i try not to. because usually, both parties are well in the end, and could end up turning against that one person, you know? and it just seems that everybody like the mean person, with the bad attitude, and everything works out for them, etc....

thanks everyone for replying to my posts. i understand what you were all trying to say, and i'll attempt the suggestions/advice offered sorry for being a bother though.