[Yismymindblank12]

this is my first ever positive post, I don't need much advice, but I thought I should share. I've shared on all my posts many personal things I'd never tell to many people not because I was scared that they wouldn't care, but wouldn't understand even if they listened or appreciate my presence I felt this way bout everyone including my parents/family. I had to come to grips with myself of my sexual identity who I am normal growing up stuff but much harder, because of my previous rape and sexual abuse from men. Come to terms eventually I love chicks, bluntly I love chicks they are very sexy. Now that out the way, I've dated a lot of girls, I know I say no one loves me when they do and it's in the moment sometimes, but a lot of girls think I am very attractive I don't brag often very little. I am completely the most individual person out of everyone I know. I only wanted a female companion who is like me in that way, plus attractive physically and someone I can grow old to be best friends with no matter married, divorced, or just friends. I did so much of appreciation with the **** I go through, if things were right and I finally matured like I did now even with not fully maturing because no fully matures just doesn't care bout much stupid things anymore and it's peaceful. I found this girl who I asked out when I just opened this account on a dating site, she seemed decent in her photos very attractive red head which is exactly what I dream of, but I talk to her very easy at first ask her questions to get a general know how. I ask the last question to test how easy she is, not that my intent was to have sex with her, just to see her reply. I got, "No thanks, I don't give out my number so easily we can be friends and see where it goes there." That phrase was a make or break and it made me feel so happy, because I didn't expect that. I was expecting yeah here's my number pick me up at 8 etc see ya then, but no she wanted to get to know me as a person. I blushed and cried on the spot, because I was abused so badly and don't have to feel like I have to look manly overly masculine hypersexual and look like a badass to be a badass to her. She wants to be my friend, I gladly took that, but over time I find things out bout her, that blew my mind that she goes through a lot, but not so naive as I thought. Very intelligent and God awfully great person I could see my life be happy with as friends. I needed to do something so, I had no luck, mainly I was out partying getting drunk, getting high, being stupid in the city I live in, feeling like crap and then I die technically again in a coma at one party. I wake not knowing I'll live normal or if not I'd asked to be killed so I won't suffer this pain and lack of living or feeling my body all together in my vegetable state. I thought bout her, I don't want to die, because I want to see what happens with her. If all, I can be friends with her and just after all the crap of being young we finally see that, we have more time to be friends and just be with each other. I never had this before only when I was 7 years old different story, but I just sent her, over many months, that she knows I love her a lot do anything for her even tell her off on her ******** if she did anything I catch and have an appreciation we got each others backs as friends. I wouldn't trade this feeling in the world, I don't want it to go away. I am not christian, but I do sorta pray a lot that she really is the one and sees past my **** and sees that I want to be with her just her. Not her looks, or her attitude, personality or lifestyle, I want her and her alone. It's because she is a friend and an amazing person. I don't care how pretty she is, I just want her as my friend. I never trust people ever and she was the first who got my dissociation to go and melt away. I had so much hate and anger mostly grief and sadness built up from my abuse. I don't want her to run away, because of stupid reason, but I am not saying being friends is bad. I truly believe it's meant to be, but hope it will play out eventually. I just want to be friends with her for along time and I don't think I want any marriage or a ring. I don't need that lights and crap to say we are together. I knew it before it shows up. I just want to die and she be on my bed when I am sick to ask me for advice and I'd gladly give her the best things in the world from when we've met till we died. I want the future laws to end up we die together. I hate saying this sometimes because I am afraid she is not what she seems, but I don't care. I have this for once and enjoying it. I am 20 years old. I had a hard life with amazing people, I don't deserve s... that's abusive or just to settle, because it happened like that. I want something that she gives me. I feel like I am not going to die alone and she is my final piece and I am safe and know that I won't die and just die. I will die in honor that I did my duty even when I am ailing in health that. I made someones life worth it, because mine didn't end up as ideal as theirs. If I find out in neuro I will die young. I want it to be with her, I want her to hold me and not be sad, until after I pass. Just hold me and make sure I'm ok. That's all I need now if she did it. I'd be the happiest person ever. This is love for real, but I really really hope she feels this way. I'm not sure, because I don't have the opportunity's nor physical well being sometimes to talk to her. I am afraid of scaring her and she ending up not worth my time after my effort, because she is scared to end up like me. I highly doubt that, but what a lot of females done to me I wouldn't be surprised. I am saying she is the one in my head, I just don't she is to me in hers. There is a gamble because I don't know and she doesn't know, but I enjoy every moment talking to her as a friend. I am afraid my feelings get too much for her, I don't want her to feel like I want to control her, or have any way for her not live life young and free like mine. I embrace it, she needs to keep her amazing shine on that she has all the time. She does know what I'd be talking bout when she is really nice genuinely to people. That's a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I will not die young or old without her. That's how it is, and it's genuine for the first time. Tell me what you think everybody peace.

[lightinthesky]

Lucky her if you feel this way.

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