How do I get over being attacked

I have been subjected to verbal abuse, at family gatherings, for years now. My younger sister has always been on the attack. She usually just says things out of earshot of everyone else, like 'you're so stupid' or calls me a 'b****' and then turns and smiles and chats to the rest of the family.

My Mum and sister have always said she's just jealous and ignore her (they have been intimidated themselves by her aggressive nature). So I have, ignored it, for 25 years, with the occasional 'shut up' thrown in by me now and again.

But now my girls are 11 and 15, she's started saying things about them. This culminated in (2 months ago) her saying my daughter was a dirty drop-out (she's been off school for 10 months due to illness) as I passed her in my elder sisters hall at a recent birthday party. Earlier in the evening she had said 'disgusting', 'lazy *****' at the dinner table as I sat down next to her. I had ignore this.

I went into the living room and told my Mum I wouldn't put up with this anymore and she said tell her that then. So I waited in the hall, away from everyone else and when she came back through said to her she could say what she liked about me but to leave my kids out of it, that I was fed up with her attitude and bullying and she should stop it.

She laughed and said she didn't know what I was talking about. She had never said a word.

I am afraid the years of keeping the peace and suffering for it bubbled to the surface. Regretfully I said 'You're a fat nasty ***** and no-one likes you'. Just that, nothing else. You have to understand I don't like confrontation and avoid arguments whenever possible so it was not like me to say that. I do regret it because personal attacks get you nowhere but I felt so upset. It doesn't sound like a lot but I have had years of these little nasty attacks and despite being as nice as possible nothing has changed.

Anyway I think she was so shocked that I'd been nasty back, before I knew what was happening her hands were around my throat. It wasn't for long then she hit me hard enough to knock me to the floor. I called out to my husband and he helped me up. I followed her into the kitchen and shouted 'if you ever touch me again I will call the police'.

Everyone was very shocked and sat quietly in the lounge, whilst my sister sat in the kitchen with our father.

Eventually we went home and it was only then that I discovered my youngest daughter had been playing on the stairs and seen all of it, she now says she's afraid of her Aunty. We have not been invited back to my elder sisters since (not even at Christmas with everyone else, although they did come to us) and my Mother has told me I shouldn't have started the row and my Father has told me its my fault and I should be nicer to my younger sister as she has a painful joint condition.

I am 45 and my sister is 40. I can't believe that after all these years I stood up to her and that I am now getting punished. It all feels so unfair.

I am looking for any advice on how I could stop this from happening at future family occasions. How do I stand up for myself, obviously without being abusive next time, and stay safe from physical attacks? How do I get over feeling unfairly treated?

Hi Stephyp - This situation that you described sounds painful. And it is understandable that you would feel that you have been treated unfairly. You do not deserve to have been assaulted. Did you have any reason to anticipate that your sister would respond by placing her hands around your neck? This was her reaction to whatever you had said, and she is responsible for her behaviour. You are not responsible for her behaviour. But, with your awareness now that this is her response, then my advice would be to keep distance from her, and avoid confrontations with her, for your safety. It may be that she has other life issues (as you mentioned her pain), and you've described her aggressiveness and intimidation. Have either of you considered going for personal therapy, or even family therapy? It is such a shame when family members treat someone badly. Is there a way to improve her behaviour? How to arrange for future family occasions to be peaceful and safe? It seems to me that everyone involved needs to be part of the solution.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central!

I agree with Rose. I think your sis definitely has some emotional problems and your parents are burying their heads in the sand. I would try to avoid her as much as possible. You might consider telling your daughters (depending on their ages) that their aunt is having a lot of problems. I honestly think they are right to be scared of her. I would be!

As far as getting over it, I also agree that you need to consider talking to a therapist about it all. You can get your feelings out and likely get some insights.

In the meantime, work hard to keep remembering that your sis is ill.

Thank you both for your replies. To be honest just putting 'pen to paper' has helped somewhat. I know that you can not change other peoples behaviour but only your own. I know that my parents are suffering too and will just have to support them as much as possible

I'm so sorry to hear that! I was in a similar situation last year with my younger sister. I said a few things that she didn't like, so she attacked me from behind and she hit me with her cell phone and took a video of me trying to protect myself to make it look like I was attacking her! She scratched me up so badly that part of my skin was hanging off from my upper lip.

It took months for the scars to heal. My parents and my husband were there at the time, but they didn't see her attack me. They came a couple of minutes later and stopped us. She is bipolar but unmedicated. They blamed everything on me of course telling me that I provoked her! I wasn't allowed to call the cops!

Here is what you should do, stay AWAY from your toxic sister! Unless she SINCERELY apologizes to you and offers to get help, stay away from her! Don't let your kids anywhere near her as she's a very toxic person! Kids are very immpressionable. You're an adult, yet you can barely manage to deal with her toxic nature. Think of what it's like for your kids!

You need to have a serious talk with your parents and tell them that until they can stop taking sides and making excuses for her, you won't be able to talk to them or see them again. Also, tell them that you can't let your kids be around her anymore until she changes. Make things very clear and be like a broken record if they don't listen. Stand your ground and don't ever let anyone persuade you that it's you who is the problem. It's not.

You were merely sticking up for yourself. Get some books or do some research on here on how to deal with bullies and toxic people. Your sister is a mean bully. Once you stand up to people who treat you badly, they might be shocked at first, but in time they'll start to respect you. Trust me, it usually works with most people. Keep on being consistent. It might take some people more time than others to get used to you being assertive, but once they do, it's great!

Remember, make it clear that you WILL call the cops on her if she dares to ever lay a finger on you again! Always have your cell phone ready to record what she says via video or record in stealth mode by placing it in your pocket or purse. Don't take her calls, texts, or emails until she apologizes to you. Same with your parents. If you allow people to treat you like crap, they'll continue doing so. Good luck!