Ideas for dealing with loneliness?

So I'm recently out of an 8 year relationship and trying to learn how to deal with facing myself by myself again. Ever since I can remember I've never enjoyed being a single guy. And it's been so long now since I've been a single guy that I don't even remember what I was like when I was single, or if I'm even remotely that same guy I was, after all, I was single in my early 20's, nearly a decade ago, and a lot changes to a person mentally from the time they're 20 to the time they're 30. My former relationship taught me a lot of things about myself, and in many ways I feel it made me a better person overall, but it never prepared me for living a life that didn't include my significant other in it. It's only been a couple months since the initial breakup, though the past year we grew more and more distant to the point of loosing any real connection beyond the occasional argument or that we lived under the same roof. The weird thing is, as much as I hated the fighting, and the loneliness of not feeling close, I hate being entirely alone even more. For me the arguments and distance were acceptable because overall there were good times too, granted those good times were fewer and further between in the last bit of the relationship, but I'd still take it over this feeling of udder isolation. Sure I hang out with friends and talk with family, I've even seen a therapist, but none of this feels like it's helping me deal with my inability to sleep alone in my bed, my inability to deal with complete silence (always needing music playing, or the t.v. on, of my mind distracted in some way), the feeling of being entirely broken, but not having anyone to console you. Who holds a guy in their arms and cradles his feels and confidence when he's alone? Who reminds him to eat and sleep and get through the day when he's by himself in his apartment. I've never been social person by nature, so I don't like trying to go out to the bars and socialize, and though spending time with my friends helps, it doesn't replace the feeling you get from being connected to someone so closely. Besides, my friends all have responsibilities of their own, wives, kids, families they worry about and take care of now, we're no longer singles together, now it's just me being single with a bunch of married friends. I spent weeks crying and depressed and trying to take in and accept my feelings of grief and loss from the relationship (as I've been told by some the loss of a relationship can feel in many ways like the loss of a loved one, the grieving process must take place) but I hate the grieving process, I need to find ways to get beyond the grieving process. I've tried picking up a hobby (I play D&D on Saturdays with some friends) I've tried forcing myself to be more social (which I still don't enjoy, as lonely as I am, talking with strangers just physically and mentally drains my energy), I tried (rather unsuccessfully) to have a casual sexual hook up (which ended with an awkward problem staying erect and not being able to orgasm). I feel like I understand that "these things take time" but I don't want to deal with the long sleepless nights of being alone, feeling alone, possibly dying alone. I want to find a shortcut to the end of the marathon of sadness that is a break up. The weird thing is, on some level, I don't even want another relationship right now. I don't want even the possibility of another letdown, of another loss. I feel like when I meet someone, no matter how well we may click, that in the end, it will end, and they will leave, and we will hate each other, and what's the point of that? If an 8 year relationship can end so easily, what are my chances in making anything last. I mean I know I have fear of abandonment issues, but just because it's a fear doesn't mean it's unfounded. Everybody leaves you eventually, everything in this world is temporary, we all face things, in the end, on our own. And that realization scares the hell out of me, because I'm not strong enough to face things on my own, I've never been strong enough to face this life on my own. And as I get older, there's even more things I have to deal with entirely by my lonesome. I just never developed the confidence to face challenges without the aide of others, I never developed the tools necessary to take control of my life by myself. While I am working ( very hard working I think) on being a person who can do things and make decisions on their own, and be the kind of person I would look to for strength, I still don't feel strong, I still don't feel confident, even when I try faking it. No amount of positive thinking seems to help when it's 2am and you're trying to sleep in a bed all by yourself, knowing there's no one there who cares about you, no one will be there if you need them, you're in an empty apartment, living out your life alone, waiting to get old and die. Sure I have life goals, but I don't feel the energy or point anymore to completing them. Why work so hard just to be let down? Life has ups and downs, but sometimes I doubt if the ups are worth the downs, because the downs will always come, they always find you. It's like a cliché action western where the man tries to leave his past behind, but it always finds him, usually when he's doing alright for himself, that's what the down points in life are for me, they're that figure from the past come to take away that which I build up, so sometimes I wonder "why keep building?". While this may seem pessimistic (which I wholly agree I probably am) I don't feel it's entirely unrealistic. My feelings of loneliness and sadness may seem a bit exaggerated right now due to recent events, but they are no less real feelings for which I do not have real answers to. I hope I haven't come off as abrasive with all of this, I truly have come here for assistance and to find advice from others, I'm just not in a great place right now mentally and feel lost as to how to move forward. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Took me a while to read it all but it was worth it. I am kinda in the same situation right now, I think about all those things every day since after my break up. Like "what is next?" Or "what is the poitn?" I was reading one book about men and women which describes differences between us and how our feelings works, how "love" works, basically it says that all this is just chemistry. So how to live in this world? There will always be an end to everything and there isn't "the one for you" out there, let's be honest. My bf was that kind of man who builds relationship with a woman he likes visually and who he thinks is good for him, then something like "love" would come after, when I always needed feelings to build relationships, feelings would come first and I never knew who could it be. I don't know what to tell you because I am searching for the same answers. I know it's stupid but love in my life made it worth and I don't see anything else in this world that is worth living. On the other hand... Have you ever wanted to be more than what you are now? Maybe help others, maybe charity, maybe go to Africa to help kids. See the world from a different side and maybe make your life worth living by doing something good.
Also, in a few months I am planning to go to Spain and do skydiving for the first time in my life, even tho I'm afraid of hights. I think it will make me feel free and alive after my break up depression.

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

Thanks for the response 'Lightinthesky'. I'm not sure that working towards something greater than myself will aide in my feelings, though I get what you're saying and appreciate your advice. I currently work in a field in which I assist the elderly on a daily basis, I've even saved lives, and while the feeling is one of accomplishment, it's often a very fleeting feeling for me. The thanks and gratitude, and understanding that I'm helping others, while to a degree is fulfilling, it's not something I've found that can fully fill the void that my current situation leaves in my heart. I am a fiercely loyal person to those I care about, going so far as to even help my ex through the entire process of leaving me, even when others said I should cut ties and move on. I was still there to assist in the move and tried hard to understand that this was not all upon me and her decision to leave was not fully due to anything I've done, but rather her feelings of needing a change in her life. Though I agree with you that perhaps I need a significant change in my life in order to pull me out of my current funk. Perhaps a move to a new place in the spring, or a taking up a new skill of some kind, taking a class, or getting involved in some kind of program that forces me to work with others in some capacity might also keep the wolves of depression scratching at my mind's door at bay, at least for a while. I used to be more of a workaholic, and would often just bog myself down with lots of shifts and hours in order to distract myself from mental anguish, but these days my job proves to not be enough to create such a distraction, and I wonder sometimes if distraction is even a healthy outlet in dealing with my deeper sadness's. After all, avoidance is seldom a full time solution to a problem, my own follies in life have drilled this moral into me more times than I care to think about. And yet avoidance is one of the few tools in my mental toolbox. Thank you though for you understanding and sharing your own personal experiences with me, it is good to know I am in good company on such feelings.

Few things.. Yes I think your job is great but unfortunately it isn't new, perhaps you need to get away and do something you've never done before in your life, something we call "achievement" in your age I hope you can afford something like that. I am hoping it will give a little kick. Also, you are doing a great thing helping your gf to move on, my boyfriend broke up with me in a such terrible way with no support whatsoever, no contact even, he left me with pain and no understanding, left all alone with my questions and feelings, yes maybe it is easier for him, but what kind of a person does it make him? what kind of heart those people have when after long term relationship some are able to just "cut off ties"? pretend like people we "loved"once are strangers?.. About the distraction, I think it is a way to at some point protect ourselves for the period of time when we need it, distraction is necessary in healing process, think about it, have you ever felt the need to distract yourself 24/7 when you were happy? I don't think so. I don't know about you, but I am better of distracting myself until something else comes into my life that will make it full of sense again, until then I can only try and make my life worth living, at least for someone and maybe for myself.

Perhaps getting away and doing something I've never done before can be something I try saving up for and plan in the future. I hope you find the freedom and feeling of being 'alive' you're hoping for from your upcoming skydiving endeavor.

As to assisting my ex with her move, I tried explaining to my friends and my therapist that while her leaving me hurts (so SO bad), that her intent to leave doesn't come from a place of malice, this isn't something she's trying to do TO me, it's something she feels she needs to do for herself. And just because someone decides to leave you doesn't mean you just stop loving them, I don't think it just shuts off like that. I think some people shut down everything and treat people like strangers sometimes as coping mechanisms in dealing with the loss of that person. Even when my ex and I were fighting and arguing and I was in such mental pain from that, I never stopped loving her, I never wanted harm to come to her, I never tried being unnecessarily mean about what I was saying. I've always just wanted us to be happy, to understand her and have her understand me. Unfortunately though that never fully happened, and I exhausted all her patience in hoping it would one day. All I can do now is hope that somehow I've learned enough about what went wrong to become a better person if the opportunity ever comes up again to meet someone. Being alone (meaning not in a long term relationship) for me feels like being locked inside a kind of mental cell, with an indeterminate sentence attached, it could be months locked up, or could be years, or it could be forever, no way to be sure.

I guess if I look at the odds, I'm still only 30, still fairly young, that gives me a possible 50 or more years worth of living in which I could find someone, or possibly live two or three more entire lives in long term relationships. I was able to find a pretty nice one in only 20 years worth of living and I wasn't even trying to find anyone in the first 10 or so years. My therapist said most guys my age haven't even held onto a relationship for 8 years, some don't find the "love of their life" till there well into there 40's. So there's no telling what the future holds. I know that should make me feel hopeful and excited for the possibilities in my life down the road, but really the unexpected has always just made me feel a bit apprehensive and concerned it'll all turn out worse than I could imagine. I guess I'm just a "glass half empty" kind of guy when it comes to thinking about my particular future.

Thinking about what you said perhaps a little distraction can be a good thing, I do enjoy my life the most when I'm not thinking about it. Sometimes a good distraction can reset your mindset, "center" a person if you will. I myself find nostalgia to be my best for of distraction, something about going back into my childhood and finding something that made me innocently and genuinely happy that can bring out that happiness in me once more. Whenever I really need to cheer up and give myself a mental booster I usually pop in a favorite childhood film, or cartoon, or music and try to transport myself to a time and place when I wasn't thinking about love, sex, relationships. To a time when all I needed to be happy was some great stories and catchy songs. I'm still not sure if that form of regression is wholly healthy all the time, but it does give me a temporary reprieve from all these sad relationship things going on in my life. Thanks again for your comments.

Hi AnthonyofKazoo. I like your username. It sounds like you feel emotionally withdrawn and isolated, which is one of the worst feelings in the world. coming out of an 8 year relationship sounds like one of the loneliest things in the world to me...and scary. Is there any chance that you two can get back together? I don't necessarily think that all things end in life, but I have been where you are before, minus the 8 years. I understand the extreme isolation, shock, and sadness. Sometimes going to a different place, somewhere you love, and being invisible, and just taking it slow day by day, really helps. Run away. It helped me years ago, to run away to Nyc, just wake up and find solitude, do whatever I pleased. That was..5 years ago, im 24 now. Everyone criticized me for it, but it helped me. The guy who hurt me wasen't worth it at alll. It was a beautiful experience, to enjoy my own company in that city, silently. However, I know the pain that you feel, and in that time, I felt pain. I would wake up alone in the room of the hostel, and cry. You are in a rough place, and you need a loving caring support system. I hope that it gets better for you

Hello Mr. Anthony of Kazoo,

Yes... I feel your pain. It comes through loud and clear... It reads as genuine and heartfelt. I'm not sure why you were concerned that people might think you were coming off as being abrasive. You just come off as being very sincere and looking for some help in getting through your lonliness.

So...

I've been trying to think back to that part of my life when I was going through an experience similar to yours and what I did to get through it every day.

In 1973 I walked in on my brother in the sack with my ex-wife. That sorta messed me up for a while... but I DID learn to get through it though. But, even now, what... 40 years later, I still miss her and dream about her from time to time, even though I'm very, very happily married again and have been so for almost 39 years now.

Ya know, one thing that I did was to try to never think beyond the immediate here and now. I tried not to think about "what if" or "If I had just done..." or anything other what I was doing right THEN. I focused on staying in the present. It was a hard thing to do to start with, but after a while I got the hang of it. Staying in the present helped to keep me from thinking about all of the agony of the past and the uncertainty of the future. There was only NOW... Sometimes I lived from one minute to the next, one minute at a time. Something that helped me was to always set small goals and to celebrate each small victory when I reached each goal. It helped me to stay focused on being in the present and on something other than the things that would destroy me. Those goals might have been doing things as simple as telling myself, "SELF! OK, you are going to get up from the table now and carry your dirty dishes into the kitchen ." That was a goal. When I achieved that goal I'd tell myself, "Hey! Great Job! And you even managed to do that without tripping over your own feet and killing yourself! Good Job! But, now what? OK. My next goal is to run the dish water..."SELF! Put the plug in the kitchen sink drain, turn on the hot water and put some dish soap in the sink..." and so on... And, I always tried to keep my mind challenged with thought games I'd make up. They were usually just simple things that usually involved some sort of visualization or mathematics. At any rate. I always tried to keep a backlog of things to think about so I didn't have to try to think up something when I was in crisis mode.

I KNOW how silly this sounds, but when I did this I was able to keep up a running dialog in my mind. I kept my mind occupied by doing mindless tasks organized by my need to achieve goals. I did this for a long time. It got so I didn't have to consciously think about what goals to set for doing things. There was enough repetition that after a while I knew what to do. Nevertheless, I always talked my way through each step of each activity in my mind. And I always had something to say to congratulate myself for doing what I set out to do. I know how silly this seems, but the act of congratulating yourself was important because I always tried to come up with new things to say when I patted myself on the back, oftentimes I tried to come up with humorous things to think...

Anyway... that's what I pretty much did in the morning before I left for work and in the evening when I got home from work. My days were always WAAAYYY too busy when I was at work to think about anything else but not killing myself. I was doing some pretty dangerous work at the time...

As I'm sure you're already aware, the night time was always the worst, when you are laying in bed alone with your thoughts. But, even then I created thought games of my own that kept my mind occupied until I fell asleep. It's amazing how tiring it can be when your mind is totally focused on trying to visualeze something or working on math problems or in your mind, going through all the steps needed to make a boeuf bourguignon... There were always ways of keeping my mind occupied once I learned to stay focused. Of course, just learning to do THAT was something that kept me occupied for a long time!

There was something else I did that made a difference in my quest to banish loneliness from my life...

I got a dog... a puppy to be exact.

I got a blue-blooded, kennel raised, champion bloodline Alaskan Malemute who's sire was a show dog and registry of merit winner. He was a hugely in-demand stud. My dog's official AKC name was "Snowpaw's Winter Smoke". He came from the Snowpaw Kennel in Lake Stevens, WA (North of Seattle) I called him Smokey. The everyday task of caring for him, feeding him, walking him, cleaning up after him, playing with him and just plain old loving him filled up both my days and my heart. I trained him to obey hand signals... He was very smart. Smokey was still my buddy when my wife and I had our daughter in 1986, some 13 years after I brought him home from the kennel. He was a part of our family until he died at age 17. Anyway, yeah... Smokey made a difference in my life. He helped to keep me from being achingly lonely until the Love of my life came strolling onto the scene in into my heart.

Anyway, I'm not trying to tell you that I was never so lonely that I didn't just sit and cry, because I'd be lying to you if I did. Heck, there were times when years later something would hit me just right and I'd mourn the loss of my 1st wife... and feel that loss as if it happened yesterday. I always felt so silly just sitting all by myself, crying my eyes out like I was a child... But, thankfully that doesn't happen very often.

So, Mr Anthony from Kazoo, I don't know what else to tell you. You're in for some very rough times ahead. There are no shortcuts as you'd like. You just have to slog through the lonelliness and pain one minute at a time, one hour and a time and one day at a time.

But there is something that I will almost guarantee you. You WILL get through it. It WILL change you and probably make you a better, stronger person for it. The NEXT woman that you fall in Love with will recieve the fruits of your hard-fought and painfully earned insights into yourself and of your personal growth experiences.

I wish you the very best this life has to offer... Happiness and the Joy of Loving the Right Woman and being Loved in return.

Dan

Thank you both 'spiritbrite' and Dan for your advice, your personal experiences and your insights.

To answer your question first spiritbrite I don't believe there is a way for us to get back together, or even if it would be the healthiest thing to do if there was. I loved her, very much, I still feel that love, but I also know that this last year was very bad on both of us mentally and emotionally, even though I would want her back, I know after some of our conversations after the break up that moving forward it would be a loveless relationship from her side. She's told me she's had over a year to contemplate her decision on leaving the relationship, the resolve she's shown in this decision is reflective of the resolve a person who's had a lot of time to think about something shows. She felt it would be easier on me if she told me before her move out, as opposed to just making plans and then moving out and telling me upon doing so, but I'm not sure which is better, a sudden loss or an extended one as I am facing now (she still stays in the same apartment as I, at least for the next month or so and when she's not sleeping over at some "friend's" house for the night). It's almost like asking someone if you'd rather your loved one died in a sudden car crash (loved one here being our relationship), or was instead given several months to live from a terminal disease. Which one would you rather deal with moving forward? She feels that her decision is more inline with someone who's car is facing catastrophic mechanical problems(the car in this case being our relationship), the car is old, it was on it's last legs, it's too expensive to repair it, it served you well over the years, but it wasn't the best car you could possibly have, and hopefully you'll find a new and better car moving forward. That's her take on what's taking place here (she tried to assure me that 'I' was not the car, and that she wasn't sending me out to the salvage yard). It's difficult because while she says she doesn't want to harm me emotionally during this transition into being alone, there really isn't a way in my mind to nicely end a relationship, in the 'death of the relationship' scenario she feels it's like quietly dying in your sleep, peacefully, but in my mind, the end result is the same regardless, death is death. Sure neither of us tried to purposefully harm the other emotionally here, but to me it's a small comfort in a much larger horribleness.

I'm not sure that running away is for me, I do have a support group of friends and family who have attempted to help me through this "transition" as my ex puts it. I do understand the 'making a significant chance in my life' idea, and I think moving ahead they'll be some real big ones, but right now I'm just trying to hold on to whatever normalcy and consistency I have left in my life right now.

Dan, I will try to take your advice into account on trying to live in the here and now, concentrate on the moment and not the uncertainty of the future or what I've lost in the past. I have thought about getting an animal, my apartment recently allows cats, though I've never had a cat before (I did grow up with dogs). I know the healing power an animal can have on a person's psyche. Maybe it's something I will consider much more seriously. Maybe 'abrasive' wasn't the right word, I was hoping my pessimism wasn't going to turn people away, all my talk of things always ending, no one will ever love me again, what's the point to moving forward, can depress others around me sometimes, and I hate when I'm the cause of others feeling down.

I was thinking about what you said about your personal experience (and I'm very sorry to hear about it, while I hate what I'm going through, I can't imagine the added pain of such a situation as yours was) I can still remember how fresh the feelings of pain were when my ex suggesting she be allowed to sleep with other guy while we were still together was, so I can't imagine how it would have been if she actually had, especially with my brother. These days while she still technically lives in the same apartment, ever since she told me she's leaving I seldom see her staying here, I try not to think about her jumping into bed with other partners, but what business is it of mine anymore anyhow.

When you talked about having sudden feelings of emotional pain years later it made me think of how I felt (and feel) when a good friend of mine committed suicide. He killed himself last year, and while I cried about that uncontrollably and inconsolably for a long time, every once and a while something pops into my head, a memory we shared, or I see something that reminds me of him, and I can feel the same pain, just as raw and fresh as the morning I heard about it. So I guess moving forward I can see how I may still have some of those same moments of sudden sadness with this situation as well.

Thank you again, both of you, for all of your kind thoughts and words, I know on some level I will get beyond this (I have no choice really) and maybe I'll meet a mush stronger, braver Anthony on the other side.

Anthony of Kazoo
I am sorry for what you are going through,really.You received quite a few good advices here. I know you are in pain,despair may be.You need to do something constructive with your life,something which will keep you /your mind occupied...Memories will not go away,the pain will subside with time,but most important thing to do is to make sure you are not isolating yourself emotionally and creating artificial bubble to live in,withdrawn and numb.
I was 23 when i decided to trust a guy to date,and I share 100% my feelings,..make it short- he disappeared ,literally left me outside waiting to be picked up from classes one day,with no call/warning,not returning my calls.Several days prior he asked me to marry him. I wished him happiness then,but now I hate him at times,when remembered.The reason for hate-not the emotional pain only,but mostly what followed,despair,fear of recurrent rejection,loneliness,self deprecation, and ,finally,loss of self worth,security. I didn't work through it,I ran away from myself and my feelings,...I married to a good man who offered his hand just to get over my fear of loneliness and to find stability.I didn't realize then, that was the wrong decision.You can't run away from your shadow.I am still feeling and having repercussions of my decision.No matter how good the partner is marriage/unity should not be based on running away feeling,but on accepting the situation and working constructivly through it.
God,I didn't mean to write this long of a response. I guess what i'm saying is,yes ,it hurt a lot,but do not run away or isolate yourself,find something contsructive to do,ruminating over what if's is destructive to our self esteem and feeling of self worth.Give yourself a chance for future happiness by not creating bubble of protection around you.
All the best to you

Thank you for sharing your advice and your personal experience with me 'Wife22', I truly don't know how someone walks away from a relationship like the guy from your past did in the story you shared, but it hurts my heart for you that someone could be that cold. You are right that putting my energy into something constructive and worth while would be a positive thing to look to. I'm not sure what yet, but hopefully I'll find something that will not only give me the change in focus I need, but also perhaps give me some of the positive feelings I used to receive from being with a partner.

I will try, very hard, to not put up new walls or 'bubbles' of protection around myself to close out others. I know those walls are not very healthy (or helpful) to finding love again. And isolation (while something I excel at) is something I have been trying to avoid (mostly by forcing myself to hang out with my friends whenever possible)

You know, looking at being in a relationship overall to me feels a bit like being on a drug (though truth be known I've never taken drugs or been addicted to anything) when people talk about it though they describe how they felt euphonic while on it (while in the relationship) it gives them a high that washes away all the pain of life, over time they may find they need more and more of it to sustain that feeling, and in the end if they stop taking it (the relationship ending) they experience withdrawals that leave them in lots of pain and anguish. Often though, if they can get through the withdrawal period they will find themselves happy again on the other side, but always with the reminder of who they were while on it. So maybe a relationship is like a drug, and right now I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms. If I can stand all the painful nights of hallucinations and cold sweats (meaning the crying and painful memories, being all alone) then eventually my bodies chemical process with balance itself out once more and I'll be alright. I guess it's at least one way of looking at it.

I've been looking back on all my prior relationships lately (though most of them are from my teens and thus I can't truly consider them full fledged adult relationships) I've been trying to find patterns, trying to learn what I did, or didn't do, that caused each one to end. Truthfully something I never quite thought about, but found in looking back on them, is that I was never the one who ended it, I was always the one being dumped, I never broke it off myself. This leads me to wonder what that might mean about me and my philosophy on staying in a relationship? Each of the girl's I dated really don't have much in common, different looks, heights, weights, different philosophies about life. Some were more outgoing, some more introverted (like me). Some left me for other guys, some because they no longer loved me, or wanted me to be just a friend. Of all of them though (the longest one before my 8 year relationship only lasting 1 year) I found that my most recent relationship was the best far and away of any of the others. Some of them I looked up online to see what they were up to, a couple went on to have families of there own, one had kids, one got divorced, then remarried, one even found she was into women. Truthfully I can't remember what exactly triggered each one to leave, I just remember how each relationship felt overall, some very happy and short, some with moments of adolescent pain mixed in. You know it reminds me of a quote we use when talking about Alzheimer's disease at my job. "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Here's hoping at least that when all this is over we will both look back on it with a feeling of overall happiness about what we had and not the current pain of it all now.

Hi Anthony,

I been in a similar situation as you, buddy. The thing about me is I initiated twice to break up as my ex was a energy vampire & her parents never really like me. As I was younger & poor.

I never had a gf when I was in my teens. This was my 1st & highly probably my last relationship. From what I gathered, I was doing exactly the same thing like you.

Reminiscing on the "dead" relationship. Anyway, (sorry if I sound like a sexist) Women don't need Men as much these days. You need cope ( yeah, man I know it's hard)
Thing is, I don't know about you. I don't really look like an introvert(image wise), but true is, I am.

So buddy, don't worry much mate. You are a wonderful person. Am sure the right girl will come eventually. (If you still looking). Peace out.

Thanks for your words of encouragement Macrick, it always means a great deal to me when someone can take the time to share with me their own relationship experiences and give an overall positive bit of advice or kind words to uplift my mood. So thanks man!

No worries buddy, we only come onto this world once. Pain & suffering are just temporary. Be well & prosper.

Women do need men as much. But we try to be independent because just like you, men, we protect ourselves this way. It's hard to stay positive after having not a perfect experience/broken heart, but it doesn't mean it will always be the same, we make mistakes, we learn from them. We love and we lose.

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

The worse thing you can do now is giving up on it. It doesn't have to be always the same, what happened is in the past now and nobody knows what future holds for you, live your life, you are in the best age for a man right now, learn from your mistakes and move on with a positive attitude. We love and we lose, always happens, doesn't mean that you will always be losing. Life is too short, if we have someone else to share it with - it's good but we can always make best out of it on our own.

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

Well light, I already made up my mind. I choose not to share my life with anyone further. I had enough, coz you don't know where I'm coming from.

My life is much better spend on learning & building my life for what I want (material things) Having friends & parents are enough. Anyway thanks for your concern.

I can understand you because I myself want to protect myself that way, hopefully one day it will change, what do you think? It is possible.

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

Erm, I'm not gonna waste another X number of years on another person. Btw, (off topic) I love guinness. I always order least 1 when am at the pub.

It might be not "wasting" time, you never know who you gonna meet, it might be a person who in the same situation like you and have different values now.
(Off topic) I am not Irish, I'm based here, but gotta agree Guinness is a good choice

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

I am personally dealing with loneliness which is the key reason I came here for support and ideas. I'm about to be divorced from my spouse, who was a good guy but just really wasn't strong enough to deal with everything when I was really sick and in denial about my life and conditions. Now that I'm better and on really good medication/treatment I am doing fantastic, but I'm in the stage of trying to rebuild my life back to normalcy. I had become withdrawn at the same time as I was giving my spouse a hard time, and even though I've gotten better he has already moved on. So I'm hoping to find someone new and introduce other friends into what is not a non-existent social life. The problem is that now that I realize my condition for the first time I am apprehensive about rejection and prejudice against people with mental illness. I don't know how in the world I can open up to new people, but I have to do something because although I can enjoy time to myself to do creative things and reflect I enjoy the company of others and feel that I have so much to give.

Thanks for the comment HalfNaijaGirl, it sounds like though you're dealing with loneliness that you're developing a healthy and well adjusted outlook on the situation (with saying things like how you have a lot to give, and though you're going through a divorce you still look upon your spouse with a kindness and understanding from his perspective). I respect that and hope to accomplish that myself down the road as well. Sometimes I think I too may have wore down my ex with everything I was going through mentally and emotionally. Looking back I did have a lot of trouble communicating my feelings, I was fairly negative with my views on, well, a lot of things in life and would become closed off from time to time. Towards the end the distance and fighting between us was such that I ended up hurting myself (during a particularly stressful argument I would slam my head against a wall or punch my fists into my forehead over and over again) it was at a time when I began to have suicidal thoughts that I finally got up the courage to go to therapy. Unfortunately I hadn't realized that by that time my ex's emotional fuel tank had reached empty and she just couldn't stand her own feelings of isolation and sadness within our relationship. I had thought I was saving our "ship" from sinking when in fact it had already sank a long time ago and I was in too deep a denial about it truly being over to realize it. She had been through with me emotionally for at least a year, and I was completely blind to it. I have no more illusions that I am in a big way to blame for my ex leaving me, but that really doesn't take away any of the feelings I have of wishing she'd have given me another chance. I've been facing a realization that my wanting her to stay was a selfish act, as I hadn't done enough to make her feel like she should, and I knew that in the end maybe it was better for her to find someone better than me who could give her the partnership she really wanted.

So I feel like I understand your fears about the stigma that some people may have surrounding being with someone who has mental illness of some kind, but I also know that there are some people out there who can (and do) accept and take on being in a relationship with someone who has a history of mental illness. My step-dad understood before he married my mom that my mom suffers from a severe clinical depression, that she's attempted suicide, and that she'd had relapses in the past on her medication and ended up back in the hospital before, but even knowing all that (and experiencing it a couple times in the 20 years they've been together) he still loved her and accepted both her and my brother and I into his life for the long haul. It's hard to ask anyone to take on our mental and emotional baggage when we first meet them, and often I know I personally worry that my non-social, somewhat depressed outlook on life will turn people away, and maybe sometimes I think it does, but if someone can see past those emotional flaws in my life, and is willing to help me work through them when they appear, I feel like I too could offer a lot to someone as well.

Thank you again for sharing your experience with me, it truly gives me more perspective and teaches me I'm not alone in a lot of things.

And to comment on the conversation Lightinthesky and Macrick were discussing, I think at this stage I'm not going to pursue another relationship (though part of me really would like to, if for no other reason than to fill this void of loneliness) but I'm going to work on just trying to live with me, just me (as lonely as it is right now) because I truly feel like if I can start to enjoy my own company, maybe down the road another person will want to share that company as well. I won't shut myself off to the idea of meeting someone again, I'll keep my mind and heart as open as I can, but I don't believe I'll be seeking out another heart till I've learned the tools to get over my fears of abandonment.

Also (on your off topic comments) I'm not really a stout drinker, but Guinness is definitely a good choice in brews.

It is a good thing that you not gonna give up hope and your heart will be open, you don't need to be looking for someone but if something comes into your life, don't block it off.
If now after a break up you realising some of your mistakes it might be a good thing to say that to your ex, say " I want to tell you that I am sorry if I wasn't there for you or if I was ignorant and if it was too much for you" (whatever it is), if you feel like you've done smth wrong, let it out, so at least she knows how you feel and that you understand.
But it is not your fault, because I believe no matter what happens, love can fight anything.

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

ANYTHING

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk