[psychmajortwenty2]

I'm 22. I was a virgin until I met my current bf... we only had sex about 3 weeks ago. My bf has had 4 other partners. He says they were all controlling and horrible girlfriends. He ended up dumping all of them. Him and I have made a special connection, and I just know that he's the one. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.. and I know he's telling me the truth. We both have ADHD.. and so we really really get one another and why we both do (what seems peculiar to other ppl) the things that we do.

I've met his extended family and he's met mine. I regularly go to family events with him and his family all really loves me. He says that he never knew what happiness was until he met me. He is an incredibly amazing, sweet, respectful, AWESOME human being! His family loves me too. My mom loves him as well (my dad.. well.. I'm his little girl.. and he'll likely always see me that way so he's taking a while to open up to him).

We have an amazing foundation for our relationship. I really want to spend the rest of my life with him.

But. But I just can't get over the fact that he's been with four other women. It disgusts me and immediately turns me off when something is brought up in our conversation about his times with them.

I've been wanting to know all about his exes... I figure if I'm going to be dating him and spending the rest of my life with him.. I'm going to be dating ALL of him.. including his past. This is also my first serious relationship.. I know you're not supposed to ask about exes though.. but I couldn't help myself.

Now I find myself jealous of people who aren't even there anymore and who he doesn't even respect and all ex gfs who he actually dumped! He says I don't even compare to them!

The thing is.. I'm really bothered because I'm also the one that usually initiates the sex. I'm the one that initiates new sexual possibilities.. I'm the one that goes with the adventurousness (when we first started dating.. he told me he was into all this kinky stuff... and just being sexually open and everything.. but when push comes to shove.. even though I'm the virgin! I'm the one that's initiating all of this).

I feel like with me initiating the sex.. it makes me somewhat less.. I don't know. I don't feel as attractive because it's like I'm the one wanting him. He reassures me all the time that I'm beautiful and everything and I just happen to beat him to the punch.. but like.. he's had other partners. This fact just won't stop bugging me. He said that I am WAAAYYY better at sex than his other gfs.. But I can't get over the fact that he's had other partners.

I know this is something I have to get over. I'm a really rational and logical person.. and I know this is kind of stupid that I'm jealous over them. I know intellectually how to get over this situation.. it's something in the past that he can't control.. but that still doesn't seem to help my jealousy.

HELP! I don't want this to plague our relationship.. I just want to get over them and I don't know how...

I was raised Roman Catholic.. that's why I had waited so long to have sex. Sex meant a lot to me. He's United.. so I understnad he didn't have the same notion about sex.. he said that he would have preferred to have waited until he met me too.. and he likes that sex means a lot to me..

just.. help me ppl... HELP! I have to get over the thought that he has slept and experienced intimate moments with four other women!!

[healingme4me]

Tackling jealousy takes some finesse. OK, he has a past. His past, doesn't include you, but it's his past.

Now, look at what else, might be bothering you, right now. You mentioned that it's you doing the initiating, so there's the chance, that underneath it all, the need to feel desirable is at question. Words alone, cannot resolve that, actions will.
Your post, comes across in a way, that leaves me questioning, did he leave this out of communication, prior to your being intimate with him? That could lead to feelings of not trusting his honesty or ability to be honest. Also, could leave a sliver of resentment and betrayal.
Your post, also mentions, much talk about these former women. It would leave room for concern about his sincerity towards you. Trust needs to be there. Words alone, cannot rectify this.

Jealousy, is an interesting emotion. Usually, it's a combination of feeling certain needs are missing and also from miscommunication.

There has to be a sense of specialness, in spite of his past.

Hope you can sort through this emotion.

[Trippin2.0]

I don't have any advice on the jealousy sorry, I'm the "leave the past in your behind" type. Probably because mine ain't so rosey but I do want to touch on something in your post.

You say you initiate sex majority of the time... have you thought that maybe he doesn't BECAUSE you were a virgin? Maybe he doesn't want you to think that sex is now the main objective.

Also kink is a sensitive and complex subject. It took ages before my bf and I actually broached the subject openly. And even then it took quite a while for him to trust that we really do share a kink, and that I'm 100% ok with what we want to do in the bedroom.

We've known eachother for half our lives, started out as friends in high school, and honestly? There's STILL one (of his) that he has only spoken of. Its a complex situation for him in that as much as it really turns him on, he fears that acting it out would be a sign of disrespect toward me. So he needs to get over that mental hurdle before we even try it.

Maybe your bf isn't ready to share his kink with you just yet. Don't judge his unwillingness to engage in it as a negative, and please don't believe that it means something must be wrong with you.

[Webgoji]

I was a virgin when I met my wife. She had been with around 10 men before meeting me, many of which were "trophy" boyfriends; hot, muscular Chippendale's type guys.

I think the best thing I could offer is to keep the past in the past. Those other women your BF was with are no longer in his life (right?). So essentially they don't exist. Don't talk about them, don't have fond memories about them. You both need to make sure that now is the most important time and the person you are with right then is the most important person.

There's nothing there to be jealous of. They're gone.

with NEITHER of you having the simple standards of "waiting".... why is his past worse than your present?

[Harley47]

A lot of good advice already given, I think.

Look at it like this...you and him had sex for the first time a relatively mere 3 weeks ago. That's hardly much time...it, in all likelihood, is going to take a little time for him to be able to gauge and react on your reactions, so to speak. As Trippin' said, he probably doesn't want to make you feel as though sex has supplanted the emotional part of things as the main focus of the relationship.

lol As far as the kink goes, again, look at his perspective. The way I see it, it's going to take a bit of time before that truly surfaces. Bear in mind, 3 weeks ago, you hadn't had sex *period.* Likely, he's operating under the notion that since it IS so new, it'd probably be best to take things slowly...let you get comfortable, in a manner of speaking. Let the newness pass. Besides, from his perspective, it's a bit of a leap to go from first time to "So hey, I have this bottle of whip cream in the fridge..." in 3 small weeks. Ultimately, communication is key...don't be afraid to talk to him about things. If he doesn't know there's an issue, there's no way he can work to fix it, right?

Lastly, disregard the previous girls...they're the past, and should stay as such. He couldn't have known then that he would meet you when he did...it's an irrational expectation that he rebuff his previous girlfriends, if he did have emotional attachments (think "the one" mentality) to them, for a possible eventuality. Granted, as Useless Me pointed out, there is the notion of waiting, but with that off the table, he wasn't particularly out of line. It's like the opposite of a court case..guilty of being a committed relationship (and thus to all aspects of it provided both partners are willing and ready to engage in such a thing) until proven otherwise. So try and let it go...it's the past. You only do yourself and him a favor in letting it go.

Hugs,
Harley