[Josh5]

Hello, my name is josh I am a 21 year old guy that is living in London. I work full time and have lived on my own since 17 since my mother and most of my siblings immigrated to canada. I have a slight cocaine problem that I fear is getting worse and I have recently developed gynocomastia which has only worsened my already depressed self loathing personality.

Anyway I had untill last night a beautiful girlfriend who is all a man could ever ask for, not only is she drop dead gorgeous but she is kind, thoughtful and has become my family since my siblings are all across the Atlantic. She is the light in my life and I have broken her. I swear that I love this woman, but I have a problem when I have cocaine and alcohol I just revert to a horrible person and more often then not end up talking to other girls and in the past I have cheated on her. She has given me plenty of chances, more than I deserve.

Yesterday we had an argument about me seeing my friends as she felt I needed to spend more time with her. I said that I would and offered to take her out but anything I said was to little to late. She says that because I wanted to see my friends in the first place and I had not chosen to see her first I in turn didn't really want to see her so there was no point anymore if that makes sense. Anyway i meet up with my friends start getting drunk and doing cocaine and I feel my self changing, I feel less depressed and more uplifted that is what the drugs do for me but I also feel that I am not fully in control. I met a girl there who was as drunk as I was and after hanging out for a while she ended up coming back to mine with my friends. Fast forward a while and it is just me and her left and we start to make out. I know this is wrong but I do not feel in control I do not feel like my self I feel like I am drunk coked up josh not normal josh. The whole night my girlfriend had been mad at me so we hadn't talked much. Anyway so I'm with this girl in my bedroom and I get a knock at my bedroom door. I think it's weird because I knew all my friends had gone home and I ask who it is. They will not answer but begin to bang on the door really hard. I begin to realise it is my girlfriend. I realise there is no hiding this and just open the door and let her witness how much of a scumbag I am. As soon as I do she launches at me screaming as expected asking who that girl is and calling me every name under the sun. I can't believe this is happening, I'm coming off my cocaine buzz and realising how stupid I am and how this will be the last straw and she has to leave me now. Long story short the girl left and so did my girlfriend after trashing my place that is but I definitely deserve it.

I want to commit suicide. I really don't want to live with out her, I am on a self destructive path, I can't see her ever taking me back and frankly she shouldn't. The fact that is my mistake and I have nobody to blame but myself just makes it harder to live with. I hate myself and can't even understand how someone as pure and good even managed to fall in love with me. But it dosent matter now I am ready to die. I have told her this but she is ignoring me understandably at the moment and at the same time I feel I am being manipulative by saying I am suicidal but honestly I am, the only thing keeping me from doing it is because I know she might feel responsible and I don't want to hurt her further.

I could try and blame my actions on my up bringing, my father has had multiple women from when I can remember, he would go back and forth between my mum and my half brother and sisters mum who were obviously his favourites. Bottom line is though this is my fault, nobody else's. I would just please like some help with how people live with losing the best thing in there life and it being your OWN FAULT. I know that I don't deserve this help and I deserve to live with the pain my own actions have caused but that is just it, I don't think I can live with it.

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[Middlemarcher]

I think you ought to seek therapy for your issues from your upbringing. You should also stop doing cocaine and drinking to excess. That may mean making new friends. If you can't stop on your own, that's all the more reason to get into therapy.

You made mistakes, but you did not deserve to have your apartment trashed. It sounds to me like she has issues of her own as well. I do not think that someone who was the saint you make her out to be would trash your apartment, whether or not you cheated on her.

You are young. You can work on your issues and hopefully not make these kinds of mistakes in the future. I would try to find my comfort in taking action and getting a handle on myself.

[Hong Kong Fluey]

I think you know the answer here and taking your own life is not it.

You are young and as much as you don't want to or believe this, there will be others that you will feel like this about, trust me.

However there is a lesson here you must learn. The charlie has got to go NOW, end of. Your drinking must also be got under control, make sure you limit yourself and stick to it. Then, in a few months, when you are clean and sober go and apologise to your old girlfriend, not for reconciliation but for closure and to recognise her efforts, she will appreciate it.

Then go an enjoy your life and take this as a life experience.

[NWgirl2013]

Is all of this enough of a wake up call to get help with your drug and alcohol problems?

Suicide will only make your former GF carry enormous guilt for the rest of her life. Do you really want to hurt her more?

Of course you don't. Please go and get some help. Right Now. You can turn this thing around. Maybe not with the GF, you did treat her pretty shabbily, but fix you, let her know you are on that path and that you are deeply sorry.
Let her know that you recognize you have a problem and she was the best thing in your life and you will never deserve such a lovely girl as she. Then get Real Help and make a new life without the substances. She may be watching and remain your friend. You never know, she may get past this with you, but get going. Show her & yourself you are strong enough to be better.
You can do this. It will likely be hard, but most hard things in life are totally worth it. Best to you and keep posting. We here are on your side...