[Hole Hearted]

First of all, thanks so much for listening to me whine.

I am a 45 year old Mom. I have a wonderful husband and a great business and life. Everything would be perfect if (isn't there always SOMETHING???) I had a different Mother.

Her Father was a master of cold, emotional manipulation. M has alienated her sister, will absolutely not forgive her for whatever transgressions were past. She has no relationship with any of my cousins. No friends to speak of. My two brothers have never married nor had children or serious relationships and they are almost in their 40s. She never fails to tell me what a horrible child I was (busting curfew, boy craziness, mouthiness, you know REALLY bad stuff), and bring up horribly embarrassing moments in my life over and over again. She has not told me she loves me in over ten years, and really only said it when I was on her good side.

M hates my husband and will not even allow him in the house. Her reasoning is that he is too short (5'8), not rich enough (he was making over $100K when we met - now he is a wonderful stay at home Dad, and I am so very lucky!! My Dad loves my husband, but will not stick up for us with M, because he wants peace in his house. I was incredibly fortunate that he gave me the family business solely, and thus, the monetary power to have my own life and to be very comfortable in the future. But sometimes that isn't enough, you know?

I was married once before, and he manifested a bi-polar personality AFTER we were married. I did not want to marry him because he LEFT me to run back home when we were engaged. When I told M I had doubts, she told me she had already put down hefty deposits (this wedding was about HER showcasing, not about me), so I went through with it. Well, he ended up leaving again, this time when I was 6 months pregnant. He signed over full control to me, and I have never seen him again. My current husband has been in my daughter's life since she was 22 months - and he adopted her shortly thereafter. We had another child together, but since this child is from "him" meaning my current husband, she totally ignores this innocent little girl. Her reasoning is that since my older daughter was abandoned by her father, she has to make up for it.

So I have been putting up with this crap out of guilt of depriving my daughter of her grandmother, whilst trying to explain that grandma is strange to my littlest. What a balancing act this is. I am just so entwined with M and my Dad being in the business, if I just wait 5 more years, I won't have to deal with her anymore because my eldest girl will be an adult, and she has said the same to me - that she will end all contact with me. Fine. What can I do????

M loves to regale me with comments like when I was walking to school she hoped that someone would abduct me. (and yeah, I turned out normal. A wonder, eh?) And how because of me being such a horrible kid, my brother had tics growing up. I love my brothers, but they really don't want to talk about it either.

I am just at an impasse. There is so much more, but I am making myself nauseated.

[Travelinglady]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central! I don't think you ever did anything to deserve the treatment you are getting but not being your mother's puppet/slave, etc. It sounds like your brothers knuckled under, but you were able to grow up and establish your own life. And she didn't want that!

I doubt you could ever marry anybody that she would approve of. Obviously her reasons for rejecting your daughter and your husband are ridiculous.

I am no expert, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that your mother has a personality disorder or two. She certainly doesn't sound normal to me, anyway.

I suggest you read the book "Toxic Parents." Meanwhile, please know that you will never be able to totally please your mom. I am wondering why your daughter is indicating she will reject you.

Have you had any counseling? I have had somewhat similar mother issues, and I found counseling to be my lifesaver. Please don't let this woman ruin your life.

[Hole Hearted]

Thank you so much!!