bf keeps triggering me. scared things are going to get bad again

Me and my boyfriend fight a lot. I have certain triggers that send me over the edge (ignoring me, not being affectionate, being bitter cold and hostile)
we got in to a fight after drinking, i was in a depressed mood, and i felt like hurting myself again. Everything felt really bleak and I was having flashbacks of my crappy past. He called my ex boyfriend who is also a really good friend of mine to help me feel better, I talked to him, and I apologized for hurting him, and I went on about how I was sorry for breaking his heart, and nobody has understood me like he has. My boyfriend over heard sat on the kitchen floor and wouldn't talk to me after the phone call. I was already in a bad frame of mind so it just sent me over the edge.

I went in to the bathroom hurt myself, left, went to the bar to try to find a smoke, someone who offered me a smoke was like whoah what happened to your neck. I got back to the apartment my boyfriend and I fought, and he ended up cleaning my cuts. the cops knocked on the door. someone called but they wouldn't tell us who, they thought that he hit me, once i told them i did it to myself they brought me the hospital, my boyfriend came with me. I was pretty calm by the time they got there. I felt like freaking out a bit when I realized I couldn't leave until I seen a doctor. I was worried I was going to have to stay the night in a psych-ward I really just wanted to go home and go to sleep. I litterally felt like my life was a scene from Girl Interrupted last night. My arm hurts, and neck hurts and I'm sleeping on a deflated crappy mattress In a trashed apartment. The landlord called my bf this morning and told him if the cops show up here again they are going to evict us.

I also hallucinated last night drunk my pockets looked like they had a very detailed face, I think I was triggered last night (because of the last time i was raped) I just feel like crap mentally. I am constantly anxious when I'm outside. I don't sleep or eat much anymore. I'm just tired of feeling this way, and I feel like I'm not getting any help. Me and my boyfriend are always stressed out, and drinking is only the really way we can both get out of our heads for a night relax and have fun. but it always end up being a bad night, and we both wake up broke. I feel like my relationship is falling apart. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel so emotionally drained. I know I'm draining my boyfriend. I know he is trying to do everything he can, and give me everything I need. But it doesn't feel like its enough sometimes. I just need to be held right now, and told Im cared about.
urgh I feel like crying constantly. My family doesn't talk to me anymore. I have barely have any friends. I just feel so weak. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hmm, I think the first thing you need to do is to stop drinking. You should be able to enjoy each others company without alcohol. You two seem to have a volatile relationship-I don't know you, but it doesn't sound like you two are good fro each other- Maybe taking a break will help? Are you seeing a therapist or anyone for support?

taking a break wouldn't help anything. we live together, and I depend on him for everything. Not at this moment I'm trying to see someone for help. but at this point I'm just playing the waiting game