Long term care for bi polar mother in law

Hello everyone, my first post and really the reason how I ended of finding this community!

My mother in law has a long term diagnosis of bipolar with her first episode, according to her ex husband, almost immediately following the birth of her first child.

She has no insight into her condition, I believe this genuinely is a symptom of her disorder and not a denial, so does not take medication. As a result she is regularly hospitalised and since I have been together with her son, seven years, I would say she is sectioned (forcibly detained under law) on average 3 times a year, sometimes more, sometimes less. Since we had our son 15 months ago, as consequence or by coincidence, Her health has worsened, she rapid cycles and her highs incredibly high and lows incredibly low and the spaces in between see her personality range from poisonous, aggressive, selfish, needy, desperate and scared.

I do feel incredibly sorry for her but having been at the the receiving end of to many vicious comments I find it hard to play happy families and pretend nothing was said when her clouds have lifted. She has begun a very vocal campaign of wanting to come and live with us but I am 100% convinced that this would not be the right thing to do, she is still relatively young at 65, and I just don't think my relationship with her son could withstand the pressure and I am loathe to bring my son up against this background.

Fundamentally I think she is lonely, she has friends that she can do things with but no one she can do nothing with, if that makes sense. She has sadly lost some of her friends as when she isn't quite on balance she doesn't realise how rude she is and can easily cause offence without really being malicious (for example when she learned a friends daughter had been diagnosed with muscular sclerosis she said her friend must be pleased as she would now have a greater role in her daughters life)

I am quite keen to explore the idea of a retirement village to see if she would consider this as an option, plenty of people within the community, she can live independently but join in the activities she likes. I doubt she would go for this but has anyone else had success, found solutions that have worked for them?

Sorry, very long post! Any help, advice welcome

Hopefully - you've found ways to get the message to her about your objection that she live with you. So she can consider other options for her living arrangements. Definitely unpleasant being around someone who is poisonous and aggressive. You've mentioned that she is scared and desperate - what is she scared of?

I agree that living with your mother in law sounds out of the question! I hope you have your husband's support on that. He should probably be the one to tell her 'No.'

It sounds like she wants to move in with you because she is lonely? That's an inappropriate solution for her loneliness, but it's not your obligation to provide an alternate solution, especially if she is not receptive to it. I would be worried that mentioning the retirement community in response to her request to move in would trigger a debate about how your place is so much better than a community.

Is it up to you to find long-term care for her? Could one of her children do this?

Thanks so much for the responses. You are right, it is up to my other half to tell her no, which he has done, but she is persistent! In terms of her being scared it tends to be when she is on her way down, she doesn't sleep well and this adds to her anxiety but there is nothing that she is scared of in particular, she just worries about everything and anything!

When she is nasty it's easier to feel able to dish out the tough love, but when she is really at her lowest ebb it's difficult for her children to bear. I can completely understand but over this last 12 months the impact of her illness seems to be worsening for all those involved, herself included. My other half and his sister have considered cutting her off for a time, this really is the last thing they want to do but they feel that they have tried everything to help her in all aspects of her life but she blames them for her stays in hospital. Their tanks are empty, they just don't have the emotional or physical energy to give.

It's a mess to be honest and I guess as this is not my mother I'm that bit removed from the whole thing so by trying to find a solution for her I'm hoping it will ease my other half and his sisters burden. If I'm completely honest I have struggled in my relationship with her too, for me it's always been difficult to work out whats personality and what's illness, what comments do you forgive, which do you forget? I just can't let go of some of the things she has said and as time has gone on I like her less and less. The thought of her coming to visit stresses me out so much. So the thought of her ever moving in is terrifying.

Sorry massive splurdge! I suspect there isn't a solution but good to get this stuff off my chest!

That sounds like such a nightmare. It's really nice of you to try to take care of this situation. I wish I had something useful to suggest, but I don't. She doesn't sound like she wants the kind of help anyone is willing to give or will listen to anyone who tries to tell her that she needs help.

Could you try talking to her doctors/therapists to find out what options exist, assuming she has some? Are there non-profits in your area that deal with with mentally ill or the elderly?

Personally, I don't think her mental illness should excuse her behavior, especially if she is blaming her kids for her problems. My father is mentally ill and I have very limited contact with him at this point. As time goes by, I care less and less why he is acting the way he does- I just don't want to be around it anymore. It's maddening when a parent who was not a good caregiver for you as a child now demands that you provide extraordinary care for them as they grow old.

It must be a relief that you are all on the same page about this situation --- could you imagine how horrifying it would be if she wanted to move in and your husband was okay with it?!