Same old fight. How do we change?

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years now, and we are both 23 years old. We own a home together, are involved in each other's families, and have a generally great relationship. That is until for whatever reason we get into an argument, and I start crying. I have pretty much narrowed it down to my tears being what makes him lose his mind a little bit.

Let me explain our most recent argument for reference. This weekend I am going out to dinner and a movie with some of my new friends from work to celebrate one of their birthdays. An invitation was also extended to my boyfriend, although I knew right away this is not his kind of thing. He works at a factory and hasn't had enough time off to relax in a while, and also does not really like to be involved in anything remotely girly. When I brought up the plans to him I acknowledged right away that I didn't really think he'd want to go. After I told him a little more about it I said "But there really is no point in you going if you don't want to." This was not said in a negative way at all. Later on in the evening he told me "I'm not really sure if I want to go to this movie thing." which I interpreted as him being on the fence about it, but in reality he didn't even hear me tell him that he didn't have to go. Then this morning he said to me "Well, it looks like I'm free this weekend." which I took as meaning that he might want to go to the movie, so I started talking about that. He was referring to the fact that his family was not going to visit, not that he was thinking about the movie. He then perceived my trying to convince him to go to the movie as me forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do, and he got angry with me about it. Once that happened it was all downhill, and typical me and him fighting. He was getting ready to go to work, I was standing there crying. He was telling me there was no reason for me to be crying and that I was acting childish. I was telling him that I did not intend to force him into anything and that he just misunderstood my intention. He responded to that by telling me that I always force him into things like going out with my family when we were all together for Christmas instead of leaving him by himself to relax. I told him "That was a family thing. We both have to sit through family things to make each other's families happy, but right now I am acknowledging that you get sucked into doing things that you don't want to and I am actively trying to stop that from happening, but you are not hearing me." after that all he said was "I'm leaving." and left for work.

I do not know how to talk to him about our problems without him getting mad about it. I am an emotional person sometimes and crying is something that just happens when so much pressure builds up in me. Every time I cry he seems to see it as a personal attack. As if I am doing it purposefully to make him feel bad. He will stand there and tell me that I am not remembering what I said correctly or what happened, then tell me I am crying for no reason, or point out one specific thing to say I am doing badly, then when I acknowledge that yes I do things wrong, my memory is not perfect, ect. then tell him that all I want from him is to show me that he cares about me in situations like this his response is always "Everything is just MY fault then!" even when I am saying that I have wrongs too. I just don't know how to get through to him.

Later on in the day he always either texts me or calls me and apologizes. He never wants to let the issues extend beyond the fight that we had, and if later in the same day I have not forgiven him he says "You never let anything go! Why can't you just let this go?!" I do not want to make him feel like he's a bad guy or boyfriend. I just want my needs in this relationship to be met. If I am not crying he is usually a great boyfriend. We have fun together, we have a lot in common, we take care of each other. But if I am crying, then all bets are off on what he might say to me. I have tried again and again to explain to him that if I am crying there is a reason for it. If I am feeling so bad that all I can do is stand there and cry that is not an attack against him, it is a cry for help. I have talked to him in calm situations about it, I have screamed at him about it for hours (at the very beginning of our relationship), I have written him letters, I have done everything I can think of to do. I have read countless articles on communication and the effort that I put into this relationship has paid off and things continue to improve, but not this thing. The only difference between the fights we have now when I cry and the ones we had in the beginning of the relationship is that I no longer say fighting words to him or raise my voice. I only tell him (through my tears) that I just need him to show me he cares about me when I need it the most. That only makes him more angry because I always say it, and I never let anything go. I continue to tell him that I can't let something go that is still currently happening and until we fix the problem it is only going to continue to be this way.

To me this seems like the stereotypical boy-girl drama that I cannot escape. This one problem is part of what is keeping my self-esteem low, and making me feel depressed. Sadly my low self-esteem and depression are things that also annoy my boyfriend because apparently those things should be under my control. I have never in my life been happier than I have been in the past two years with my boyfriend. He has pulled me up out of the hell I was living in, and we as a team have worked hard to build our life together. But I know that without his support when I am the most vulnerable I will never be able to be as happy as I could be. I am so close to what I never thought was possible, and this is all that's standing in my way. I just don't know how to overcome it.

Does it even make sense that he would lose it when I start to cry? It's like it flips the switch in his brain that puts him in fighting mode and all he can do is be angry and say mean things.

~Kelly

Hmmm. Sounds like you both are frustrated. Women do cry sometimes. Maybe it does trigger something in him.

Have you considered therapy (counseling)? I think that would be very helpful to you. Or if you are in therapy, then I definitely think this matter should be talked about. I have found therapy very helpful.

And therapy sometimes is the best way to learn how to change old behaviors/responses.

My boyfriend is the same way when I cry he becomes really mean and it makes me cry more because I feel like he don't care but I think it's just how some people are my boyfriend was always raised with tough love from his family so he looks at crying in a different way maybe your boyfriend had tough love too perhaps ?, but I just accepted that's how he is and that's how he views things I don't take it personal anymore I've been with my boyfriend for 3 almost 4 years now and lived with eachother majority of the time it's hard to live with someone it can cause arguments over any little thing what I do to avoid arguing is just accepting how he is that's just them and agreeing to disagree in time you will learn how to handle the situations but him reacting that way to you crying is completely normal and things will get better I promise you ne and my bf barely argue now

Sent from my SCH-R820 using Tapatalk 2

Have you tried doing exercises where you show him how you'd like him to respond and practice it while you are both stable? I think this would be fair if you've changed how you communicate to him.

It may also help if you guys separate when either of you are triggered and go back after 10 minutes. Is he more reasonable later in the day?

I used to cry a lot for a lot of reasons. I went to therapy for years and cried there too even though I didn't know why. I have done other things to improve my mental health and now understand that I was very angry. I can't say why I was angry or what I was mad about but all that emotion stored inside me was one of the reasons I cried. I was also depressed which made me cry.

The things you and your BF argue about are not big issues and seem to be the usual causes of diagreement for couples. You may be crying for some unrelated reason. Therapy may help you figure it out. It is worth at try.

Let me see if I have this right....

You are upset, you cry. And his reaction is

a) to comfort
b) to console
c) to be angry

Sounds like only a huge dbag would choose C. Please tell me you would never accept anyone who would CHOOSE "c".

If he did CHOOSE "c" - sell the house and get the f___ away from him. You deserve better.

He sounds selfish and immature.