[HollyC]

I am looking for some advice as to what I can do to help my boyfriend. We have been dating for nearly 3 years and have been through a lot. As I have posted on here before his mother passed away about 5 years ago and his father has been dating a woman that his family does not like for about two years. About 2 weeks ago his father told him that he would be asking the girlfriend to marry him and he did yesterday, Christmas.

I have never seen my boyfriend so upset. When I arrived to his house yesterday to help with Christmas dinner he was pretty buzzed from drinking wine. This continued all afternoon until dinner. He was so drunk that he slept through dinner and most of the evening with his family.

When he finally woke up he was in a terrible mood. Horrible. The night ended with him and I in his bedroom crying. I have never seem him cry. This was uncontrollable sobbing. He could not even talk. I sat with him for over an hour. He barely said anything.

I know he upset with his father and what he is choosing to do. I believe that he is still dealing with his mother's passing. Add in the stress of the holiday and I can truly understand.

It hurts to see him so upset. Any advice I what can or should be doing? Currently, I am just sitting and listening. I sat with him yesterday and cried. Any insight or advice would be great.

[danvb]

Hi Holly,

It sounds to me like what you're doing is exactly what you need to do. Just sit and listen. That's ALL you can do. You can't fix anthing for him. You can't make it better for him by "doing" something to help make him feel better. Don't give him advice unless he asks for it, and even then, be very careful in how you do that. Sometimes the person that's attempting to share advice ends up being a lightning rod for pent-up anger, frustration and other strong emotions that are seeking an outlet...
It's difficult to just sit and listen and not actively DO something to fix it and make it better! All you can do is to show your support by just being there, listening and showing compassion for what he's going through. What he's going through is something he needs to work out in his own mind. There are no easy fixes or shortcuts for that. It takes time and patience on your part... and resisting the urge to attempt to "fix" things to make him stop hurting.

Dan

[HollyC]

Thank you. I just sit there. I know that I can not fix. He needs to work through it himself but it is painful to watch him deal with this.

[healingme4me]

Just being there, sounds like it may be enough. It hurts to see the ones that we love in pain. Family of origin stuff can bring out the best and the worst in many of us. I hope he's able to sort through all of it.

[unicornlove18]

i want to know is it normal to be best friends with your fiances ex? if they had a serious relationship before you i feel thratened by her sometimes and i think its wierd that we are friends