[ladyred7]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. We came from different past relationships were he had maybe sex two times a year; and me about 5-6 times a week, so when we got together it was a harsh transition. We've progressed, but recently it's been different. He seems un-willing and he's actually told me he isn't wanting to, and when we do rarely, he has no interest. Well I finally asked him a suspicion of mine today and I'm not sure if I should be to concerned for our relationship. I watch porn, I would never ask him to stop either, but when he answered with that he watches it almost 6 times a day? Is that a lot? How would I talk to him about it? Please it's starting to seriously effect us.

[hamster-bamster]

It is a lot - not the number "6", but that he is unwilling with you. I think 6 is even a high number as an absolute figure - meaning, if an unpartnered guy ejaculated 6 times each day, I would wonder when he finds time for everything else in his life, but a partnered guy preferring ejaculating to porn to having partner sex is egregious. I have no advice as I have never been in your situation, so I just want to validate your expectations as normal and suggest that what he is doing is not normal.

I think your partner has a sex addiction. I don't know how I would even manage to watch porn 6 times a day, unless they are bite-sized portions of porn or something.

[middie]

Your partner needs to seek help for this with a therapist.

There are underlying reasons as to why he is doing this in preference to a sexual relationship with you. Only he knows the answers and he needs to work with a therapist to sort it out.

You could both see a relationship counsellor too.

What you must not do is start to think this is somehow a reflection upon you and take it personally, and let it attack your self esteem or confidence. This is his problem and he needs to address it himself. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and seek help. You can explain to him the impact it is having on your relationship......without close intimacy between you both then there is no relationship.

This may have started as a healthy boost to his libido......however, it has turned into a very unhealthy addiction, that is clearly having a detrimental affect on your relationship.

Good luck with things......sending you a hug x

[Koko2]

If he was having sex twice a year in his previous relationship, it's probably a safe bet that his porn habits started way before his relationship with you. That mode of satisfaction was likely ingrained in him, so it will be an adjustment for him to make if this relationship will work. Was he having sex twice a year by choice in the previous relationship, or was his partner unwilling to have sex?

[roger2014]

I can tell you my experience with this issue
as a guy.

Certain adult films make me ejaculate much
quicker than with a girl, where it has been
an issue of not being able to keep erect
Long enough to finish the job. You can
Imagine this can create embarrssing
situations in the bedroom.

A doctor told me its not a hormone issue
since I get super erect from porn, but an
Intimacy issue. I will get hard initially
When she goes down on me and during
oral seems I finish quickly, but during Penetration
is a problem.

Porn creates an Escape that is often unrealistic,
Because certain positions dont work so well
in real life. either the girl is not into it or can't
Handle it like an actress who is trained would.

So solution is know your BF 's trigger points...Does
he erect quicker in certain techniques you use
vs others?

Once you know what drives him wild in bed,
And vice versa, neither of you will need porn
But will crave each other.

[middie]

Originally Posted by middie

Your partner needs to seek help for this with a therapist.

There are underlying reasons as to why he is doing this in preference to a sexual relationship with you. Only he knows the answers and he needs to work with a therapist to sort it out.

You could both see a relationship counsellor too.

What you must not do is start to think this is somehow a reflection upon you and take it personally, and let it attack your self esteem or confidence. This is his problem and he needs to address it himself. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and seek help. You can explain to him the impact it is having on your relationship......without close intimacy between you both then there is no relationship.

This may have started as a healthy boost to his libido......however, it has turned into a very unhealthy addiction, that is clearly having a detrimental affect on your relationship.

Good luck with things......sending you a hug x

Have just read an article online that suggests addiction to porn in men is often associated with stress and depression......its avoidance of facing problems......have you spoken to him.....Is anything worrying him or causing stress......heavy work schedule??.....debts???....other problems......apparently men can detach themselves from problems they are facing and there is dissociation in watching the porn and not having to think about their problems or worries.

Just some food for thought??? x

[Hoyam]

“But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.”
― Khaled Hosseini
I think your relation is in serious trouble, 6 times daily is far from normal and him not wanting actual sexual contact with a woman is an alarming sign.
watching porn every once and then is a normal and understandable behavior that's y u can't ask him to stop cuz you handle it perfectly normal.
however in his situation it's affecting his sexual life and his partner too (I guess it hurts the woman to feel that her partner isn't attracted to her or unwilling to have sex with her)
talk to him if he continue his daily routine and isn't trying to make some changes then am sorry but the best thing to do is leave him.
you're a woman with desires and deserve a man who wants to love you and satisfy you (sex is an important factor in any relationship)

[Harley47]

I agree with Hammy. 6 times a day, even for a single man, is a LOT. The fact he's in a relationship and that it's coming at your expense amplifies it greatly.

To offer some further validations, I'm a twenty year old single male, with all the stereotypical expectations you could expect in that regard. I literally cannot imagine six times in one day...I consider 3 a major outlier. Six is near unfathomable. Granted, I am speaking for myself here, but based on my own knowledge and experience, six is certainly egregious.

There is nothing wrong with the porn viewing per se, provided you are comfortable with it and it's out in the open in the relationship, but the point that it becomes at your expense as a couple is where the line is drawn. Have you spoken to him about why he is gravitating to pornography so much?

[ladyred7]

Originally Posted by Koko2

If he was having sex twice a year in his previous relationship, it's probably a safe bet that his porn habits started way before his relationship with you. That mode of satisfaction was likely ingrained in him, so it will be an adjustment for him to make if this relationship will work. Was he having sex twice a year by choice in the previous relationship, or was his partner unwilling to have sex?

In my bystander observations from it I don't think she was so involved with him as much as it was his "puppy love", so I guess she didn't really want to. Also his last girlfriend was Bisexual so she spent most time with her girlfriend.

[ladyred7]

Originally Posted by Harley47

I agree with Hammy. 6 times a day, even for a single man, is a LOT. The fact he's in a relationship and that it's coming at your expense amplifies it greatly.

To offer some further validations, I'm a twenty year old single male, with all the stereotypical expectations you could expect in that regard. I literally cannot imagine six times in one day...I consider 3 a major outlier. Six is near unfathomable. Granted, I am speaking for myself here, but based on my own knowledge and experience, six is certainly egregious.

There is nothing wrong with the porn viewing per se, provided you are comfortable with it and it's out in the open in the relationship, but the point that it becomes at your expense as a couple is where the line is drawn. Have you spoken to him about why he is gravitating to pornography so much?

Every time I have he just says I don't know and seems embarrassed by it so I don't push it.

[ladyred7]

Originally Posted by middie

Have just read an article online that suggests addiction to porn in men is often associated with stress and depression......its avoidance of facing problems......have you spoken to him.....Is anything worrying him or causing stress......heavy work schedule??.....debts???....other problems......apparently men can detach themselves from problems they are facing and there is dissociation in watching the porn and not having to think about their problems or worries.

Just some food for thought??? x

He does take current treatment and medication for anxiety but I think his school situation is burdening him.

[middie]

Originally Posted by ladyred7

He does take current treatment and medication for anxiety but I think his school situation is burdening him.

Have you spoken to him about a relationship counsellor??? Perhaps that would help and they would be able to talk further about the addiction and see if he is using this as a distraction for avoiding facing the burden of the school situation??

Just as I have learnt recently there are two sides to every story and lack of information through lack of communication can result in behaviour that we don't understand and result in changed/altered behaviour and problems within relationships.

Try and talk to him and encourage him to go see a counsellor/therapist x

Originally Posted by middie

Have just read an article online that suggests addiction to porn in men is often associated with stress and depression......its avoidance of facing problems......have you spoken to him.....Is anything worrying him or causing stress......heavy work schedule??.....debts???....other problems......apparently men can detach themselves from problems they are facing and there is dissociation in watching the porn and not having to think about their problems or worries.

Just some food for thought??? x

I think in the sense that porn can be likened to drugs, for some it may be a coping mechanism and a way to get into an altered mental state. I don't know how often that would be but I don't think that attributing stress to it is a good general answer. There's just far too many men that use porn, period for all kinds of reasons and even some as trivial as "because I like it" kind of thing.

[middie]

Maybe he is just becoming addicted to being passive in regards to watching sex and then masterbating.

When he has sex with you he can't be passive and has to be actively involved.

I would say to him right then .......you stop watching the porn and we work together to improve our relationship.....we see a counsellor and take it from there.

If he has to stop masterbating to porn then he will want sex with you more often. He will have to re-programme himself to becoming actively involved in sex instead of passively watching a screen.