[Rose3]

How do I politely create some distance, and maybe some clear boundaries, as situations occur with an male acquaintance? As I view what has occurred, I know there are several things that I can communicate that will help somewhat: (1) request a change from the texting (either use email or phone instead) because I do not like texting, it makes me feel like I am being "summoned" and being kept on the texting for periods of time that I do not like, and I try to be polite, but want to sign off immediately, and dread the sound of the notifications. (2) I want to stop the personal questions (about my income, etc.) , or leading questions about how was my day - because I do not like re-hashing my day in my evening or my time away from work (leave work at work please) (3) and when we part at the end of the evening, I do not want assumptions about "getting together next week" - because I did not agree to this, maybe I have my own plans, and I would prefer to be asked rather than dictated to. Seems that I find this person to be either needy/clingy - or dictating/controlling, along with different sense of what is desirable about communications. This person is only an acquaintance, and that is all that it can be, and there was a strange encounter yesterday as a female person (stranger to me) entered the building and stated my name upon seeing me (which took me aback), and she stated "I know that you're getting together with ___ tonight, and that it's ok" with her - she stated that she's his fiancé (I think she said that)" I don't want to get in the middle of someone else's drama. On the one hand, I don't like feeling that I am baby-sitting this guy when his girlfriend is not available, and on the other hand - I should be ok about being simply friends with an individual (altho even with my friends I do not want anyone planning my time or making assumptions). I could go ahead and just disrupt the pattern that is perhaps emerging - by saying "no". Then I go through these thoughts about - asking myself "why am I even getting together with this person at any time?" My answer seems to be - simply socializing, making acquaintanceships because it's a good idea to know people who are around, and as long as he seems like a reasonable respectful intelligent person then that should be ok (in general terms) as long as he doesn't invade my life and time. So - what do I say to this male - do I ask about the female fiancé? Do I say "no" or do I provide more explanation? Do I abruptly just end all communication, or do I allow some? What do I want out of all this? How do I stop the annoying questions? I don't believe that it is my responsibility to entertain someone with my personal life.

[Betty1Boop]

Rose, if you don't know what you want I think you should go with your gut here and get out fast. You know there's trouble brewing. Honor your intuition and be proud of yourself for it.

[danvb]

How about you make a copy of your post and sit down with him and let him read it? I mean, if these are your honest thoughts and feelings, then I don't think there's anything wrong with you setting the boundaries. If you feel like he's encroaching on your personal life, he needs to know that he has to give you more room. How else will he know? If he takes issue with how you feel, well, better now than later. Now, as far as his betrothed is concerned... I think you need to let everyone know where you stand and let THEM figure out what their relationship is. At least you will know that you set the boundaries that you're comfortable with. Then the ball is in his/their court.

Dan

[Rose3]

Thank you.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Rose3

(1) request a change from the texting (either use email or phone instead) because I do not like texting, it makes me feel like I am being "summoned" and being kept on the texting for periods of time that I do not like, and I try to be polite, but want to sign off immediately, and dread the sound of the notifications.

(2) I want to stop the personal questions (about my income, etc.) , or leading questions about how was my day - because I do not like re-hashing my day in my evening or my time away from work (leave work at work please)

(3) and when we part at the end of the evening, I do not want assumptions about "getting together next week" - because I did not agree to this, maybe I have my own plans, and I would prefer to be asked rather than dictated to.

Seems that I find this person to be either needy/clingy - or dictating/controlling, along with different sense of what is desirable about communications.

This person is only an acquaintance, and that is all that it can be, and there was a strange encounter yesterday as a female person (stranger to me) entered the building and stated my name upon seeing me (which took me aback), and she stated "I know that you're getting together with ___ tonight, and that it's ok" with her - she stated that she's his fiancé (I think she said that)"

I don't want to get in the middle of someone else's drama. On the one hand, I don't like feeling that I am baby-sitting this guy when his girlfriend is not available, and on the other hand - I should be ok about being simply friends with an individual (altho even with my friends I do not want anyone planning my time or making assumptions). I could go ahead and just disrupt the pattern that is perhaps emerging - by saying "no". Then I go through these thoughts about - asking myself "why am I even getting together with this person at any time?" My answer seems to be - simply socializing, making acquaintanceships because it's a good idea to know people who are around, and as long as he seems like a reasonable respectful intelligent person then that should be ok (in general terms) as long as he doesn't invade my life and time. So - what do I say to this male - do I ask about the female fiancé? Do I say "no" or do I provide more explanation? Do I abruptly just end all communication, or do I allow some? What do I want out of all this? How do I stop the annoying questions? I don't believe that it is my responsibility to entertain someone with my personal life.

1) Directly say, now would be a better time to talk on the phone. I, personally have trouble sometimes, with my smartphone keypad, so switching up the means of communication, works, when someone is respectful of boundaries. I'd be personally curious, to see, if your friend would entertain the idea of phone calls and emails as means of communication. Seeing he has a fiancé, texts are much easier to have set to autodelete...
About the sound, can switch tones OR turn off volume/vibrate.

2)Quick responses. Fine, don't feel up to chatting about it, how about those Sox?

3)Using womanly wiles, 'well, if you ask nicely, perhaps I'll consider...'

It is curious about the new discovery of a fiancé with her approaching you, out of nowhere. No harm, no foul, in mentioning your odd experience to him. Use your gut, to see how you feel about the answer.

If you don't want to babysit, the man, in between his times with his main squeeze, assuming she is, indeed his main squeeze, then you know what needs to be done.

Asking yourself, what you hope to gain from this acquaintance/friend, is a healthy question to sit and ponder.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Rose3

Thank you.

Texting, assumptions about next week, questions about your INCOME are way out of line!! Plus being stalked by the guy's fiancee? Good question - wth IS going on here?? I would just tell both of them to leave you alone immediately. And be careful. You do not need to be polite to con men.

[NWgirl2013]

No one says you have to have contact with either one of these people. Don't respond to texts, that's how that will stop.
Hankster's insights made me pause, I hope they do you as well. Weird is the only word I can think of...
Please be careful.

[Rose3]

Weirdness. As the female stated that she is his fiancé - perhaps this is not factual? Or maybe it is? He had explained earlier on that she has another male in her life (maybe things changed in the past month?). I had told him earlier on (as there was some uncertainty about what was going on) that I did not wish to go out with him due to some concerns about the possibility of a jealous girlfriend. If he contacts me again, then perhaps I can plan to be busy at something else. Thanks everyone for the replies.